Playing Make Believe
by HilaryHilary
Summary: As a child, Meredith sees Derek and Mark as her older brothers. When she grown older, her long time crush on Derek and her deep connection with Mark flourish and grow into something different... and infinitely more complicated. MerMark, MerDer, AU.
1. First Day of My Life

**Playing Make-Believe **

_by HilaryHilary _

Chapter One: First Day of My Life

Meredith Grey sat sullenly between her mother and her new stepfather, her arms crossed, her arms folded over her legs, staring blankly ahead of her to the back of the chair in front of her.

Like enough _hadn't_ happened lately. Like her real father, Thatcher, leaving, her mother announcing she was going to marry the man Meredith had previously thought of as only an friend of her parents-Richard Webber, who had been a resident with her mother. Then, as if the wedding taking place and Richard moving in with them into the house still wasn't enough.

No, they had to move to New York and leave Seattle behind. Despite her opinions on the subject.

"You okay, Meredith?"

She looked up in to the dark, kind eyes of her stepfather. He really was a nice guy, she reflected. And if nothing else, he mellowed out Ellis. And stood up to her, as Thatcher had never been able to.

"Stop sulking," said Ellis, sighing slightly. She, as well, would have just happily stayed in Seattle. It was Richard's fellowship opportunity, not her own. But she at the very least had needed a change.

As did they all. She'd thought everything would get simple once she left Thatcher and he left Adele, but nothing had been simple, even after they'd married. Adele and Thatcher _did_ still exist, after all.

"I'm not sulking," said Meredith obstinately.

"Right," said Richard, smiling slightly.

"I'm not!"

This time her voice was brighter, almost cheerful. He shook his head. This daughter of Ellis, who was tiny and blonde and wistful eyed, was completely different from her mother and a total mystery to him. As far as he could tell, she wished to remain so.

Her mother took her hand once they'd left the airplane, and the three of them collected their luggage before flagging a taxi outside and riding to the apartment that had been set aside for them by the hospital. This, if nothing else, impressed seven year old Meredith. She'd never thought of Richard as a doctor of any skill, but if this hospital wanted him badly to get him an apartment, she concluded that he had to be at least a little bit good.

Meredith was only marginally impressed by the apartment, but it did have it's redeeming qualities. Her mother had flown over the week before to get it set up, and her bedroom was almost entirely in order. She collapsed onto her bed in relief and slept, not stirring, until dinner.

A meal that, although she didn't know it yet, would end up changing her life for ever.

* * *

"Meredith? It's time to wake up." 

Meredith opened her eyes reluctantly.

"I'm tired, Mommy," she said pitifully. Ellis Webber raised her eyebrows, but walked over to her daughter's bed and sat down.

"I know. But we're having company for dinner. I know we just moved here, but Richard has some people he hasn't seen in a while... The son of a friend of his, and one of his friends. They're in pre-med here in New York. He thinks you'll like them," said Ellis encouragingly.

"They're boys? Boys are..."

"What, icky?" asked Ellis with a laugh. She half heartedly attempted to make sense of her daughter's tangled blonde hair.

"I was going to say silly."

Ellis shook her head and began to carefully comb through Meredith's hair.

"Well, probably they are, but Richard wants them to meet us. Do you hear that? We're famous," she said enticingly.

Meredith swung her legs over to the edge of the bed and slid out. She glanced in disinterest at the mirror and glanced away again. Ellis smiled. She knew her daughter was pretty, and would grow up to be even prettier, but she hadn't seemed to notice yet.

"Did you get her up?"

Ellis smiled as she walked into the kitchen.

"She's changing. Sorry she was giving you a hard time today," she said. He shrugged, smiled briefly at his new wife.

"None of this was ever going to be easy. She's a good kid," he said.

"She'd be lucky to come out of this... undamaged," said Ellis with difficulty. Richard looked up from the stove top in concern.

"Don't beat yourself up about that. Do you really think she'd be better off growing up with you and Thatcher?"

Ellis shrugged, but Meredith came in before she could continue. They both smiled brightly at her. Meredith frowned in suspicion, but said nothing.

Before any of them could begin to converse, the doorbell rang and Richard buzzed them up. Ellis and Meredith followed him to the door, and Meredith's gaze fell to her feet when they finally entered.

She heard Richard embrace both of them like they were his sons, but felt awkward, like she was intruding on someone else's family. She wondered if this was how Richard felt, daily.

"Guys, this is my wife, Ellis. Ellis, these two are Mark Sloan and Derek Shepherd. And this..." Richard paused slightly. "Is Meredith."

On cue, when her name was spoken, she looked up, and immediately met the eyes of one of the men.

He smiled at her, and she found herself smiling back. He had an interesting face, he decided. He had dimples when he smiled, and deep blue eyes, and dark hair that was sort of floppy.

"Mark?" she guessed, reasoning that she had better take her chances.

"No, I'm Mark. Hey," said the other one, sticking out his hand.

Her gaze shifted to him. He was taller, lighter haired and lighter eyed. He was smiling too, but in a different way than the other one. His smile was more self assured, less friendly. She shook his hand and then turned back to the first.

"Hi. I'm Meredith Grey," she said. He smiled at her again.

"Derek Shepherd. Very pleased to meet you," he said.

She continued to stare at him for another moment, lost in his smile and his dimples.

"Come on boys," said Richard eventually. "Let's eat. I have to tell your mother's tonight that you're not sickeningly underfed and that you have us to take care of you."

The five of them sat down to eat, and by the time they were finished Meredith was friends with them both. Mark talked more, and teased her more. Derek said less, but smiled more. She knew they were best friends, and knew they couldn't possibly be more different.

She wondered why they were friends. She wondered why Richard seemed to be like their father. She wondered if Richard could be like her father, too.

After they were finished eating she walked into the new kitchen to help her mother with the dishes, but stopped in her tracks when she came across her mother and her stepfather kissing passionately. She tried to remember ever seeing her actual parents do this, and could not. She hurriedly backed out of the room, into something solid.

"Sorry," she mumbled, looking down.

"That's okay. Hard for you to watch?"

She looked up. It was Derek. He wasn't smiling. She shook her head.

"Not hard. Just kind of weird."

"I'd imagine."

He stared at her a moment longer, and Meredith realized uncomfortably that he was trying to figure out what she was feeling.

"Guys, get a room," came a voice in disgust. Meredith looked up to realize it was Mark, who winked at her conspiratorially. The three of them walked into the kitchen as Richard and Ellis broke apart in embarrassment.

"Sorry," said Richard, speaking on both of their behalf's. Mark glanced at his watch.

"No problem. But we should be going," he said. He walked toward Richard, hugged him quickly, shook hands with Ellis. He ruffled Meredith's hair on his way out. "See you around, kid."

Meredith frowned slightly, and was left with Derek and her parents.

"Bye. It was nice to meet you," she said briefly. He smiled again.

"You too. I'll be around," he promised.

And Meredith, who had never been one to trust people at face value, believed him.

* * *

Author's note: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. It's going to move ahead in time fairly quickly, but hopefully I won't confuse you. And besides the eventual Meredith/Mark/Derek triangle I don't really know where I'm going to go with the ships, so I'm open to suggestions. Thanks! 


	2. And You Begin to Wonder Why You Came

Chapter Two: And You Begin To Wonder Why You Came

**NINE YEARS LATER**

"Hey, kid."

Meredith glanced over her shoulder at the source of the voice, feigned disinterest and shrugged briefly.

"You need something?"

The man approached, smirking slightly.

"I'm supposed to meet a girl here. Blonde. About your height. Seen her around?" he asked. Meredith shook her head.

"Yeah. I talked to her. Trust me, she's not interested."

The man's face broke into a smile, and she ran toward him.

"I missed you, Mark," she said, laughing as he swung her into his arms in disregard of the crowd in the airport.

"You too, Mer Bear."

Mark swung her around once more before setting her back carefully on the ground, placing his hands on his shoulders and evaluating the changes in her.

"What? Stop that," she said, blushing.

"Sorry, you just keeping growing up. Anyway, where's everyone else? You the only representative of the Webber clan?" he asked. She shrugged.

"Mom and Richard are busy. Shocking, I know. They're coming tomorrow before the wedding. And they're leaving Sammie behind in Seattle. Where are Derek and Addison?" she asked.

He looped an arm around her shoulders and led her outside, taking the handle of her luggage along with him. She smiled. A lot had changed in the past nine years, since when she'd met them. Even after Richard's fellowship had ended and she'd moved back to Seattle with them for Richard and Ellis to take up their positions as attendings. This move, surprisingly, had been almost as painful for her as the original one.

She'd spent her earlier years developing her relationships with him and Derek and eventually Addison, spending time with them when her parents work took them away from home for long hours. Proudly, she'd watched them go through medical school and all receive prestigious internships in New York.

"Addison has last minute wedding details to attend to, Derek had to pick up his tux."

Meredith nodded, swallowing with difficulty the fact that her childhood friend was getting _married_, to his medical school girlfriend, Addison Montgomery, who was smart, funny, and ridiculously, annoyingly, beautiful.

"They're all grown up now, aren't they?" she asked him wistfully.

He smirked.

"Close as they're going to get. Where did Richard get you a room?" he asked, preparing to give instructions to the taxi driver. Meredith frowned, thinking of the many times she'd spent nights in New York by herself. Unable to take advantage of the fact in a foreign city.

"Can't I stay with you?" she begged.

"Your Dad would kill me," he said. She opened her gray eyes appealingly.

"He wouldn't. You'll take good care of me," she said.

"Have I before?"

"I won't tell, I promise. Or we can have deep meaningful talks and you can reveal to me the real Mark Sloan underneath the harsh exterior. Come on, please. I won't even make you take me to any bars," she pleaded. He shook his head, wrapped his arm around her shoulders again.

"Fine, why not. What can I say? I was always a sucker for blondes," he said with a wink.

* * *

Meredith toured Mark's decently sized apartment and listened in interest to his occasional tales of his life as an intern and of what little spare time he had. It was very dramatic, she realized. She wondered what Derek did while his fellow interns were having one night stands and break ups and hangovers. 

Mark didn't mention his best friend often, and she wanted to know why. She had an inkling.

"Don't you have to go to his bachelor party or something?" she suggested, after dark fell and he ordered them pizza.

"What, wanting the place to yourself? Nah, Addison insisted that they not be drunk the day of. We had one last week. I'm pretty sure they're together now," he said.

"Did you write a speech for tomorrow?" she asked in interest. He looked away. "Mark, what's wrong?"

Mark sighed slightly before speaking, all mirth fading from his eyes, his face suddenly serious.

"You know, I kind of always planned to swoop in and get in the game as soon as they were through," he said eventually. Meredith stared at him as she realized his meaning.

"You're in love with Addison?"

He tried to speak. Meredith reasoned that it wasn't something he often said.

"Yes, Mer, I am in love with Addison."

She waited for him to speak again.

"You know Derek's been my best friend when we were kids. He's my brother, for God's sakes. But sometimes..." He looked up and met her eyes, sympathetic and surprised at his rare show of honest emotion. "He's always gotten the girl, you know? He's the type. Addison."

He paused again.

"You. All the girls."

"What?" she demanded, blushing at his words.

"Come on kid, we might as well be miserable together. You've been crazy over him for years."

"Even if I have... I'm just a kid, Mark. I don't count in this," she said.

He glanced over at her, noticed, without being obscene, her shiny straight hair, her eyes, her slim athletic build.

"You're growing up."

* * *

"Mark? You still asleep?" 

Meredith sat up sharply when a voice rang through the apartment, her back aching from her sleep on the couch. She blushingly pushed the bikini strap of her cotton camisole back on her shoulders when he realized she was there.

"Mer? Hey," he said. She grinned and ran to him. He didn't swing her around as Mark had, but he hugged her tightly and Meredith felt equal parts their long running friendship and whatever other feelings she had for him.

As Mark walked into the room she broke away from him.

"Aren't you supposed to be at the hotel? Addison's probably looking for you," he said. She wished that he'd notice the changes in her, as Mark had, but in his smile there was still nothing more than an older brotherly affection.

"God, you're right. I'll get changed and head over there."

Derek glanced curiously at his best friend, who looked as serious and dejected as he had for weeks, but said nothing.

Meredith quickly changed and left to go to Addison and Derek's apartment. She had been surprised when Addison had asked her to be a bridesmaid, but suspected Mark and Derek had had something to do with it and had accepted gratefully.

She hugged Addison when she arrived, showered, changed into her green bridesmaid dress, let her hair be done and sat back calmly while they slowly approached the event that would kill one of her earliest, most beloved childhood dreams.

* * *

Meredith watched the ceremony, smiled at everyone who told her she looked beautiful, posed for wedding photographs and laughed appreciatively at Mark's Best Man Speech. It was easier than she thought it would be. 

Richard and Ellis had arrived before the ceremony and had acted as parents with his mother. Derek's four sisters hovered around him, embarrassing him as well as they could with family stories and memories. Addison and Mark danced, the latter as calm and happy for them as he could.

She had danced with Mark and Richard and then had run out of people she knew. Richard and Ellis were still on the dance floor, and she was sitting at one of the tables by herself.

"May I have this dance?"

Meredith looked up in surprise to see Derek standing by her chair. She realized that he had broken away from his family and that a new song had started. She stood up and gave him her hand.

"Congratulations," she said automatically. He smiled, put his hand on her waist.

"Thanks. What did you and Mark get up to last night?" he asked.

She shrugged. Occasionally it was obvious that he thought Meredith to be closer to Mark than himself.

"Not much. We had pizza. I didn't want to stay at the hotel by myself," she admitted.

"Ever miss the old days? We used to see you guys weekly, now it's just holidays and special events," he said, his blue eyes twinkling.

"You don't seem to mind these days, either," she said, glancing at Addison, radiantly beautiful in her wedding dress.

"They have their merits."

She'd never seen Derek look so happy, so carefree.

"I still can't believe you just got married."

"Me neither. But come on, you're all grown up now too. You're just about to go off to college and then med school and then astound the universe with your wonder genes," he said. She rolled her eyes. She only had half wonder genes, the other was just influence.

"Just about."

As the song ended they broke apart. She smiled tightly at him, unsure of what to say.

"Congratulations again," she managed.

"Thanks. And Meredith..." she glanced at him over her shoulder when she'd already began to depart. "You really are all grown up. You look beautiful."

She smiled for real. She took in his appearance again, his crisp black tux, his black neck tie, his perfectly styled hair. Those eyes.

"Thank you, Derek. You, too."

She walked away, found herself caught up in a group of women she'd known for years, many of them wearing the same bridesmaid dress she was wearing, among them Addison and several of Derek's big sisters.

She glanced back at Derek. He was still looking at her, a proud smile on his face.

She reasoned that maybe he was too old for her and always had been and was in love and happier than he'd ever been. Maybe he'd known for years about her affections and had been teased about it from Mark for as long. But none of this mattered. At least he thought she'd finally grown up.

* * *

Author's note: Thank you guys so much for all your reviews, that was incredible. And a lot of you asked about the ages. 

Well for the most part I just had to guess. I figured that in the show right now Meredith and the interns are about 27/28, and Derek and the attendings are in their late thirties to early forties. In the beginning chapter Meredith was **seven** and the boys were **eighteen**. This chapter took place **nine years later**, making Meredith **sixteen** and the boys **twenty-seven **and just starting out at as interns.

And just in case you were wondering, I'm just doing these chapters in the early years to provide a back story, it won't take long at all to get to the current time.

I'll address coupling in the Author's Note of my next chapter.


	3. Put it Behind You

**Chapter Three: Put it Behind You**

Three years after arriving in New York, Meredith was uprooted just as suddenly and just as painfully.

It was good news, apparently, that her mother and her stepfather had been hired as Attendings at Seattle Grace Hospital, but she failed to see it as they did. All she saw was leaving her life to go back to one she could barely remember. Leaving her friends, her school, and the new family that had slowly developed.

"Why did we move here if we were just planning to move back all along?" she asked her stepfather, as she packed up her room.

"Fellowships only last so long, Meredith. Don't you ever miss Seattle?" he asked. "Your friends? The old house?"

_"Your real father?" _He asked himself.

"Kind of less than I thought I would," she admitted.

"We built a life for ourselves here," he agreed. She smiled up at him briefly. He found himself remembering the months following his marriage to her mother, how much less she had accepted his presence.

"We'll visit lots. Won't we?"

"Sure. All the time. They're going to want to see the new baby, aren't they? And Mark and Derek are coming for dinner tonight, to celebrate our last night. Derek's even bringing a girl," said Richard proudly. Meredith smiled.

"Mark never brings girls," she observed. Richard wondered how he could possibly explain Mark Sloan's living style to a ten-year old.

"Mark doesn't have many girlfriends. More... friends that are girls."

She nodded, accepting this answer easily. After all, Mark and especially Derek could all but do no wrong in her books.

He smiled down at her, wondering if Derek's new girlfriend would stick and if she'd make an impression on Meredith. He'd often worried that Derek and Mark had more influence on her than anything and that she'd be missing out without another female figure in the equation. Something like a sister.

By the end of the evening, and for the rest of his life, he would end up countlessly recalling how very, very far this would be from the truth.

* * *

Addison Montgomery hung back awkwardly when she arrived and her new boyfriend and his best friend went forward eagerly to exchange hugs with the small blonde girl she'd heard everything about, and then went on to greet her step-father and her mother, and to congratulate them on Ellis' pregnancy. 

She approached cautiously once they'd exchanged their greetings and received compact versions of Meredith's life, ensured that she was doing well in school and that they were no boys that they had to hurt in her honour just yet.

"Hey," he said, once she'd come forward and slipped her hand through his bent elbow. "Meredith, this is my girlfriend. Addison."

Meredith shook her hand, her eyes sweeping over her curiously. She was tall. Not nearly as tall as Mark, nearly the same height as Derek. Taller, Meredith suspected, than she herself would ever be. Addison had shiny red hair and a nice smile and looked perfect standing next to the equally perfect Derek.

"It's very nice to meet you," said Meredith. Addison blushed, shamed that she'd had nothing to say to her.

"You too. I've heard so much about you. Sorry I had to intrude on your last night."

Derek and Mark winced simultaneously. Both had known what answer Addison had been driving for-something along the lines of "We're happy to have you, the more the merrier!"

She expected Meredith to pretend like she was glad that she was there. Meredith shrugged noncommittally.

"That's okay, I'm sure I'll find time time with them later," she said. She wandered off to join her mother and stepfather in the setting of the dining room table, and Addison stared after her for a moment before turning in disbelief to Derek.

"She hates me, doesn't she? She's ten years old and she's just decided to hate me for life."

Derek said nothing but slipped an arm around her shoulders comfortingly. Mark laughed.

"Yeah. Pretty much."

She moaned something incomprehensible and Derek squeezed her shoulders again.

"Come on, my family loves you. Families are supposed to hate girlfriends. I guess Mer makes up for it,"he said, unable to control his laughter.

Mark stared after the two of them as they went to the kitchen, following Meredith at a distance. He admired that Derek had known instantly that Meredith hated Addison, but had never even guessed the real reason. That the boy she'd dreamed of marrying since her childhood had finally found the first true love of his life.

Meredith was outwardly civil to Addison and her parents never suspected a thing. By ignoring her Meredith managed to have the evening she'd expected, one with her twisted, mixed family, of the sort she knew she'd miss terribly.

Richard and Ellis discovered that Addison was of a wealthy family, had ambitions to be a neo-natal surgeon and had natural red hair.

Meredith was grateful and slightly mollified when Addison, Richard and Ellis cleared off for her to say goodbye to Mark and Derek.

"I'm going to miss you," she said sadly, letting the circumstances make her more emotional than she could normally be. Mark lifted her off the ground in his hug and she smiled softly. She knew that if her parents hadn't moved her away he'd be around always, to third-degree her boyfriends and give her elaborate birthday presents.

She turned to Derek next, glad he was last. She'd been expecting him to lift him up into his arms as Mark had done, but he surprised her. He knelt down to her until their faces were at the same height, and she buried her head into his shoulder once his arms were around her.

"Call me if you need anything at all, Mer Bear," said Mark, once she'd pulled away from Derek. He nodded in agreement, but Meredith knew she never would.

"You have to invite me to your wedding. And come to Seattle for Thanksgiving," she demanded. Derek laughed as Mark promised they would.

* * *

George O'Malley panted slightly as he rode his bike down the street, riding far from his home, from his neighborhood, from his brothers, who had gone fishing with his father again. 

He stopped in interest as he saw a moving van, parked in front of a fairly large townhouse, beefy men walking between the house and the van. He wondered who was moving. If they had any pets, or any kids who would be going to his school.

His curiosity was satisfied when a taxi pulled up behind the truck and three people got out of it: a tall, black man with thinning hair and a tired smile, a pregnant woman with strawberry blonde hair and a girl who followed them reluctantly.

George blushed when he felt the eyes of the man on him.

"Well hello. Do you live around here?" he asked. George nodded mutely.

"We're moving in. My name is Richard Webber, and this is my wife Ellis, and this is my stepdaughter Meredith," he said.

George's eyes, which had been fasted on Richard's, moved to the girl again and he stared at her for a moment.

Though his brothers, Gerry and Ronny, had been interested in girls for years and had both had girlfriends he'd never understood why. He'd never had many friends to begin with, and especially not any girls.

She looked back at him silently. She had blue eyes and blonde hair, was short but about his age.

"George. Hi. Meredith, I'm George," he said, stumbling over his words. She smiled slightly when he was done and nodded.

"Hi, George. How old are you?"

"Ten," he said.

"Me too."

Richard smiled at the interaction and invited George into the house who followed silently, smiling slightly at the idea of having a new friend and also the weird bubbling feeling that she gave to him.

* * *

Author's note: This is the last chapter of child like Meredith, after this it's med school and then after that they're actually interns.

Also couplings... I have had lots of requests for MerDer and MerMark, both of which will be in the story, and also a few for Mark/Izzie, which I think I'll eventually include as well.


	4. Light You Up

**Chapter Four: Light You Up**

"We need to find an apartment tomorrow," said George firmly.

"Calm down, we will," she said, putting her feet up on the dashboard and glancing back down at the abandoned magazine in her hands.

"Calm? We need to live somewhere, Meredith," he reminded her.

"I know. And you could live at the dorm if you wanted," she said.

"You didn't apply in time to get in."

"Yeah, but you did."

"It's not like I was about to leave you all alone," said George.

Meredith looked sideways at him and smiled, and he found himself blushing. He had backed out of his dorm room when she hadn't been accepted and they'd made plans to live together. This was partially because he understood his responsibility to take care of her when she was being like this, and also because he had a secret fear that she'd find another boy to live with and he'd just have to stand by and watch.

They'd completed their undergrad degrees three months previously and were now headed off together to Dartmouth to pursue their medical licenses. She was going away to set the world on fire, to be the daughter of the legendary Ellis Webber and the stepdaughter of the Chief of Surgery of one of the foremost Surgical hospitals in the country.

And he was going away to be with her.

* * *

Isobel Stevens took in the room of twenty-one year olds from all over the country, all of whom were intelligent, ambitious and destined to be placed in the best hospitals in four years. All of them, including herself, were all these things, but none of them were quite like her. 

She ignored the stares and catcalls that followed her. She'd gotten used to it, people who looked at her and reacted in surprise that someone that tall blonde and ridiculously ideal would bother to become a Doctor.

Izzie understood this reaction. After all, she wasn't obligated to become a Doctor. Her trailer park mother would never have been able to afford it and Izzie had only made it to medical school by modeling her way through her undergraduate degree.

Though her walk through the crowded lecture hall was accented by the overly welcoming stares of many boys, and the jealous glares of many girls, she ignored all of them. She made her way to an empty seat beside the two people who had yet to even notice her.

"Hi," she said upon sitting down. The two, who had been talking quietly to each other looked up in surprise. They had each other, she noted. Most here had nobody.

"Hi," said the girl. She held out her hand. "I'm Meredith Grey."

"Izzie Stevens. Who's this?" she asked, giggling slightly when she looked back to the boy beside her, who had been paying steadfast attention to Meredith but was now staring at Izzie in amusement.

"George O'Malley. It's very nice to meet you," he said sincerely.

* * *

"So do we like our new friend?" asked George, upon leaving class. Meredith frowned. 

"She was totally hitting on you," she said in distaste. He scoffed.

"What, are you jealous?"

"No. But I know her type. She's going to end up hurting you."

George laughed.

"First of all, not likely. And second of all, you think she might only have sex with me once? Yeah, I think I'd get over that," he said. She smiled slightly.

"No you wouldn't, George."

He watched her as she sped up and caught up to another new friend she'd met, one who was taller and darker and considerably less model like.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise when Izzie caught up to him. He wondered if she'd been listening.

"Hey," he said in greeting, his eyes still focused on Meredith.

"Hey. She doesn't like me so much, does she?"

"Meredith? Doesn't like anybody. Don't let it bother you," he suggested.

"I thought it was a deeper reason. Are you two together?" asked Izzie in interest, noting how his eyes followed her. George blushed.

"Me and Mer? No, of course not. We're just friends. But not _just_ friends. Good friends, I mean. She's jealous like she would be if I were her little brother."

"Judging from the spiel I'm guessing it was a more than friends thing at one time or another?"

George shrugged.

"I guess you could say so. We've been friends since we were about ten years old. But she can be kind of oblivious. We tried for more when we were seventeen, but it never really got off the ground."

He didn't tell her the real truth, and didn't plan to. He didn't tell her that he and Meredith had been each other's firsts. Not in an emotional, beautiful connection of souls, but in more of an experiment. At least on her part it had been.

"Where are you living?" asked Izzie. George glanced up at her. He'd been lost in his thoughts, and for one of the first times in her life, the tall, blonde model had been completely ignored.

"Kind of up in the air. Meredith and I were going to find a room this week, but it's..."

Izzie squealed in excitment.

"God, that's perfect! I have two extra rooms. You can live with me!" she suggested brightly.

Before George could respond, Izzie had called ahead to Meredith and pulled George up with her and explained her plan.

"You'll like me, I promise. Plus I can cook and I'm an obsessive cleaner. And I have model friends." She glanced back at Meredith, who still looked unimpressed. "Of both sexes, I promise."

* * *

"Richard?" 

"Ellis?"

"Sammie?"

Richard Webber appeared in the hall, grinning hugely. He walked towards the two boys that had entered and smiled hugely. He wrapped them both in fatherly hugs, exclaiming that they were looking well, that it had been too long. He turned to Addison and hugged her as well.

"Meredith?"

Mark's voice rang out first to call for her, and Derek's followed quickly. They listened for the sound of her feet running down the stairs, her voice calling back to them, the swish of her blonde hair, but it did not come.

"Hey Ellis. She around?" asked Mark, accepting her hug. Ellis stepped back toward Richard and frowned slightly.

"She's not here. I'm sorry. She stayed in New Hampshire," said Richard.

"How's she doing there?" asked Addison brightly. Both men turned to look at her in surprise, amazed she'd recovered from this news so quickly.

"Oh, it's great. She has a room with George and a model friend of theirs. Haven't seen her since the summer, but we're hearing great things," said Richard proudly.

"She didn't want to come home?" asked Mark.

"Maybe she was studying," said Derek consolingly.

Addison looked between them. It was truly mystifying, how Derek could go months without seeing his sisters, care but easily pretend not to, and how neither of them even made pretenses of not caring about seeing the petite blonde who was no relation but may as well have been for the last fifteen years.

"Is she staying up there with a boyfriend?" demanded Mark.

"I wouldn't tell you if she were, Mark. But no. She's with George and her new roommate," explained Ellis.

"But it's Thanksgiving. She should have brought them here," said Derek staunchly.

"We might come to New York for Christmas," said Richard. Their other daughter, Samantha, ran into the room. Sammie had been born the same year that he and Ellis had begun their work as attendings, but she'd never connected to Derek and Mark in the way that Meredith had.

"Der, she's a grown up now. Did you go home for every Thanksgiving during med school?" asked Addison reproachfully. Derek nodded.

"She's _not_ a grown up. She's ten years old and she spends every Saturday night at home and needs help to climb the tree in the front yard," said Derek with a smile.

She put her hand comfortingly on his shoulder, and the six of them walked through to the family room feeling considerably subdued.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks again for reading. Next chapter they start as interns! 


	5. Once In Your Life

Chapter Five: Once In Your Life

Meredith experimentally twirled for George and Izzie in the small vestibule to the reception room. They'd been living in a hotel in town and had arrived together but she'd had to come farther, from her childhood home. Her parents had given it to her and she'd all but decided to sell it.

"You look gorgeous," said Izzie giddily. She took in Meredith's appearance: black dress with a slit up one side, black strappy sandals.

"You too."

They linked arms with George on either side and walked into the room. They nervously surveyed the room of Doctors, both prominent Attendings and Interns looking as lost as they were.

"Well, at least we have each other," said Izzie optimistically.

Meredith smiled and waved to Ellis, Richard and Burke, standing on the opposite end of the room with one of the residents, her stepfather's favourite, Miranda Bailey.

The three of them had lived together all through medical school and had graduated three weeks previously and had gotten into the Internship program at Seattle Grace Hospital. The three, who'd had a rocky friendship in the beginning, had now seen each other through everything.

"There's not a man in the room that's not checking one of you out," said George, glancing around. Realizing, in the same moment, that all of these men were looking at him incredulously.

Meredith looked at Izzie, who's tall frame was draped in a flippy red dress, and smiled. It was the sort of thing George always noticed.

Although Izzie, unlike Meredith, knew exactly why. Izzie, unlike Meredith, had realized it in about four minutes.

Meredith, after over fifteen years, still hadn't gotten there.

The two girls smiled at each other, realizing that it was not only themselves that was drawing the attention. Already people were speculating that one was the former model and the other was the daughter of Ellis and Richard Webber.

"Why do we have to mingle? We've known all these people since we were ten years old," complained Meredith. George laughed.

"Not the interns. Just the attendings and the residents," he replied reprovingly.

"Well we have each other. We don't need the other interns," replied Meredith.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked.

She shook her head and glanced sideways at Izzie, already looking more eager than the two of them to meet their new colleagues.

"No. You can if you want. I was thinking I'd go across the street to that bar we saw. More my scene."

"I'll go with you, if you'd like," offered George instantly. She shook her head and lightly kissed him on the cheek before hugging Izzie and leaving before her parents could note her absence.

* * *

She felt slightly out of place in her evening wear at the rowdy, downtown bar, but she quickly settled into the atmosphere despite herself. 

Meredith slid into a stool at the counter and smiled at the bartender.

"Can I have a shot of tequila?" she asked. She drummed her fingers along the counter top, wondering idly what she was going to do with the house, which held only memories, which she could never afford to keep up by herself.

"Here. You new in town?" he asked, sliding it across to her.

"That obvious? But not really. I just grew up, I've been away for school since high school," she explained.

"You a Doctor?"

"Yeah. About to be, I guess."

She smiled at him again and drowned her shot. She glanced around the bar, and didn't notice when the door opened and a man entered to sit down at the counter beside her.

"Can I have a beer please?"

The bartender's attention shifted from her to the new customer, and Meredith glanced over at well.

She stared in disbelief at the curly, gelled hair, the subdued blue eyes, the red shirt he was wearing that contrasted with his skin and hair and worked perfectly with it all.

"Oh my God, _Derek_?" she demanded, her words coming out in a question. A question she knew the answer to.

He looked up incredulously, and it was obvious that he'd been seeking nothing more than anonymity. He stared at her, taking in her appearance, searching for something he could not find.

"I guess it's been a while." She paused. "Too long."

His eyes met her, and suddenly it clicked.

"Meredith?" he asked.

"Derek."

"You're back here? I haven't even been in to see your parents yet. No one knows I'm here. How are you? I haven't seen you since..."

"Three, four years? I can't believe it's been so long. How is everyone? Addison? Mark? Is he with you?" she asked excitedly.

"No. He couldn't come."

"And Addison? Is she here too?"

Derek shook his head slowly.

"No. She couldn't come either."

Meredith stared at him for a moment, attempting to digest this. Though she hadn't seen them in years, she'd heard about them, had heard what she'd thought to be everything.

"She stayed behind in New York? Is everything okay?" she asked in concern.

Derek stared at her, his disbelief at their meeting still not lost to him. She blushed when she realized he'd for the first time ever, noticed her as a women. That for the first time, she was truly and undeniably grown up.

He wasn't responding, she realized. He was looking down, his eyes were darker, his voice was tired.

"Are you guys having problems?" she asked in disbelief.

Even to him, the question seemed ridiculous.

"I didn't think we were," he said honestly. He waited for his meaning to sink in.

"She cheated on you?" asked Meredith in disbelief. He nodded.

"Yeah. And I left Manhattan to come here. Haven't really stopped to think about it, but Richard's going to give me a job."

Meredith shook her head.

"I can't believe she did that. With who?" she demanded.

"No one you know." Derek paused only for a moment before his answer, and it was little enough of a pause that Meredith never even considered disbelieving him.

"I'm so sorry, Derek. And I'm so sorry it's been so long. I know you and Mark and Addy spent holidays with Richard and Mom, but I was always..."

"With George and Izzie, I know. I understand. You've changed a lot."

She looked down and blushed.

"You look the same."

He met her eyes again.

"I'm not."

* * *

"So where are you staying?" 

Meredith pondered this.

"Izzie and George and I have been staying at this hotel. I figured if I hooked up with anyone tonight I'd bring them back to the house... Mom gave it to me when she and Richard moved. You can come with me if you want," she suggested.

"Tempting offer."

"Just the house. Not the hook up part,"she said firmly.

"Shame. Come on, let's go."

Meredith smiled. Maybe he wasn't actually flirting with her, but their ages were undeniably gapped. And as he reached for her arm to tuck it through his when they walked up the steps to the street, a small part of her ten year old self couldn't help but to emerge.

* * *

Meredith smirked to herself the next morning when she walked downstairs in her bathrobe to find coffee brewing with Derek sitting at the table, eating muesli and reading the newspaper. 

"Do you sleep?" she asked him curiously.

"Yes, actually."

"Do you have somewhere to go tonight?" she asked. He shrugged.

"I'll find someplace."

She frowned in concern. She had never seen him like this, so broken.

"No you won't. You've already found it."

"What?"

"You can stay here, with me. I needed a roommate to keep the house, and quite frankly Izzie and George and I are getting tired of each other."

"What? I can't. For one thing your stepfather could hurt me," he countered instantly.

"We'll tell him at a good time. You shouldn't be on your own right now,"she counseled.

"I'm fine."

"And very tortured right now. Come on, we have to get to work."


	6. Show You Things You've Never Seen

Chapter Six: Show You Things You've Never Seen

Ellis Webber entered her teenage daughter's bedroom without knocking and Meredith sighed in frustration. Her mother's penchant for abrupt entrances was the reason that the only times she had a boy in her room, the two of them were always clothed.

"Hey Mom."she said, blushing. Her mother's eyes swept the sight that met her-Meredith, curled up on the bed with a blonde boy she'd never seen-before politely looking away and waiting for them to unlock.

"This is my friend Finn,"she introduced awkwardly. Ellis nodded. She'd noticed brief allusions to him-Meredith mysteriously "studying" at the library, George being jealous, Sammie bragging about a secret.

"You should probably change and come downstairs,"said Ellis. Meredith raised her eyebrows in bemusement, torn between making a scene about her mother failing to acknowledge her new boyfriend and her mother making surprising statements that made no sense.

"Why?"

Ellis glanced at her daughter's boyfriend, who was tall and blonde and confused looking, as if he'd just stepped far out of his element. She held back a slight laugh at the thought of the scene that awaited them.

"Mark and Derek are downstairs."

Meredith gave her mother one panicked glance before turning back to Finn.

"Sorry. You have to leave now,"she explained hurriedly.

"What?"

She sighed impatiently.

"Okay, let me explain this in a way you'd understand. You remember the nice, warm reception we just had here, where my mother didn't yell at you for groping her daughter in her bedroom?"she demanded.

He nodded.

"And when you came to the hospital with me and the Chief of Surgery, Richard Burke, shook your hand and told you to take care of his little girl? And then when you came with me to pick up Sammie from school and she instantly developed a crush on you and got mad when we tried to shake her off?"continued Meredith.

Finn nodded again, still looking confused.

"This won't be even a little bit like that. They'll tear you apart. I'm only doing this because I care about you,"she promised.

"Meredith, they're _already_ downstairs. And they're wondering where you are. And they're not as bad as all that,"she said, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"They are too. Finn, you can go out the window,"instructed Meredith. Ellis chuckled.

"He has before, then? Finn, don't listen to her. They're family friends of ours and you'll do fine."

Finn shrugged easily and led the two of them out of the room. Meredith caught her mother's arm on the way out.

"You can't honestly believe that,"she stated in amazement. Ellis smiled.

"Of course not. They're going to eat him alive, but it had to happen sooner or later."

* * *

Meredith overtook Finn in the hallway and sailed down the staircase and directly into Mark's arms.

For some reason, unquestionably, it was always Mark's arms first. Maybe because she knew without a doubt that Mark would hug her and twirl her around (she'd asked him to stop hugging her like that when she felt like she'd grown too old for it, but he'd never listened), or because she felt like Mark loved her better than Derek loved her, or because with Mark it was all impulsive affection and not embarrassing feelings.

He twirled her around just as he'd always down, but thankfully refrained from calling her "Mer Bear" in front of her new, older boyfriend. She thought it was very considerate of him.

She hugged Derek tightly and appraised him. He was growing older, more alarmingly than Mark was. Mark had always been big and manly, but Derek had been skinny, even when she'd thought him perfect. He was more solid now. Less gangly.

"Where's Addison?"she asked curiously.

"She stayed behind. We can't stay long, there's a conference,"explained Derek. He smiled at her. "Did you grow up _again_?"

She blushed at this statement, which always made her feel so juvenile. She glanced backwards to her new boyfriend. Derek followed her gaze, but Mark spoke first.

"I'm Dr. Mark Sloan,"he said, reaching out his hand. Meredith scoffed audibly. Who would _say_ that? What intern introduced themselves as Doctor outside of the hospital?

"Sorry. This is my boyfriend, Finn Dandridge. Finn these are my friends, Mark Sloan and Derek Shepherd,"she said, casting warning glances to them both.

Derek recovered from his surprise first.

"Hey."

The four of them gravitated toward the living room, but Ellis hung back.

"So tell us about yourself, Finn,"said Derek. Meredith looked at him suspiciously.

"Well I'm a senior at school with..."

"He's a senior?"demanded Mark, directing his question to Meredith.

"I'm a junior!"she shot back in indignation.

"What, you couldn't find a girlfriend your own..."

"Derek!"yelled Meredith angrily. Derek fell silent and crossed his arms.

She rolled her eyes in exasperation, shrugged helplessly at Finn when he looked to her for direction.

"So what do you want to be when you grow up?"continued Derek.

"I want to be a vet,"said Finn proudly. Meredith winced.

"What, to animals?"asked Mark.

"That's kind of how it works... You're a Doctor?"asked Finn bravely.

"I'm a first year resident in Manhattan,"he explained.

This quelled Finn and they floundered for a moment.

"Are you taking good care of her?"asked Mark, point blank. Meredith cringed and glanced apologetically to Finn.

"Meredith doesn't need anyone to take care of her,"said Finn. Meredith smiled.

"That's right, because she has us,"said Mark, continuing from his answer, managing to crush him despite his quick thinking.

"What?"

"We're going to be looking out for her. So if you try anything..."

"Mark!" protested Meredith.

"Then you'll have us to answer to,"continued Derek, finishing his best friend's thought with ease.

"Are you seriously trying to scare away my boyfriend?"asked Meredith.

"Worked with George, didn't it?"asked Derek.

"George?"asked Finn curiously, wondering how Meredith's slightly chubby, clueless best friend worked into the scenario.

"I swear to God I'm going to take the two of you down one day..."she threatened.

Mark glanced toward her, as if remembering she was there for the first time.

"What? Come on, the kid has to learn the ground rules,"protested Mark.

"I didn't give Addison the "ground rules"when she married Derek,"said Meredith in annoyance.

"Married? You're not getting married,"said Mark.

"Duh. How would you like it if I came to New York to threaten your latest one night stand?"demanded Meredith. Derek laughed.

"Oh no she _didn't,_" he remarked.

"You're not my father,"she said. Mark glanced at his watch and wrapped her unwilling body into a hug.

"No, I'm your brother. Sorry Mer-Bear, we have to get out of here. Duty calls,"he said. She smiled and hugged him back before turning to Derek.

She stiffened as he closed his arms around her, relaxed when he let her go. She smiled and turned back to Mark.

"Any chance we can get our boy here to straighten you out?"she asked him, jerking her head toward Derek. He shook his head.

"Not likely."

He leaned down and brushed his lips against her forehead, shook a startled Finn's hand, and left behind Derek.

* * *

**Mark Sloan awoke in surprise, amazed that he'd dreamed a scene he hadn't thought of in years. He glanced to the woman lying beside him and got up.**

**It had been a simpler time, one he barely remembered. He hadn't seen Meredith in years. He remembered seeing her weekly, when she had been a bright light in their lives. He smiled at the memory of her stubborn frown, her hands planted on her narrow hips.**

**She'd be all grown up now, he reflected. In Seattle.**

**Where Derek was.**

**He glanced again to the woman in the bed and silently left the room to book a flight on his cell phone.**

**It was time to make his way back to his roots.****  
**

* * *

Author's note: So I had a chapter I was going to post instead of this one, but I decided it was time for some Mark.

In case it wasn't clear, the first part, in normal type, was a dream sequence, of an event that happened when Meredith was in high school, and the bold is modern time and Mark waking up from the dream.

I decided to bring Finn in because I didn't really want to make a one time character. I'll probably bring him back eventually.

**  
**


	7. Tell Them All Tonight

Chapter Six: Tell Them All Tonight

"So where did you disappear to last night?"

Izzie's voice was knowing, having lived through four years of Meredith's living habits. Meredith smiled as she tugged on the top of her scrubs, ignoring George's eyes on her.

She ignored the two of them and turned to the woman beside her.

"You know, I heard there's only six women out of twenty. And one of them's a model," she said in disgust. Meredith smiled at this comment and glanced at Izzie.

"Who's your resident?" she asked.

"Bailey. You?" asked the other woman.

"Me too."

"They call her the Nazi."

"I know. But she's not. But don't tell her I told you," asked Meredith, smiling.

"How do you know?"

Meredith shrugged.

"I sort of grew up around here."

The woman stared at her, comprehending this slowly.

"You're the prodigy, right? Ellis Webber's daughter? The Chief's stepdaughter?"

"Guilty as charged."

"I'm Cristina."

"Meredith Grey."

They walked out of the locker room to the end of the hall toward Miranda Bailey, followed closely by George and Izzie.

* * *

"You know her?" 

George glanced up when he realized that one of the other interns, one who didn't have Bailey and had just managed to make Meredith yell at him, was addressing him.

"Meredith? Yeah," he said.

"Damn, she's pretty fine," said the other Doctor. "O'Malley, right? I'm Alex Karev."

"George. I used to live with her,"elaborated George.

"You and her? Seriously?"

"No. Not like that." George looked over to Alex and frowned. "You should stay away from her."

Alex smirked, and George realized that he was laughing at him.

"Not because of me. She's the Chief's stepdaughter. You really want to go there?"

George walked away, telling himself that it was only his brotherly, protective instinct, and the strong feeling that this guy was no where near good enough for her.

He caught up to Izzie. He hadn't seen Meredith, who was watching over a teenage girl, all day.

"That guy back there is a jerk,"said George. Izzie nodded.

"He called me Doctor Model," she agreed.

"He was talking about Meredith," he expanded.

"She's a big girl, George."

"I wonder where she was last night," he went on.

Izzie frowned. She and George, more than anyone, knew about Meredith's living habits, but he was known to be in denial every time she had a boy in her room all night. It wasn't often, but she hadn't been known to hide it.

"It would help if you were to ask her out," said Izzie. She knew, because George had told her eventually, of the short history of him and Meredith and how quickly it had progressed to nothing.

"I'm over her, Iz. Just didn't want Alex to get in trouble with the Chief," he mumbled.

"Why would we care? Anyway, you know Derek Shepherd works here?" she asked.

"Seriously? Meredith's friend?"

"Yeah. Weird, huh? Anyway, I thought he was married."

"Maybe not so much anymore," suggested Izzie. George nodded vaguely, his thoughts preoccupied again.

* * *

Meredith sat with her new friend, Cristina, on an abandoned gurney in a back hallway of the hospital, exhausted from filling the demands of her Drama Queen patient. 

"So what's the story with you and George?"she asked offhandedly. Meredith shrugged.

"We tried to have a relationship when we were younger. Not much else. I lived with him and Izzie all through med school,"she explained.

"Do you guys still?"

"No. I live with someone else."At Cristina's curious look, she continued. "This friend of my parents, Derek Shepherd? He just moved here from New York."

"Right, the neurosurgeon. You two are together?"

"God, no. I've known him since I was a kid. My stepfather knew his best friend's parents, and he taught both of them at some point. I kind of grew up with the two of them. They were always around. Even when I moved back here. It only really stopped after I went away to school,"she admitted.

"You're all glowing. It's kind of disturbing,"said Cristina. "Are you guys sleeping together?"

"I thought we just went over this? _No._ Of course not. He's married. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, world famous surgeon? Plus tall and gorgeous and red haired."

"Then why is she not here, with her McDreamy husband to scare off lusty interns?"asked Cristina.

"Shut up, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, they trust me."

They sat in silence, appreciating the dark calm of the hallway. They'd been run off their feet for the entirety of their long first shift, and they had only just found the only place Bailey didn't seem to be able to find them in.

"You have plans for tonight? George and Izzie and Alex are going to the bar across the street after work," said Cristina.

"Alex and Izzie? That's a thing now?"

"God I hope not. You in?"

"No, sorry. I have a date, actually."

* * *

Derek watched Meredith as she ran around her bedroom, putting on her makeup and experimenting with her hair. She was looking grown up, he realized with alarm. Like she had the night before. He wasn't so alarmed at the sight of her in her scrubs, or her pajamas, but her dress up clothes would take some getting used to. 

"I can't believe you're going out. What am I supposed to do?"he demanded. She shrugged.

"Go out. Unpack the boxes, dust. I'm sure you'll think of something," she said.

"You're heartless. You are without heart," he complained.

"And you're just going to have to get over it. Damn it, he's here," she said, as the doorbell rang. She swiftly assessed herself in the mirror before running toward the stairs. She stopped when she realized that he'd followed her.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to answer the door,"he said.

"You can't. You'll be all big brother and you'll terrify him," she protested.

"Isn't it better him finding out now than after the date?" he teased. She stuck out her tongue at him but let him follow her down the stairs.

* * *

"Derek?" 

Meredith's voice, four later, came in a stage whisper, but he woke instantly.

"Mer? You're back already?"

She slowly crept into the room and he noted that she'd changed out of her evening wear and into her pajamas.

"Yeah. Kind of a dud. Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah. Kind of. What happened?"

"Nothing major. He was boring. He tried to cop a feel," she explained. Derek half rose from the bed, looking alarmed. "Don't worry, you don't have to kick anyone's ass. I took care of it."

"Good."

He stared at her for a moment, waiting for her to move. She hesitated slightly before she walked to his bed and climbed in beside him, and stared up at the ceiling.

"Men suck."

"I'm not such a fan of your gender right now, either," he admitted.

"That's why I'm here. Thought you might need a shoulder to cry on."

"Not because you thought you might need one," he agreed.

She inched toward him and put her head in the space between his shoulder and his head.

"Maybe we chose a good time to find each other again," she suggested.

He smiled and again tried to place these two Meredith's, the one he knew now and the one he'd known then. He quickly found it impossible, and gave up. Knowing, without realizing it, that letting himself see Meredith as a grown up would make him feel what he'd rather repress.


	8. Just As Far In As You'll Ever Get Out

Chapter Eight: Just As Far In As You'll Ever Get Out

Izzie groaned in frustration as she navigated herself with difficulty through the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital. She wished she was like George, or Meredith, who had grown up in the hospital and knew it like the backs of their hands.

So far, according to Izzie, internship wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Their resident, Miranda Bailey, truly deserved her nickname of the Nazi, despite whatever George and Meredith might say. Her only reputation amongst the Doctors was only as the former Model, a rumour which had been fueled by her least favourite intern Alex Karev. In addition to this, she and George were still living in a crappy motel and Meredith was bizarrely avoiding the subject of the three of them getting an apartment together.

"Hey Stevens."

Izzie turned around reluctantly when she heard a familiar voice and came face to face with Alex Karev.

"Any idea where we are?" she asked hopefully.

"Far from the OR. Bet Yang spend her free time planning out shortcuts," he said jokingly. She smiled awkwardly, realizing he was trying to be friendly.

"George and Mer have known their way around since birth."

She followed him when he began to walk, hoping he would lead her back to the locker room or to the OR floor.

"You three live together, right?" he asked.

"Used to. We haven't found a place here yet."

The two of them arrived to the door of the locker room. Alex paused as Izzie went in, and watched Meredith arrive with Derek. He smiled to himself before entering behind Izzie and heading for his own locker.

* * *

Meredith smiled at her stepfather over her resident's shoulder, and was met with a stern look of his own. She immediately dropped her own smile and quickly deduced that he was not actually mad at her and was only trying to held his fondly maintained conception that he a hard-ass.

"Bailey, can I borrow one of your interns for a moment?" he asked. Meredith smiled again when she saw Izzie (who had met him occasionally during the holidays, but who had never grown close to him) staring up at him in a mix of fear and horror and at Alex, a smarmy smile already on his face, ready to suck up.

"Of course, Chief," she responded briefly. Richard's eyes met Meredith's for a moment and she moved to follow him.

"This way, Doctor Grey," he said tersely.

She followed him until the two had rounded the corner into a relatively empty corridor. When they had passed out of the sight of the interns and their resident he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.

"How's work going?"he asked, once he'd pulled away. She smiled.

"It's exhausting. But I can see why you guys are so in to it,"she replied.

"You living in the old house?"asked Richard. She nodded.

"Yeah, I am. Sorry I haven't been by. It's just..."

"You're an intern, your mother and I understand. But I did promise your mother I would try. Do you have the night off?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Good. Then you can come to dinner. I roped Sammie into staying home for the night, and I'm your boss now."

Meredith smiled.

"I'll be there."

"And Derek's in town. We'll get him to come along, too."

She noted how he said this, as if Derek was in for a flying visit. From it, it was obvious that Richard knew why but did not want Meredith too. And from his tone, it was obvious that he expected Meredith to react in excitement at seeing her "big brother" as she had done since childhood.

"Great. Addison, too?"

After all, pretending she didn't know was considerably easier than explaining why she did.

* * *

Several hours later, George and Izzie arrived back at the locker room together. They saw Meredith lying down on the narrow bench between the lockers, and walked over to her. She jumped when she opened her eyes to see George staring down at her.

"What?" she asked crankily. She looked between Izzie's beam and George's playful smile.

"We just secured a place. We can move in next week," said George. Meredith winced and sat up.

"I thought we already talked about this,"she said slowly. Izzie's smile fell.

"I thought you were selling your parents place to move in with us,"said Izzie.

"I was thinking I might keep it." She spoke again before the other two could. "Come on, we've lived together for ever now."

George and Izzie exchanged looks of surprise before Izzie moved on to another tactic.

"We can only afford to get it with the three of us."

Meredith shrugged helplessly.

"You know, I've been looking for a place to stay," said another voice casually.

Izzie glanced toward Alex Karev and rapidly realized why he'd bothered to be nice to her that morning.

She took a step backwards in surprise when she noticed George looking at her appealingly.

"Seriously? We hate him. And he's a total perv,"s he said indignantly.

"Come on, we need the roommate. And having him is better than having someone we have to pretend to be nice to. You'll just have to... not wander around in your underwear. Nothing else will change," promised George.

"You that really doesn't..."

"Shut up, Alex," said Izzie instantly. She ran her hands through her blonde hair and sighed in frustration. After one more irritated glance at Meredith, she relented. "Fine. You can move in. So long as you don't listen to loud music or break things or... talk too loudly."

Meredith sighed in relief. She'd been fairly sure that it would be impossible to back out of her living arrangements without revealing herself to be living with Derek.

* * *

"One of us has to ring it."

Meredith smiled sideways at Derek. They'd arrived together in the car, after coming up with the excuse that she'd driven them both there from work. Even though he'd actually driven. For some reason, the idea of explaining why he'd driven was harder than explaining why they'd come together.

"Did you tell them what happened with Addison?" she asked.

"I told Richard when I asked for a job. He must have told your mother."

Meredith nodded. She'd grown up with two parents who, although slightly absent, had been good parents. They had maintained their loving, companiable relationship through two daughters, their brief battle for Cheif, their undending hours at the hospital, their sordid history. They could be counted on to tell each other everything.

She rung the doorbell and it was opened almost instantly by Richard.

"You don't have to ring, you know," he said, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. He and Derek shook hands.

"Derek rung," she lied. Her mother came out to join them.

"Derek's family too," she admonished. He leaned down to hug his foster mother of sorts and smiled at her.

"Where's Sammie?" asked Meredith.

"Coming," came a voice.

The four of them looked to the staircase. A tall, mocha skinned girl was descending. She was wearing her long dark hair straightened.

She reached the bottom of the stairs and went first to her half-sister. Meredith hugged her. They got along best after long absences.

"I can't believe you're a Doctor now," said Sammie.

"Well you're a senior. That's pretty cool too," said Meredith. She looked nothing like her sister, who had green eyes and was several inches taller.

She nodded at Derek awkwardly. Though she'd grown up seeing her older sister look up to him and Mark, she'd never connected with them in the same way. Ellis had been pregnant with her when they'd left New York, and she'd never had the need for role models in the way Meredith had and had only developed a sketchy connection with Addison.

The three Webbers were very curious about Derek's presence in Seattle, but managed to hold their questions until the dinner table.

"So where's Addy?" asked Sammie.

"Back in Manhattan," said Meredith, answering ahead of Derek and sending her sister a warning glance.

"So you're only visiting then?"s he asked Derek curiously.

"No, moved here."

"Then why..."

"Samantha Ellis Webber..." said Richard, his tone warning her. She frowned but fell silent. Meredith squeezed Derek's hand under the table.

"Then is she coming here to..."

Derek stood up abruptly and walked to the kitchen, his water glass in his hand. Ellis shook her head at Meredith when she made to stand up, and quickly followed him yourself.

She found him standing by the counter, drumming his hands on the granite countertop and staring into space, his gaze focused and angry.

"I know what happened," she said, doing her best to make her voice motherly and comoforting. He looked at her and spoke the first words that came to him:

"No you don't."

She moved to join him and waited for him to speak again.

"I went home. I had a feeling. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. I walked upstairs, and there's a leather jacket on the floor but it isn't any leather jacket. It..."

He looked helplessly at her and she gasped in her sudden realization.

"Mark's?"

Derek nodded.

"In the throes. I left. I haven't been back."

"Does Meredith know?" asked Ellis, her tone once again brisk and businesslike.

"She knows it happened. She doesn't know it was Mark."

"Were you planning to tell her?"

"No. I don't want her to know."

"Are you sure that..."

"Of course I'm sure. She's been looking up to him since she was seven years old, I'm not taking that away from her," he said firmly.

Ellis paused. She knew at that moment that if she had been Richard, or almost anyone, she would have said the obvious: something along the lines of "Of course Mark means the world to her, but never as much as you have."

But she was Ellis Webber, and somehow she could not.

* * *

Izzie rolled her eyes as Alex Karev dropped his last box on the floor and flexed his tense muscles. He glanced toward her and she frowned when she realized that she could no longer wander around the apartment in her underwear, or in the small white tank top and flannel pants she was wearing now.

"Nice tat," he commented, glancing at the bare expanse of her midriff. She attempted ineffectually to tug down her shirt.

"I am so going to miss Meredith," she muttered.

"But she's too busy shacking up with Shepherd."

Izzie dropped her hands and looked at him in confusion.

"Meredith's almost thirty. She's just tired of having roommates, Alex," said Izzie.

"Or she doesn't want you to cramp her style,"he suggested.

Izzie shook her head as he wandered off to his bedroom, thinking rapidly. She remembered the references Meredith had made to Derek, how much he had meant for to her as a child.

And remembered also, that Derek was rumoured to have just split up with his wife.

Mostly she remembered her best friend, George O'Malley, who she knew would only see this as finally losing her to the man he'd never felt he could measure up to.


	9. Eyes Wide Open All The Time

Chapter Nine: Eyes Wide Open All The Time

Meredith felt Izzie's judgment eyes on her from the beginning of the day, but wasn't remotely inclined to deal with whatever offense she'd committed. She had a fairly good idea of what it probably was.

She met up with Cristina at lunch time, after discovering that George and Izzie were both still busy.

"So how did you get off call last night?"asked Cristina curiously. Meredith smiled, doubting that Cristina would even appreciate the opportunity to not work for the night.

"I was at dinner with my family," she explained.

"With the Chief? I would _kill_ for a connection like that," said Cristina.

Meredith laughed and shook her head.

"He's not a connection, he's my father."

"Fine, whatever. You've seriously been around here your whole life?" asked Cristina. Meredith shrugged.

"Pretty much. George and I hung around here a lot when we were kids. We lived in New York when I was seven, but then we came back."

"So you knew Bailey when she was an intern?" asked Cristina.

"Of course. Richard used to make Preston Burke take George and me on his rounds," recalled Meredith with a laugh.

"And then there's the fact that you're living with Derek Shepherd..."

"Not living. Well yeah, living, but not _living_ living. Anyway, he's going to get back together with his wife. They're Derek and Addison," explained Meredith.

"Clearly."

"I mean I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. Derek and Addison aren't just a couple, they're a concept. They're perfect and beautiful and just... Derek and Addison."

Cristina laughed and shook her head, already uncomfortable with the bonding. She'd come to Seattle to be a winner, there was no room for Team in the equation.

* * *

"So we've been missing you." 

Meredith held in a sigh and turned around to face Izzie. She looked up to meet her friend's brown eyes, and thought of how deeply she didn't want to have this conversation.

"There was a time before we all lived together,"she reminded her gently.

"Okay I'm going to talk, and you can talk when I'm done. We've been missing you."

Izzie's eyes probed into her, prompting her into confession.

"Yeah, I..."

"Alex's a boy, Mer. Not a boy like George. A boy who is flirtatious and irritating and sleeps with stupid redheaded nurses. Who thinks it's weird when George and I hang out in the bathroom or get into bed together."

"You like boys, Iz."

"Apparently, you do too," she snapped.

Meredith stared at her in surprise, instantly realizing her true meaning.

"Who told you?" she asked.

"Alex."

Meredith dropped onto the narrow bench between the lockers and ran her fingers through her hair.

"You get why I couldn't tell you, right?"

Izzie hesitantly sat down next to her.

"Because you didn't want to hurt George's feelings, and you wanted to keep everyone from knowing that the Shepherds are breaking up, and you didn't want people to think you were sleeping with an attending, and you're Meredith Grey and have enough people bitching about you behind your back without this, too?" she guessed.

Meredith laughed dryly.

"I guess we did live together a long time."

Izzie laughed as well.

"Should I tell George?" asked Izzie.

"Would you hate me forever if I asked you to not?"

Izzie shook her head.

"On one condition," she said firmly

"What?" asked Meredith nervously.

"Details?"

Meredith laughed again, this time more cheerfully and crossed her legs to face Izzie before beginning to gush about finding him at Joe's and all the hundreds of small, insignificant things that had happened since.

* * *

Derek Shepherd looked up in surprise when he realized that Meredith was hovering awkwardly in the doorway of the room, poised to question but nervous to interrupt. 

"Dr. Grey," he called out. He smiled briefly at the patient he had been talking to and handed his chart to a nurse. "Do you need me for a consult?"

"Yes. Female patient, 35. She's having seizures that don't seem to be showing up on the scans," she said quickly. He nodded and followed her down the corridor. He glanced around it before pressing his hand to the small of her back and steering her into a supply closet.

"Good cover," he remarked, once they'd closed the door. She smiled.

"I have to admit, I'm impressed."

He smiled fondly at her, for an instant letting her past self and the woman he knew now interlock.

"What's up?"he asked.

"Izzie. She found out about us," said Meredith worriedly.

"How?"

"Alex. I guess he saw us come in together?"

Sensing her worry, Derek cupped her cheek in his hand.

"It's okay. We're not doing anything wrong."

Meredith thought of countering this, but couldn't think of anything to defend her point with. All she could think of were the people-Richard, Ellis, George, Mark-who would object strongly enough to their unlikely union to want to smash Derek's head in.

She looked up to meet his blue eyes, and for a moment she felt the sharp, painful reaction she'd first felt so many years ago. The one she'd managed to bury under excuses, their age difference, all those years. It was still there.

As a child, she'd dreamed of him and Addison breaking up when she was finally old enough for him. Now she was, she wanted him just as badly, and all she could think to do was to hold him close to her, comfort him in any way possible.

Not drag him into her petty dramas.

"You're right. I guess I just don't want people to think we're..."

He smiled, flashing his dimples.

"It would probably help both of our street creds," he joked.

"Richard and Mark would team up to kill you."

He looked down, avoided her gaze, but she didn't notice.

"Probably. You okay now?"

Meredith nodded. He surprised her by leaning forward and giving her a hug, by brushing his lips across her forehead, in a gesture that was part friend, part brother, and, as he realized for a brief instant, part lover.

He left her alone in the closet. She watched him walk away and fell against the wall and sighed deeply, like a girl in the story.

She watched his crisp white labcoat, his perfectly gelled hair. He was the boy in the story. She just wasn't so sure that she was the girl.

* * *

After another impatient knock on the door, footsteps came running. He instantly categorized them to be Meredith's, but then remembered that she was grown up. She was too old and too busy to spend all her time at her parent's, waiting for the phone to ring and knocks on the door. 

He was taken aback when the door opened, by the tall girl with long, dark, straightened hair.

"Sammie?" he guessed.

She smiled.

"Hey Mark. Guess I'm never going to be just plain "Sam" to you guys, huh?" she guessed.

"Guess not. Is your sister around?" he asked hopefully.

He could already feel it-the calming feeling that he felt around her, like he was actually contributing to something good.

"She doesn't live here, Mark."

She looked surprised, but softened at his sad expression.

"She's probably at the hospital. She might as well live _there._"

Mark nodded understandingly and turned away after a brief goodbye.

He walked down the flower edged path from the big, comfortable house. He didn't really know why he was here, why he had left behind the woman he'd claimed to love for years, given up on what was in all probability the only chance to be with her, but somehow he knew he'd know when he found her.

* * *

Author's note: Hopefully this chapter (and the one coming) will give some of you a little more hope for what's to come. 


	10. You Must Know That I'll Follow You

Chapter Ten: You Must Know That I'll Follow You

Meredith looked up slowly when she realized that Derek's eyes had been on her, solidly, for over a minute and a half. She dropped her breakfast back onto the plate.

"What?" she demanded.

"That's the third meal you've made out of that pizza," he observed. She glared at him.

"You're eating muesli. I can't believe I've known you my entire life and not known you were _that _guy."

He laughed.

"You're crabby today. Is something happening?" he asked curiously.

"Something happens everyday," she said, her tone somewhere between cynical and cheery.

* * *

They would have intercepted them, had be been the type to wake up at that hour. He passed by Meredith's car hours after they went in, passing by it without noticing. 

He was tired. It had been difficult to explain to Addison, why he needed to go back to Seattle to make peace with Derek. She'd wanted to come with him, but she'd managed to convince her not to. He didn't fancy explaining that Derek wasn't the true reason for his stay.

She'd never really understood his and Derek's attachment to Meredith, and Mark wagered that she'd understand less when she knew he was going to visit her now that she was all grown up.

In theory, anyway. Mark didn't quite believe it yet.

He walked through the doors of Seattle Grace Hospital and stood awkwardly in the entrance. Richard Webber had been a father to him, Derek had been his brother, but he doubted that any of them would welcome him here.

He wondered if his betrayal of Derek would be the first thing that Meredith couldn't forgive of him.

"Excuse me?"

The intern he'd called out to stopped and glanced toward him, looking annoyed. He raised his eyebrows, surprised by his luck. Instead of looking underfed and pale in the fluorescent lights of the hospital, the girl he'd seen was tall, blonde and attractive.

"You looking for a patient, or to check yourself in?" she asked.

"A Doctor, actually. Do you know Meredith Grey?" he questioned.

"Oh, you know Meredith? Hi, I'm Izzie Stevens. We have the same resident," she explained. He put on his most charming Mark Sloan smile and shook her hand.

"So do you know where she...?"

A familiar voice stopped him.

"_Mark_?"

Izzie glanced at her watch in annoyance and realized that she had to leave before seeing the scene in its entirety. She walked toward the elevator as Meredith moved toward Mark.

As she waited for the elevator, she caught sight of Derek on the overhanging corridor and smirked. She knew the bare details of Mer's histories with them. This would be interesting.

Meredith felt herself lifted off the air, felt his strong arms on her back, encircling her waist, her chest pressed in to his. She felt her own arms move around his neck, her lips smile, a laugh escape them.

He set her back down on the ground, a smile still present on his face. She reached a hesitant hand to his cheek to touch the stubble present.

"Come here."

She followed compliantly, still dazed, when he pulled her toward a slightly more secluded corner, under the stairs. Both of them unaware of the eyes that had seen them.

"My God, Mark..."

He smiled down into her gray eyes, still the ones that had adored him as a child.

"I missed you, Mer."

She smiled.

"I can't believe you're here. Derek's going to be ecstatic. God, he didn't even recognize me when I ran into him..."

These words confirmed it: she had no idea. For some unknown reason, he'd kept it from her. He was still just Mark, he wasn't the enemy yet.

"This is so great. You have to come over tonight. Derek and I are living together, it's..." She continued to speak, but he couldn't quite hear her.

_Derek and I are living together..._

So it was always true, about Derek getting the girl. Her words brought up a surprising, almost forgotten jealousy in him.

"You're all grown up, Mer," he said in disbelief. She blushed.

"You know, you say that every time you see me," she pointed out. He shrugged.

"Well, each time it's just a little bit more true."

Years ago, if Meredith could have guessed that any of their relationships would have lasted, she would have said her own with Mark. She would have predicted nothing of what had happened. Not between Derek and Addison, not between Derek and herself.

"Maybe you've stayed away too-,"

He cut her off. Not like his words, in the playful banter way that she could have expected, but in a different way altogether.

His lips, even after she'd got over her surprise, were unlike any that she'd ever felt. His arms encircled her like they'd done just minutes before, like they'd done so many millions of times but he held her closely, he held her without fear.

And she kissed him back. Even though he was Mark, not Derek, and even though she had never loved him as much, even when she knew she should have loved him better.

Her arms didn't move around his neck. Her lips pressed up against his, she slowly opened them, he spoke her name softly, but her arms stayed her own.

So when more arms came, when he was ripped off of her, it was only her lips that required separation.

She heard the crack of bone against bone, saw the blood began to spurt, heard the yelling, but couldn't even begin to understand.

* * *

"What the _hell_ is going on?" 

Meredith jumped slightly. She'd seen her stepfather angry, plenty of times, but never before like this. Never so livid, never so likely to rip the head off of anyone who got in his way.

"Chief..."

It was clear that he hadn't really wanted an answer.

"We can't have people... _punching _each other and... _making out _with my **daughter** on my surgical floor!"

Mark winced and pinched the skin at the bridge of his nose. Here, apparently, was another person who didn't know the whole story.

"Richard..."

His eyes went to Meredith, but he didn't calm down. She took a deep breath and surged forward.

"I'm sorry about the kissing thing. Besides that, I have no idea of what's going on."

He glared at her for another moment before turning to face the two men, both sitting in their chairs, their arms crossed, facing away from each other.

"Would one of _you_ care to explain why my Head of Neurosurgery felt the need to punch out his best friend on my OR floor?"demanded the Chief. Meredith looked curiously at them. She'd been startled, when she'd realized that the arms that had pulled Mark off of her had been Derek's. He still hadn't met her eyes.

"A few months ago..." the three of them looked toward Derek, who had spoken first. "I arrived home late last night. I walked upstairs to my room to find Addison, like I did every night. But I knew..."

He glanced at Meredith for the first time, who frowned, knowing that he was talking about but not knowing the why.

"Something was wrong. I stepped on a jacket. I knew what was wrong, and I knew exactly what was happening. I opened the door to my bedroom and what did I find, Mark?"

Meredith spun around to face Mark, slowly realizing in horror the meaning of it all.

"Addison and I. In bed together."

Derek's jaw tightened, but he said nothing. Mark looked down to avoid the look that Meredith gave him.

Richard sighed.

"Derek..." He looked up. "You put your weight behind that punch?"

Both of them glanced at the shiner on Mark's eye.

"Yes, Sir."

* * *

"So when you said you were living with Derek I didn't know you meant you were _living_ with Derek," remarked Mark. 

"Please. If we were together, do you really think I would have let you kiss me like that?"

"To be honest. I didn't think you'd let me kiss you at all," he replied flippantly.

"You know, I'm not even sure I'm speaking to you right now."

"Come on, this is way too much of a twist for you to ignore."

Meredith cleaned the wound on his face and smiled.

"Fine. How the hell did it happen?"

Mark shrugged and sent her his best innocent look.

"She was lonely, Mer. And I was... there," he explained lamely.

"She's your best friend's wife, Mark!" exclaimed Meredith indignantly.

"It's weird though. Didn't seem to bother him much."

"What do you mean? He just laid you out on the floor."

"When he saw me with you."

"What?"

"He saw me with Addison, literally in the throes, and he walks away. Then he sees me, just talking to you..."

"We were kissing, stupid," she said, rummaging in the drawer for supplies.

"He saw us before then."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"God, you're such an ass. I miss older brother Mark," she lamented.

"However, he didn't seem to like the kissing that much."

He glanced back at Meredith, noticed with less denial than Derek had that she really was a woman now, in all senses of the word.

"I didn't mind the kissing so much."

She rolled her eyes and gave him a mirror to hold.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"You need stitches."

"I know. Give me the needle, you can hold the mirror."

She watched as he gave himself sutures.

"So what are you doing here, Mark? And you do know that I'm a Doctor now, right?"

"Well maybe I'm just here to make amends and make out with my favourite blonde intern. Speaking of which, I think I found my second favourite before. She's tall, name of Izzie?" Mark ended his speech with a smile.

"Sleep with Izzie and _I'll_ lay you out on the OR floor. Are you going to New York? I need you to not be here when Derek and I sort all of this out," she requested.

"What, so you can join the Dirty Mistress' club?"

She glared at him.

"Derek's heartbroken. And one of my oldest friends. We're living together. Don't read into it," she ordered.

"You know, when you were younger you were never this mean," he complained.

"Well when we were younger you were my hero. And your thing with Addison was theoretical. Now it isn't."

Mark finished his suturing and took the mirror back from her, brushing his fingers against hers as he did so.

"Yeah. And so was your thing, with Derek."


	11. If You Don't Love Me, Let Me Go

Chapter Eleven: If You Don't Love Me, Let Me Go

"Why was he suturing his own face?" asked Izzie curiously.

Meredith glanced at her friends, all hovering outside Mark's room in curiosity.

"To turn me on?" suggested Cristina.

"Stop that. He's like my brother, the concept is disturbing," complained Meredith.

"What, you make out with your brothers now?"

Izzie spoke as George walked in to join them, and all three girls cringed.

"You were making out with Mark?" he demanded. Meredith looked hopelessly at him and walked over.

She gently placed both hands on his face.

"Look, Mark just showed up, Derek punched him out for sleeping with Addison, and the kissing thing was kind of an accident. It's not my easiest day ever. And I need to not deal with one more guy in my life's jealousy," she said. He nodded and encircled both of her wrists with his hands.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Derek lied to me about Addison and Mark."

"I know."

George tilted his head forward and their foreheads met.

"He was trying to protect you," said George.

"I guess he had to take over for Mark," said Meredith sadly.

Izzie glanced down casually at the chart in her hands, but Cristina couldn't take her eyes off the scene. She'd never seen anything like it, so completely platonic, yet so endearing, so close.

Meredith stepped back and shook her head, as if to clear it.

"It's going to be okay. Mark will go away and Derek will explain everything to me," she muttered. George nodded.

"Yeah. Everything's going to be okay."

* * *

After briefly asking around, it became obvious to Meredith that Derek had left without her, something he hadn't done since they'd begun living together. 

Having finished a day of dodging Izzie's curious questions, Mark's presence, her stepfather's disapproval and Cristina's confusion, she wasn't completely willing to deal with more issues, but was angry enough to make yell at him about them.

The front door banged behind her. She heard footsteps instantly halted in the kitchen, and walked down the hall toward them.

Meredith was greeted by Derek's blank face. His eyes were void of emotion, his mouth in neither a smile nor a frown. For a second it stumped her. She didn't know what to do with this angry, violent Derek.

"So do you want to start with a "what the hell was that", or with a "why the hell do you have any right to be angry at all?" demanded Meredith.

"You don't think I have any right to be angry?" he shot back.

"Yeah, with **Addison**. With **Mark**. Not with me."

Derek was silent again, and Meredith could tell he was picturing it. She couldn't tell who he was picturing, herself or Addison, but she could tell it hurt him.

"We always used to protect you. I never thought I'd have to protect you from him."

"You don't have to protect me anymore. You haven't had to for a long time."

"I would have thought you, of all people, would know better than to make out with him,"said Derek.

"I know Mark better than anyone. _Anyone_. You know, I used to think I knew you a little bit, too."

Derek shook his head slightly, and turned slightly to avoid her eyes.

"Don't do this."

"You lied to me, Derek. You told me it was no one. I could have handled the truth," she said.

He forced himself to turn back to look at her.

"I didn't want you to know. I wanted you to be able to make up your own mind about him."

Meredith groaned in frustration.

"Why is it that you always seem to think you have to protect me from the big bad world? I managed for years with out you."

He moved forward and put a hand on her forehead.

"You don't have to be alone," he said softly.

"I haven't ever been."

He nodded, and Meredith suddenly realized that he did look older, that he did look tired.

"Please don't to it ever again."

She smiled, and he moved his hand to her cheek.

"Why did you punch him for being with me?" she asked.

He ran a thumb across her skin and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

It didn't take her long to realize that he wasn't going to answer.

"If we're going to do this, we both have to. I have to know about your life. You have to tell me things," she said firmly.

He nodded.

"Okay. I can tell you things."

* * *

George slid down onto the floor beside Izzie and placed a hesitant hand on her knee. 

"Big day," he said.

"Yeah. She has a knack for those," remarked Izzie.

"Always has. Mark, he's very... tall," said George lamely. Izzie smiled.

"You handled yourself well. She needed you to not freak out," said Izzie.

"You too."

Izzie raised her eyebrows.

"I mean, you were so obviously dying for dirt. I didn't think you could handle it," he joked. She punched him on the arm.

"Shut up."

George laughed, but quickly looked subdued.

"You miss her, don't you?" asked Izzie. He nodded.

"It's weird. I mean, we've been around each other all the time since we were kids. Now we're still around each other all the time but there's this other part of her life she has and I have no idea what goes on in it."

For a second Izzie was tempted to tell him, but held back.

"You were great with her earlier."

He smiled.

"She brings that out in people, doesn't she? The whole "damsel in distress" thing? I actually understood why Derek did it."

"Because you wanted to, too?" she asked.

He nodded tersely.

Izzie didn't say anything more and fought the urge to hit him again. His devotion to her had never wavered, not even when she'd broken his heart in high school, not during med school when her model friends would attempt to seduce him, attracted to to his good guy vibe.

"I wonder where Alex is," said Izzie absently.

"Seriously?"

"Come to think of it, maybe I really don't want to know..."

* * *

"Where are we?" 

Meredith wrapped her arms around herself and looked suspiciously around the spacious land around them,

"We are standing on forty acres of land," he explained.

"Yeah, I see that. And I'm assuming there's a reason?"

"It's my land. And I have absolutely no idea of what I'm going to do with it."

She waited for him to continue.

"I drove all night. I found Addison and Mark, I left her, and then I drove all night. I ended up here. I gave your Dad some excuse and realized I needed a place to live."

She laughed, and he realized that it was the first time she'd laughed since the incident at the hospital, and that he'd missed the sound.

"So you bought 40 acres? You couldn't have found an apartment, decided if you wanted to stay?" she asked.

He walked back toward her, cast a glance toward the greenery around them, the lake in the distance.

"But I found a place to stay," he said honestly.

She nodded.

"You still have it."

He nodded, and met her eyes. Instantly she found herself getting lost in his blue eyes, as lost as she'd been in them since the first time.

"I'm sorry for today," he said.

She shook her head.

"No, you're not."

"Fine, I'm not. I'm sorry for lying."

Derek followed her when she wandered farther into the property. He glanced down at his bruised hand, tightened it into a fist.

Again, as he'd been doing all day, he told himself it had been for Addison. For Addison, who'd been his wife for nine years. Not for Meredith, who was too young for him, and his little sister, and who had the right to make out with whomever she pleased.

Not for Meredith.

* * *

Author's note: So just in case you were wondering, I'm going to begin to set up other couplings to. All this groundwork is jut very time consuming! Anyway, thanks for your reviews. They're amazing. 


	12. Dark, Black Night

Chapter Twelve: Dark, Black Night

Meredith halted outside the locker room the next morning and Derek, who had been walking behind her, crashed abruptly into her. He laughed and steadied her.

"It's going to be okay," he said again.

"No it's not. George is going to be all supportive and Izzie will be all mad that I haven't given her details yet and Cristina will mock and Alex will be mean and Bailey will be all disapproving..."

"Hey, anyone's mean to you today and I'll kick their ass," he promised. She scoffed in exasperation.

"Don't you dare."

He laughed and playfully ruffled her hair. Giving him another playful look of annoyance, she ducked into the locker room.

She glanced hurriedly around and was relieved to find that only interns who weren't Bailey's were there. She hurried to her locker and twirled the lock open.

"Well hey there Mrs. McSteamy," came a voice.

Meredith looked up to see Meredith had appeared around the corner of the lockers. She sighed.

"Are we really going to do this?"she asked. "And _McSteamy_?"

"You've been kind of keeping me out of the loop."

Meredith sighed heavily and sat down on the bench. It had always been like this. Izzie and her had never been as close as they both were to George, they both made each other feel out of the loop because without his influence, they never would have been friends.

"Trust me. Yesterday, I felt out of the loop too."

Izzie joined her.

"He's hot. We never met him for like, five years. And I didn't mind much because it's a whole other life for you but damn... he's hot."

"I guess he is."

"Good kisser?" asked Izzie.

Meredith briefly saw Derek's hurt face in her mind's eye, his blue eyes looking hurt and betrayed.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Hello, Ladies."

Meredith cringed. She looked up to see Mark Sloan, standing in the intern locker room as if he belonged there, carrying two steaming cups of coffee.

"Hey, Mark."

"Oh look, George is here. I'll go talk to George," said Izzie awkwardly, jumping up to leave them alone together.

"You need to leave," she said.

"What, Seattle or the hospital?"

"This room. Then Seattle. Being here is killing him, Mark. You need to give him space," she pleaded.

"It's not working out with Addison, Mer. I never meant to lose my best friend," he said.

"You're such an idiot sometimes."

He looked entreatingly at her and she found herself wavering. She knew better than anyone how hard it had been for him to watch Derek and Addison together for years. She knew he loved Addison, he always had. But he'd kissed _her._

"Come on, Mer-Bear. I know you missed me."

"I did miss you," she admitted. She glanced up at the bruise on his face. "Does it hurt?"

"Not much. Anyway, it was worth it."

She groaned in frustration.

"What am I going to do with you, Mark? Anyway, you have to go," she said firmly.

"Why? Am I supposed to be scared of your resident?" he asked, laughing. Meredith smirked.

"It might be in your best interest."

Mark laughed, but jumped slightly when a voice came from behind you.

"Who the hell are you?"

He turned around sharply and came face to the face with the short, dark skinned Doctor.

"Dr. Mark Sloan... Ma'am," he said.

"Miranda Bailey. Now can you tell me what you're doing with my intern?" she demanded.

"I was..."

"Yeah, I bet you were! You're not anymore, we have rounds to do," she said firmly. Mark raised his eyebrows, but winked and handed the coffee to Meredith before leaving.

Bailey rolled her eyes, already wary of the her intern. Though she'd known Meredith for years, she'd always known that her internship would prove to be a challenge. She'd begged the Chief to not make her be the resident to George and Meredith, who knew all her weak points, but it had been to no avail-they knew all the residents, and it only made sense to put them with the only one capable of handling everything.

* * *

The interns crowded around a patient, listening as the surgeon, Dr. Preston Burke, explained his surgery to him.

Meredith smiled covertly at him when he glanced her way. She and George had mocked him when he was an intern, for being cocky and for ignoring them when they tried to tag along on rounds, but after he'd come around and proved himself to be an extremely talented heart surgeon, they'd accepted him as one of their favourites.

She and George hung back as the interns dispersed to do the tasks that Bailey had assigned to them.

"Hey, Preston," said Meredith.

"Hey Meredith. Hey George," he said. He shook George's hand, who had always looked up to him.

"Hey Burke."

"I hear you've been causing all sorts of drama around here," he said to Meredith.

"Oh God, please don't go there," she begged. He smiled.

"So you guys have Bailey. How's that working out for you?" he asked.

"Starting to understand the "Nazi" thing."

"Most do. I'll be seeing you guys," he said, departing.

They left and caught up with Cristina.

* * *

"You guys are on the In with Dr. Burke, too?" she asked curiously.

"We go way back. He was an intern here," explained George.

"He was a huge man whore back then," laughed Meredith.

"Seriously?" asked Cristina, her senses alerted.

"Well, he is a world renowned surgeon. And I mean... look at him," she said awkwardly. Talking about Preston Burke as attractive was almost as awkward as doing so for Mark.

"I hadn't," said Cristina briskly. She disappeared in another direction. George and Meredith exchanged surprised looks, but didn't think any further about the exchange.

* * *

Mark had been wandering around the hospital all day, and was relieved at lunch time when he finally came across Meredith again.

"Hey. Mind if I join you?" he asked, sitting down at the otherwise empty table as he spoke.

"Guess not. Having fun?" she asked.

"Derek's avoiding me. And uh, Ellis and Richard don't seem too wild about me being here, either," he said.

"No one's wild about you being here, Mark," she said.

"Except you."

She smiled reluctantly at him.

"Fine. Except me. Happy?"

"Extremely. So what's going on between you and Derek?" he asked in interest. She groaned.

"Do we really have to go there again?" she moaned.

"We haven't gone there yet. You've skillfully avoided every mention of the subject."

"_Nothing_ is going on between Derek and me. He needed a place to stay, and he needed someone to care for his heart ache. Nothing more."

"Except for the punching.

"Because you slept with his wife!"

Mark sighed.

"That had nothing to do with Addison, Mer-Bear," he said again.

"Don't call me that. And he's just my friend. Like you are," she said strictly.

"What, you're not my Mer-Bear anymore?" he asked entreatingly.

"You know you make no sense? I mean you come back to make peace with Derek but end up kissing me, inevitably pissing him off, then you waste all your time and energy trying to convince me that Derek's falling for me!"

Mark laughed, amused to see her explode at him in the exact same way that she'd done when she was seven.

"I didn't kiss you because I wanted to piss off Derek. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you," She froze as he gently reached up, wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and gently pulled her toward him.

"And _now,_ I want to kiss you again."

She nodded hazily.

A moment later something caught her attention: Derek, walking past them toward the coffee cart, a hard expression on his face. She broke away abruptly.

"Sorry. I can't do this," she said to him, before jumping up to run after Derek.

She stood silently beside him as he counted out his change and then purchased a decaf coffee and a bagel.

"Derek..."

"Seriously, Meredith?"

"Yes, Derek, seriously. And I'm sorry, because I can't even imagine how hard this is for you, but I cant cut him out of my life. He's my family, and he's never hurt me. And he's been taking care of me since I was seven years old. I owe it to him to take care of him a little bit right now."

Derek stared at her for a moment, letting her words sink in. He sighed and ran a hand through his thick dark hair.

"I guess if that's the best offer I'm going to get, I can't turn it down, can I?" he asked. She smiled.

"Guess not."

"Just don't..."

"Kiss him?" she suggested.

"No. I mean yeah. But what I meant was... don't let him break your heart, Mer."

"I don't think he has any interest in my heart," she said, shrugging. Derek laughed slightly bitterly and shook his head in disagreement.

"Oh, I think you'd be surprised," he said cryptically. He moved slightly forward and for a second she thought he was going to hug her, or kiss her forehead, but seemed to think better of it. He left her standing alone by the coffee cart. She hesitated before turning around to head back to the table she'd been sitting at with Mark.

But then she stopped.

He'd already gone.


	13. Everything We Have Is All We Need

Chapter Thirteen: Everything We Have Is All We Need 

_Meredith fell onto the bed and was quickly followed. He slid his lips down her throat and her pulse quickened in response. Her fingers intertwined in his hair and his arms tightened around her. _

_She brought one arm down to unbutton his shirt and then to tug it off. His went to pull off her own shirt and to slowly, as if savouring the moment, to unclasp her bra. She wrapped her legs around his waist after he'd ripped off the skirt she was wearing._

_His lips, like all his movements were smooth, assured, exciting, wrong in the best sense of the word. She moaned as his hands and mouth ran over her body, caressing and torturing her until she felt like she couldn't take it any more._

"_You ready?" he asked, his voice heavy and slow._

"_Like you wouldn't believe," she replied._

_He slid inside of her and for a second his face was taut, intent, but then he gave away to his own pleasure and began to rhythmically move inside of her. _

"_You getting there?" he asked the women underneath him, her head tilted back, her fingernails digging into the flesh of his back. _

_She answered his question not with words, but what he'd much rather hear, his name, coming out from her lips in a moan, desperate for more:_

"_Mark..."_

* * *

"Are you ready? Come on, we're going to be late!" 

Meredith woke as the voice came through her door, and her awakening was followed instantly by guilt.

She was glad, as she heard Derek's footsteps go down the stairs, that he couldn't look into her head. She knew he wouldn't altogether like what was to be found.

"You slept late," he observed when she appeared in the kitchen in her scrub pants and a tank top.

"Guess I did."

He observed her with amusement as she wandered to the fridge, opened it, half heartedly pursued the contents and then gave up in favour of coffee.

"Something on your mind?" he asked.

She looked up guiltily at him, certain for a second that he really _could_ read her thoughts. It registered briefly why he had so much trouble seeing her as an adult. Lately, she hadn't seen him as his current self, either. She took in his deep blue eyes, his dark hair, his handsome face.

Being attracted to Derek was like breathing. It had always been a part of her.

Being attracted to Mark was dangerous. She was terrified of what could come of it.

"No. I'm fine."

He smiled briefly, absently. She wondered if he and Addison had been like this, comfortable in each other's company, eating breakfast together. She wondered how much Derek still thought of Addison.

"Seriously, are you okay?" he asked again.

"Seriously. I'm fine."

* * *

"ALEEEEXXX. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOOOOOUUU." 

George groaned as Izzie's loud, sing-song voice penetrated his ears instead of its intended target.

"You know we could actually just leave without him," he found himself saying.

"Yeah, but then he'd sleep all day and get kicked out and wouldn't be able to pay rent and... this is kind of fun," she admitted, pounding on Alex' door.

"Maybe he had a late night last night."

"The reheaded nurse, maybe? Olivia?"

"Could be. Or the brunette."

"Not the brunette, she's loud, we'd know. ALEX!"

Alex finally appeared, and Izzie abandoned her post by the outside of his door and went to the kitchen.

"I should have gotten my own place," he grumbled, sliding into his place at the table.

"Fine. Leave," said Izzie shortly. He grabbed a muffin from the place on the table and bit into it.

"Maybe I'll stay," he said, contentedly taking another bite of muffin and caused Izzie to roll her eyes by propping his feet up on the table.

"I'm also good with the you going thing," said George.

"You just want to be able to watch Meredith in her underwear again," accused Alex.

"You know, back before they got here they both wandered around in their underwear," he bragged.

"George!" exclaimed Izzie, laughing.

"Like sisters?" pressed Alex.

"No, not like... sisters," said George in embarrassment.

"So they would come on to you?" asked Alex.

"Of course not!" broke out Izzie in protest.

"Thanks, Iz."

"Sorry."

"Like sisters. Just like sisters," marveled Alex. Izzie called out again when George chucked the muffin he was holding at Alex' head.

Izzie dropped down into the seat beside Alex and sighed loudly.

"I miss Meredith," she whined.

"Much as George does?" said Alex suggestively. She ignored him.

"I miss living with girls. We should have asked Cristina," she said.

George scoffed.

"Cristina? Cristina doesn't have friends. She doesn't sleep. She doesn't have a life outside the hospital. She might not have a pulse," stated George.

"Heard she has a life _inside_ the hospital," commented Alex.

"What?"

"She's been keeping the on call room's busy," said Alex.

"With who?" asked Izzie avidly.

"Sorry Doctor Model, that's all I'm going to give you."

Izzie got up and went back to her room, calling over her shoulder as she did.

"You suck, Alex."

* * *

Despite Meredith's unusual awakening, the two made it to Seattle Grace on time, and went to the coffee cart together before rounds. 

"Derek, did you drive Meredith here?" asked Richard, coming up behind them. Meredith cringed, but Derek held his cool.

"Yeah, her car's in the shop. How you doing, Chief?" he asked.

"Not too bad. You two have to come for dinner again sometime," he said.

"We will. I've seen you and Mom a total of about four times since I started working here," lamented Meredith. Richard laughed.

"I hear you're doing well," he said. Derek spotted something behind Richard's shoulder and scowled darkly.

"What's he still doing here?" he demanded. Meredith knew without checking, that it was Mark.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I would like nothing more than to send him back to New York, but he's talented. He's brining us more revenue in his department than we've had in years. He has no contract, I'm sure he'll be leaving soon," he explained patiently. Derek nodded curtly before leaving, and Richard followed him.

Meredith braced herself for Mark's arrival, but wasn't prepared when he leaned in until her lips almost touched her ear and wished her good morning.

"Don't do that," she commanded instantly.

"Do what?" he asked.

"Get all close like that," she continued.

"I don't remember you being such a prude, Mer," he teased.

"Well, I don't remember seducing anyone close to Derek being one of your main hobbies, but apparently, people change," she said in irritation.

"That's what I'm doing? Seducing you?" he asked. "Well, is it working?"

She sighed in frustration and began to walk away, but he caught her elbow and stopped her.

"Sorry. You were a good influence on me Grey, I need that back. Meet me at the bar tonight?" he requested.

"Are you asking me out?"she asked.

"We've been going to bars since you were sixteen, and then it wasn't even legal. For you to drink _or_ for me to ask you out," he said. She smiled.

"Yeah, I'll be there. Make sure I don't bring any boys home with me," she teased, before departing to start rounds with the other interns and her attending.

Mark watched her go, a smile playing on his face.

"Don't worry," he said to himself. "I won't."

* * *

Hours later, amidst listening to George and Izzie ranting about Alex and Cristina, who was trying to subtly ask about Meredith's living conditions, Meredith managed to fall asleep.

* * *

_The lawn was green, the sky was blue. The dress was white._

_Meredith swirled around, transfixed, and looked out the window to see a lawn full of guests. Izzie and Cristina were waiting for her, dressed in matching blue dresses. Derek was standing at the end of the aisle, looking handsomer than she'd ever seen him._

_She found herself walking down the same aisle, behind Izzie and Cristina, toward Derek. He beamed at her, looking proud and joyful. She reached him. Richard pulled the veil from over her eyes and she took Derek's hand. _

_They listened to an official recite lines, too caught up in each other to notice anything else. He squeezed her hand, let her know he hadn't forgotten about her._

"_I, Derek, Shepherd, take you, Meredith Grey, to be my lawfully wedded wife..."_

_Meredith listened intently as Derek promised to love her forever._

"_I, Meredith Grey..."_

_They exchanged rings._

"_I now declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."_

_Meredith smiled as Derek's lips descended on hers and his arms found their way around her waist. _

* * *

Meredith awoke just as abruptly as they left and Cristina shook her shoulder impatiently. She blushed, even though no one else could see her thoughts. She'd had dreams like her dream this morning many times before-with Derek, even. This was embarrassing, this was girly and hopeful and complicated. 

The same question that had been running through Mark's head ran through her mind-_Why did Derek care so much_?

And then a new question, one that scared her:

_Would she one day have to choose?_

* * *

Author's note: 

Sorry, I didn't post when reviews are down, so it's been a while.

Hope you enjoyed. I'm going to do spoilers for next chapter... Because I'm just too excited to keep it in:

**Mark and Meredith go on their non-date.**

**Mark and Derek have another "confrontation".**

**Someone returns. ** _  
_


	14. The One Worth Leaving

Chapter Fourteen: The One Worth Leaving

The four interns looked up in surprise when Meredith appeared out of the showers dressed in jeans, a form fitting v-neck sweater and heels, her hair loose and clean, her face made up carefully.

"Do you have a date?" asked George. Izzie elbowed him.

"No. I'm just going out. I won't be..."

She stopped, reminding herself that they weren't waiting at home anymore, that they lived elsewhere.

"Never mind. See you later," she said. Izzie rolled her eyes when she saw both George and Alex' eyes follow her out, staring at the shape of her ass in her jeans. She and Cristina, still in their day old scrubs, exchanged glances.

"Someone's getting laid tonight," said Cristina, folding her arms across her chest and leaning back with a smile. George opened his mouth to retort, but the image of Meredith in his mind, looking as she'd looked in high school and college, but had rarely bothered to look since med school, stopped him.

He hid from the terrifying thought that she'd moved beyond them.

* * *

Meredith ignored the stares she got from the occupants of Joe's Bar, her eyes seeking Mark. She also ignored the ways his eyes slide down her body once she found him. 

She smiled at the bartender, who poured her a shot of tequila without request. She blushed and remember the last time she'd been in here, how she'd left with Derek.

"I'm glad you came," he said.

"Of course I came," she said.

He smiled at the statement, which was something the old Meredith, as he was accustomed to thinking of her, would say. No pretense, no hidden meanings, just what she felt.

"Does Derek know what's going on with us?" asked Mark.

"He knows that we're friends, that I'm not giving up on you for his sake. Does he know that we're here tonight?" she paused. "No."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"Because he would think that it was a date," said Meredith delicately.

"And you have to protect him from that information?"

"There is no information, this is _not_ a date. I just think he has other things he needs to worry about," she said.

"And go mad with rage about..." continued Mark.

"I wish you'd stop going on about that."

"I just thought it was a surprising development."

She rolled her eyes and drowned her shot.

"So what did you do without me in your life?" he asked, mercifully changing the subject.

"George and I went away to med school, met Izzie. I graduated top of the class, Izzie modeled. I came back here, Mom and Richard gave me the old house, I moved in with Derek when I found out about him and Addison," she explained briefly.

"What about George?" asked Mark.

"What?"

"Well you apparently studied. Izzie modelled, and I got to say I'm liking the girl more and more, but what did George do?" he asked. Meredith shrugged. "Or was he too busy being in love with you?"

This got the reaction he desired.

"God, what is with this recent obsession you've got that says every man I know is madly in love with me? George is just a friend."

This was slightly contradicted by the speech he'd given her the night they'd lost their virginities to each other, but had also never come up since.

Mark, having seen George's looks, the soulful ones when his eyes followed Meredith and the angry ones when he saw himself or Derek, knew differently but stayed quiet.

"Come on, I've always thought that. I've been threatening your boyfriends since you were old enough to have one," he said.

"Yes, I remember," she said, laughing.

"I remember the first time, that one with the stupid name?" said Mark.

"Finn?" supplied Meredith.

"Finn. What happened to him?"

"We broke up. We never slept together, if that's what you were wondering."

Mark was silent, and Meredith waited for the silence to end before asking what she'd been wondering about since he'd arrived.

"So now you have to tell me about Addie," she requested. Mark sighed heavily.

"I took advantage of her, Mer. She was lonely and she told me so, and I told her I was in love with her. Derek left, and she couldn't have him, so she settled for me. I knew she didn't love me, so I came back here," he said.

She frowned, remembering the first time Mark had told her he loved Addison, the many lingering glances he'd seen him send her. How had Derek, let alone Addison, never known?

"Did you really come back here to make peace with Derek? Or did you come here to piss him off some more?" she asked.

"I had no idea that kissing you would piss him off so much," he said honestly.

She smiled slightly.

"Would piss him off more, really. If I'd known, I would have come here to kiss you instead of sleeping with Addison, wouldn't I?" he asked.

She frowned and stood up sharply and made to move away from the table, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back down, sitting her squarely on his lap. He held her tightly when she wiggled.

"Come on, that wasn't even one drink. And you made me promise to make sure you didn't leave with anyone, so don't you have to return that one?" he asked.

She giggled and relaxed, hoping no one from Seattle Grace came in, but not really caring.

Her eyes moved from the entrance when Mark spoke again, and she didn't notice the next person who entered, who was tall and dark haired and almost instantly surprised by the sight that greeted him.

Derek Shepherd stood in the doorway, confounded by Meredith, sitting on Mark's lap as comfortably as if she did it every day. He watched as she laughed and he laughed with her and then descended back into their conversation.

He backed out of the bar, made his way to his car.

It was not a sight he cared to remember.

* * *

Meredith woke in surprise in an unfamiliar bed, and groaned to herself. She looked down and was relieved to see she was still wearing her pants. 

"Hello?" she called out. Propping herself up on her elbows, she realized she was in an elegant hotel room, lying in the middle of a king sized bed. The bathroom door opened and she let out a gasp of surprise.

"That's a nice noise to hear in the morning. How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I remember last night. It didn't end with us having sex."

"No. Trust me, I'm not so forgettable. I took you home last night because you locked your keys into your car."

"Not because I was drunk?" she asked.

"No, you were fine. You're just disoriented. It'll come back to you."

Meredith smiled and eased herself out of bed, glancing casually at Mark's defined stomach muscles.

"Come on," he said, pulling the covers off of her. "We need to get you to the hospital."

It wasn't until they arrived that she realized, with trepidation, that eventually she would have to explain to Derek why she hadn't come home all night.

* * *

Mark was surprised, but not alarmed, when he walked out of a consultation to find Derek leaning against the doorframe, obviously waiting for him. 

"If you scowl like that all the time, your face is going to stay like that,"said Mark blithely, stepping out of the room and allowing Derek to follow him.

"She didn't come home last night,"said Derek bluntly.

"True."

"Do I really need to threaten you about breaking her heart? Because that was one thing that always used to matter to you," said Derek.

"Who says it still doesn't?" demanded Mark angrily.

"Because clearly you're trying to get to me. Why else would you sleep with my wife? Why else would you kiss my..." he broke off, confused and at a loss for words.

"You know, I've been trying to explain to Meredith that you punched me to defend her honour. It's an interesting twist, Der," he said. He watched his friend's face harden in anger.

"Don't."

"And what do you mean, "my"? I mean, Addison's your wife. Meredith's your what? Your little sister? Your roomie? Your..." Mark broke off when he realized that Derek now looked angry enough to punch him in the face again, and that being himself would not save him from this situation.

The news that McSteamy and McDreamy were having a verbal war quickly made its way through the hospital. First to Izzie, running past them to answer a page, then to Alex, as he passed her on the way to another case and then down to the basement hallway, where Meredith and Cristina were waiting to be paged.

She ran upstairs, realizing instantly that Derek had figured what had happened, that Mark had provoked him, that all hell was about to break loose.

"Meredith?"

The voice stopped her, the only one in the world that could have right then. She stopped, turned, took in the sight of the elegantly dressed redheaded woman, slowly pulling the gloves off her hands. She listened in amazement to the clicking of her stilettos across the marble floor of the hospital.

"I can't believe you're here, and actually an intern."

She listened as she went on about how much she'd grown up, and hugged her back in surprise when arms came around her.

"Meredith? You okay?" she asked in concern. Meredith manufactured a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Addison," she said.

A yell drifted back to them, but Addison didn't appear to notice. Meredith smiled again and wondered how she'd prevent this woman, who had never been her friend, from knowing that they were currently fighting about herself and not Addison, and that she had recently kissed Mark and was living with Derek, Addison's husband.


	15. Never Give Up On You

Chapter Fifteen: Never Give Up On You

When Addison and Meredith appeared in the hallway, both Derek and Mark were immediately silence.

Meredith shot Mark a warning look. They watched as Addison coolly walked toward Derek.

"Hey Honey."

"Addison what are you doing here?" he demanded.

"You left two months ago and have been avoiding my calls every since. And then Richard called me," she said.

"Richard?"

"Come home, Derek."

"This is my home."

"You had a life in New York," she said insistently.

"I can't do this right now."

He walked out and after briefly hesitating, Meredith ran after him, tucking her hand into his when she reached him. Addison watched them in astonishment.

"And a girlfriend, in Seattle?" she asked, half to herself and half to Mark.

* * *

Meredith followed Derek out of the hospital and into the parking lot, their hands still intertwined. 

"Are you alright?" she asked hesitantly.

"How can she be here? Now? What's she doing here?" he asked.

"Trying to win you back."

"She gave up on us. She slept with Mark and now she's..."

Meredith found her way into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"It's going to be okay," she assured him. She smiled sympathetically at him as she pulled away, slightly glad that the shock of Addison's arrival took away from his anger at her. "Derek, Mark didn't..."

"Don't worry. I know you guys didn't sleep together. If you had, he wouldn't have tried to hide it."

Meredith nodded mutely, glad beyond reason that he understood this.

"Do you want to go home?" she asked him.

He shook his head, and his dark blue eyes stared past her into the blank, drab scenery.

"No. I want to do something," he said.

"What sort of thing? Because if we wait here much longer Addison's going to come out to talk to you." Meredith paused. "Do you want to do that?"

"No. I just want to do... something."

"Well, then, I have an idea."

* * *

"What just happened?"asked Addison, confused enough to take advice from Mark. 

"They're buddies now," he explained. This was interesting to Alex, walking down the hall, but they ignored him.

"As in..?"

"If you came back to win him back, that's not your biggest obstacle," stated Mark.

Addison looked questioningly at him.

"He's pretty angry. He punched me out the first day I came here."

"What, for just being here?" she asked. Mark considered her question, and briefly wished the woman he'd once considered to be the love of his life had stayed away a bit longer.

"Yeah."

* * *

Three knocks sounded heavily on the door, followed by the sound of rapid barking. Meredith opened it cautiously, and found Derek standing on the stoop, looking angry. 

"Izzie sent me to make sure you're still alive." He paused. "You are. I'm going back to the hospital."

Derek appeared behind her and George glanced at him, still angry but not surprised.

"George?" she asked questioningly.

"I have to go."

She followed him out to the lawn.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"What's going _on?_ What's going on is that we have to hear about the She-Shepherd coming back from Alex, of all people, who in the same breath informs us that you're shacking up with the He-Shepherd. Which, apparently, was no big surprise to anyone but me. And he also finds time to tell us that Derek is mad because you slept with Mark last night, and Addison is back to take Derek, or possibly Mark. And... you have a dog, as it turns out. And somehow, I'm once again the last to find all of this out."

Meredith sighed slightly.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Derek. We didn't want to tell anyone. He just separated from his wife, he needed to not be alone right now."

"And..?"

"And I didn't sleep with Mark, okay? And Alex is an ass. The dog's name is Doc and we got him today," she explained.

"This was why you didn't want to live with us, isn't it? Because you finally saw a chance to live your fairy tale life with Derek."

"That's not how it is, George. We lived together during college because we were scared and alone and young and needed to look out for each other. Now we're past that. We're back home, and you have Izzie. And now Derek needs me," she said.

George was silent.

"I guess today of all days you really didn't need me to freak out on you like that, did you?" he questioned. She laughed.

"Guess not. Don't sweat it. Am I in trouble with Bailey?"

"I think the Chief gets it. You'll be fine."

She nodded, and George left. She ran back up to the house, rubbing the dog's head when he met her at the door.

Derek tossed a rubber bone to her and she dangled it over Doc's head, laughing when he rose onto his hind legs and tried to jump for it. She threw it back to Derek.

"Everything okay?" he asked in concern.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

* * *

Having Mark show up to Seattle Grace and then subsequently haunt it had been bad enough. Having Addison show up and refuse to leave was considerably worse. 

"Where did you go yesterday, Derek?" she asked, gluing herself to his side as soon as she saw him.

"We got a dog."

"We?"

"Me and Meredith," he explained. "What are you, jealous? Seems ironic."

Addison sighed heavily.

"How long are we going to do this, Derek?" she asked.

"When is it not going to be true that you slept with your best friend?" he demanded.

"People do desperate things when..."

"Was there something you wanted?"

"Your address. Some of your friends from Manhattan wanted to know if you're still alive."

He nodded and entered his and Meredith's address and phone number in the Blackberry she offered him. He considered mentioning this fact, but decided against it.

He handed back her phone and walked away, leaving her alone.

* * *

"So, I heard you got a dog." 

Meredith smiled when Izzie slid into the seat next to her at the lunch table.

"Seriously? My roommate and his ex-best friend were fighting in a hospital corridor, everyone in the building thinks that I slept with Mark, Alex for some reason chose today to spread around the news about me and Derek, George is furious with me, and you want to ask about the dog? Seriously?"

"Hey, I found it more surprising than any of the other stuff.

"Yeah. We picked him up yesterday. He's a good dog."

Izzie smiled.

"But you know, if you want to talk about any of that other stuff..."

"Don't."

They lapsed into silence, and Meredith found herself wondering where Mark was-why he hadn't yet come to flirt with her, or to get her to go drinking with him, or to distract her from her job. Or why Derek hadn't come to be supportive and stoic.

She wondered if Addison staying meant both of them cutting their ties with her, that the bonds that had been again built up would fall away. She wondered if it would be as hard, this time, to do without them, or if it would be harder.

* * *

"It's going to be hard for her, when she realizes." 

Meredith looked up and managed a half smile, glad it was Mark and no one else. He sat beside her on the abandoned bed.

"Realizes what?"

Even as she said it, Meredith regretted her words. After all, it was bound to be annoying Mark insight.

"That it's not her we're fighting about anymore."

She smiled.

"Trust me. It's a hard thing for anyone to wrap their head around."

Mark nodded. It had always been easier for him than it had been for Derek, to talk about things like that, to say what he was feeling without fear of it backfiring.

"Do you want us to be fighting over you?" he asked.

Meredith look, with difficulty, into his eyes.

"Right now I want nothing more than to sit here with my best friend and feel like I'm going to start crying.

Mark nodded.

"Do I need to get Yang for you, or..?"

Meredith scoffed and scooted closer to him. His arm went around her and she automatically tilted her head onto his shoulder and nestled in closer.

* * *


	16. No One Here Can Make a Sound

Chapter Sixteen: No One Here Can Make a Sound

"Can't we stay here?"

"No. You have been moping for too long. They're just trying to be supportive."

Derek met Meredith's eyes in the mirror and pouted, but she laughed it off and continued with her makeup.

"Can we at least tell them we're living together? I hate coming up with lame excuses as to why we're constantly in cars together."

"I hate it too, but I think you'd hate it worse if you had a dent in your head."

Derek, imagining the reaction of Meredith's mother and stepfather, wondered which one would be more likely to deck him.

Meredith awkwardly dropped his gaze. She knew that Addison was suspicious of them, ever since they'd left together the day she'd arrived. She wondered if Addison had confronted Derek about it, and what she'd said, and she wondered most of all about whether what was going on between them really was just in her head.

They arrived together at the Webber's, delivered a lame excuse as to why they'd come together and sat down in the living room. Derek braced himself, prepared for the inevitable interrogation.

"So I hear you and your colleagues are quite the bunch of interns,"said Ellis. Meredith looked up, surprised to be addressed prior to Derek.

"I guess."

"Bailey's been telling me that you've been getting into all kinds of trouble," agreed Richard.

"Did she tell you as her boss or as my stepdad?" asked Meredith curiously. Richard laughed.

"So have Izzie and George moved into the house yet?" he asked.

"No. They're living with Alex Karev," she said awkwardly. Richard frowned.

"He's trouble, that one. Did something happen? Was there a falling out?" he asked in surprise.

"We just didn't want to do it anymore. I lived with George for eight years."

Derek glanced sideways at her, wondering again if anything had ever come of this.

"That's true. Oh, the door," said Richard, starting slightly when it rang. He continued to converse with Derek and Meredith while Ellis went to answer it, and none of them reacted while Ellis began to talk animatedly to the person who had rung and then led them back to the living room.

When Ellis appeared again, Derek's hand instantly moved across the sofa to grasp Meredith's hand, but she was no longer surprised as she once had been.

"Addison!"

Sammie jumped up to hug her. Addison smiled and put her arms around the seventeen year old, before looking toward Derek on the couch in expectation.

"What is she doing here?" demanded Derek.

"She's your wife, Derek," said Ellis patiently.

"No she's not."

"What, you've had counseling?"

"We've had adultery. It was enough. Is Mark coming too? Because this night just isn't fun enough."

"Derek..." this time it was Addison who spoke.

"Don't."

Ellis and Richard exchanged significant glances, both afraid that they'd made the wrong decision.

"Is this an intervention?" demanded Derek.

"Come on, Derek. We have to talk about this," said Addison.

"We have nothing to talk about."

"People do desperate things when they're..."

"Don't, Addison. Don't you dare try to qualify this. He was my best friend. And you..." He stood up, pulling Meredith with him. Addison's eyebrows raised in curiosity, but she said nothing. "Come on, Meredith. We're leaving."

By this time Meredith wasn't sure if he was holding her hand because he needed support or if he just wanted to stick it to Addison, but she didn't care to discuss it.

They left, ignoring the plees of all three as they did so.

"Are you okay?"she asked cautiously. He dropped her hand and made a noise of frustration.

"No, Meredith, I'm not okay. I'm not ready for this. I can't handle her being here right now. I can't handle her, and I can't handle Mark. I can't be DerekandAddison right now. Right now I'm just being Derek."

She smiled sympathetically, wishing she could bring herself to hate Mark more, wishing she could hate him as much as she found herself hating Addison.

"I have an idea."

"What?"

"It involves a great deal of alcohol and no one who cares if you get back together with Addison," she explained. He smiled.

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

Meredith's eyes swept Joe's Bar as soon as they arrived, ensuring that neither Mark nor any of the interns were present. They sat down at the bar. 

"You were just here, weren't you? With Mark?"

"Without the alcohol."

"You went home with him sober?"

Meredith frowned, wishing she didn't have to discuss it with him.

"I locked my car keys in my car. Derek, nothing..."

"Happened. I know."

She drummed her fingers along the bar, doubting that he really believed her.

"Do you ever miss the old days?" he asked.

"What, when I was seven and you guys would come over and hang out with me? When I was in my teens and you threatened every boy who ever showed an interest in me?" she paused. "All the time. You?"

"I don't think you ever realized how much you mean to Mark and me. We used to talk about you all the time. We loved how much you looked up to us, loved spending time with us. You brought us closer together, you made all of us a family. You were like..."

"A little sister?" she suggested. She wished she could explain to him how much it had all meant to her.

"I used to think so."

He didn't continue, instead Joe served them and they toasted before drowning their shots.

* * *

Derek watched in amusement as Meredith drowned another shot of tequila. 

"You're drunk," he said accusingly.

"How are you _not_ drunk?" she asked.

"I'm twice your size and have drunk half as much. Come on, let's go home."

"You know, usually this would be the time I would be hooking up with one of the guys here," she said, her words slurring. He winced.

"I didn't need to know that."

He offered her hand as she slipped awkwardly off the stool and stumbled toward the door.

She nodded off several times in the car, but when they stopped in front of the house she jerked awake again.

"You okay?" he asked. She nodded hazily.

"Wasn't the point for you to get drunk?" she asked.

"Seems to come easier to you."

He walked over to her side of the car and opened her door. They walked together to the front door.

Meredith made to walk forward when they reached the front steps, but walked directly into the first one and backed off, limping slightly.

"Stairs are too hard. Can I sleep out here?" she asked. He laughed.

"Sorry, no. Come on, we'll do it together," he said enticingly. She shook her head again. He put her arm around his shoulder and helped her reluctant body up the porch stairs, only allowing her to trip one more time.

"Here. Now we're inside and I can sleep on the sofa," she said sleepily. He laughed, but knew that he couldn't leave her alone downstairs and also that she wouldn't make it up another flight of stairs.

Hoping she wouldn't remember any of this in the morning, he walked toward her and lifted her into his arms. She put his arms around his neck as he walked up the stairs and into her bedroom.

She smiled at him when he put her down on the bed.

"You're such a nice guy, Derek," she said hazily.

"You're nice, too."

"I love you. Did I ever tell you that I love you?"

"Plenty of times. I love you, too."

She smiled, her eyes already closing. Derek gently brushed a lock of blonde hair out of her face and watched her for a moment. Amazingly, he wasn't bothered by Addison right then. He was all there, with her.

He lay down next to her, after removing her shoes, telling himself that he'd move away to his own bed as soon as she fell asleep.

* * *

Footsteps came up the stairs. Derek, even in his half asleep state, knew these footsteps. Something about the length between steps, the weight on each foot, was something he'd always known without every knowing he'd known it. 

He began to drift back to sleep, to tired to realize that the idea of someone else in the house was entirely wrong. By the time the door opened, and one of the familiar feet stepped in, followed by a face he knew as well as his own, he was asleep enough that by the time he woke up again, he'd wonder whether or not it was a dream.

* * *

Author's note: Patience, people. I meant the coupleS that I stated in the summary. Thanks for reviewing! 


	17. See In All Direction at the Same Time

Chapter Seventeen: See In All Directions at the Same Time

Derek slowly awoke, confused by something he couldn't place until he opened his eyes.

Then he realized what it was.

It was that for the first time in over ten years, he was waking up next to a woman who wasn't Addison. A woman he was spooned up against-he and Addison had been married for long enough to have given up on spooning. He didn't think, even briefly, that this was Addison.

He took a deep breath, filled himself with the lavender smell of her hair before letting reality sink in.

Her back was pressed up to his stomach, his arm was thrown over her and holding her hand in his as she slept. It was a position he'd never assumed with Addison, but one that he'd sunk naturally into with Meredith.

She awoke slowly. He felt a sense of regret when she stiffened against him and pulled away, rolled around to face him.

"Hey."

He watched as comprehension slowly dawned on her.

"This has been happening too often to me lately," she said. She smiled at the alarmed look on his face. "Mark slept on the floor."

"I was hoping he had."

"I don't remember the last time I woke up with a boy like that."

A moment after she spoke, she seemed to regret her words.

She got up and swung her feet around to the floor so that her back was facing him. She stood slowly, shakily.

"The tequila?" he asked. She turned her head to smile at him.

"I just need coffee. I'll be fine."

He slowly rose up in bed, watching as she walked quickly out of the room. He didn't know what was most alarming-that he'd held her, and wanted to do more of it, or that he'd held her, and she seemed to want less.

* * *

When Mark Sloan awoke that morning, the first thing he saw were the horizontal wooden slats of the bunk bed above him. He realized he was wearing the same jeans that he'd been wearing the day before, but had taken off his shirt. 

"Mark?"

His name came back to him again, and he realized how he'd awoken. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched as Addison Shepherd slowly entered the room, looking cautious but decided.

"Hey Addie," he said sleepily. He began to drift back to sleep. It struck him as odd, that the sight of her wasn't enough to keep him awake anymore.

"Mark."

She walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bunk bed. He noticed she was fully made up, her red hair was shining, her outfit as immaculate as she was. Clearly the hospital was already alive and awake.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. She placed a nervous hand on his muscled abdomen.

"Funny, I would have thought it was obvious," she said, laughing slightly as she leaned toward him.

He reacted in surprise as she kissed him, instantly kissing her back because he couldn't help but do so. She slowly eased herself onto his body and waited for the familiar sense of peace that being with him brought her.

"Damnit Addison, what the hell are you doing?" he asked, pulling away from her.

"What, because you weren't doing it too?"

"Well I'm not now. You came back here to be with Derek," he reminded her. She slowly climbed off of him to sit on the bed again.

"It's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to be with me."

"What do you mean?"

Addison stared at him, contemplating her options. She quickly decided that although he was not technically a reliable secret keeper, she had talked to him about everything for years, before they had become lovers.

"I went over there this morning. I just needed to talk to him. His door was open. We were married for nine years, I thought it didn't matter."

Mark frowned, realizing what Addison meant by her speech.

"You saw Meredith there, didn't you?" he asked.

"You knew?"

"About them living together? Yeah."

"I don't mean that I saw her. I meant that I saw them. They were.. together. In her bed. He had his arms around her."

She stared as Mark's face fell, not into pity for her, but into genuine sadness for himself.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Addison, there's something you need to understand."

"Don't tell me you two haven't gotten over your desire to protect Meredith Grey from the big bad world," said Addison in amazement.

"It's not like that anymore. It's different."

Realization dawned on Addison.

"Are you sleeping with her?"

Mark shook his head in an instant denial.

"Things are changing," he said simply.

Addison ran into the hall, still confused, uncomprehending and destructive. She strode past Ellis, who called out to her, past a group of interns that included Meredith, looking carefree and blonde and so very young, and finally to Derek, standing in front of the Board with Preston Burke, who left as soon as he realized what was about to take place.

"Addison," said Derek curtly. He moved to walk away.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked calmly. He sighed before following her to a more secluded corner.

"What is it? If you're here to confront me about abandoning you last night at the Webber's..."

"I'm not. It's about this morning."

Derek stared at her for a moment before he understood: the footsteps on the stairs, the face in the doorway.

"You saw us."

"What _did_ I see, Derek?"

He sighed impatiently.

"Nothing. You saw nothing. Two old friends who are helping each other through a rough time. Don't make it into something that this isn't."

"God, look at you, Derek. I've never seen you like this. You're practically crying out for her."

"Stop."

"I really did used to believe that she was nothing more than a little sister to either of you but now... I've seen you look at her, how you can't let go of her. Everyone's seen. You're infatuated with her."

Something about this word struck a cord with him-that it did not quite mean love, but somehow meant it was more powerful than him, that he couldn't possibly stop it.

He stared at her, willing a response to come to his lips. He wished somehow that there was one to be had that could prevent them both from being hurt and learning things they didn't want to know.

* * *

As the elevator doors began to close, Derek Shepherd stuck his elbow between them causing them to open for him. He stepped inside as they closed again, and he realized in surprise that he was alone in the small space with only one other person. 

"I heard about what happened with Addison. Are you okay?" asked Meredith.

Derek looked at her, suddenly seized with an overwhelming longing to tell her everything, from his conversation to Addison to every confusing feeling he'd felt for her ever since he'd come to Seattle.

"It was difficult," he said slowly.

"What did she say?" asked Meredith. She watched as the glowing number above the closed elevator door switched from a three to a four.

Derek paused, studied her profile, the eyes that were carefully avoiding him.

"She said that I was infatuated with you," he said. Meredith took her eyes off the numbers and turned her head to face Derek.

"Then what did you say?" she asked softly.

"I said that I thought maybe I was. Infatuated. With you."

"Derek..."

He moved toward her, reached up to touch her face, but they broke apart before they could reach other when the bell dinged, and the elevator stopped, and the doors opened, and the world outside came back in to join them.

* * *

Author's note: In case you were wondering, I'm so not planning to have any real Mark/Addison or Addison/Derek. This is more about exploring the mer/der/mark triangle. Much more fun. 


	18. Take My Arms That I Might Reach You

Chapter Eighteen: Take My Arms That I Might Reach You

Meredith left the elevator, ignoring Derek's vain attempt to call after her, and ran down to the empty hallway. She collapsed on an abandoned bed, breathless and overwhelmed. 

"What's wrong with you?"

She tilted her head upwards to meet the dark, confused eyes of Cristina Yang. Suddenly, despite their deepening friendship, she was overcome with a desire to talk about it with someone who knew the story-George, Izzie, especially Mark, who she could never talk about it with.

Cristina dropped onto the bed beside her.

"Come on. Tell me."

They'd had a _moment_, thought Meredith in astonishment, her head still reeling. A genuine moment, in which he confessed the very thing that she'd always felt for him, the very thing she'd thought had been growing between them. He had Addison back, but he'd chosen her. Or, at least, opened up the possibility of it.

"Is it a McDreamy thing?" persisted Cristina. Meredith nodded. "Are you going to make me guess?"

"Why do you care so much?" she demanded.

"This is how we're supposed to talk. There's a rumour floating around that Sloan and Addison went at it in one of the on call rooms," said Cristina matter-of-factly.

"God, Addison knows. She must have told Mark. I can't believe Mark knows..."

"Knows _what?_"

Meredith could already tell what Cristina was expecting-a sordid tale of sex and scandal. She almost wished she had one to tell.

"I don't know. Nothing. We went to Joe's last night and he took me home and put me to bed, I guess, and he stayed with me. And we woke up all cuddly. And know apparently the whole hospital knows."

Cristina nodded.

"I'm not going to pretend like I understand anything like the whole story. All I see is that two hot, rich surgeons want nothing more than to have fist fights in your honour," said Cristina.

"I would like to think that they wanted _me_ more than they wanted to hurt each other,"s he said pitifully.

"God, you're actually falling for him, aren't you? This isn't just a childhood crush anymore, you actually _care." _She paused to watch Meredith wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "And you're living with him to watch while he breaks his heart about his wife. What are you, a glutton for punishment?"

"They're going to get back together, aren't they? They're going to get back together and have beautiful babies and it'll be awkward every Thanksgiving from now 'til forever because he told me once he was infatuated with me?" she demanded.

"Infatuated?"

"Infatuated. It's a good word, isn't it?"

Cristina nodded, looking taken aback. Encouraged by her silence, Meredith hastily changed the subject.

"So there's been a lot of rumours about you, lately, in the on-call room," she said.

Cristina laughed in disbelief.

"Oh, you wish."

"What do I wish?"

"To live your sex life vicariously though me. I don't feel _that _bad for you. Come on, we're missing surgeries."

* * *

Izzie Stevens wandered through the hospital in annoyance, trying to avoid coming up with other things she would prefer to do right then, over being forced to search the halls for Mark Sloan, who wasn't a permanent member of the staff and refused to answer his pager. She was also annoyed that Bailey had sent her and not Alex, who was an ass all the time, nor George, who was just doing paper work, not Meredith, who Bailey was doing her best to keep away from both Mark and Derek. 

"Hey."

Izzie glared at Alex when he fell into step beside her. He hadn't returned home the night before and she hadn't had the chance to freeze him out yet.

"What'd I do now?"

"You told George about Derek and Meredith," she said accusingly.

"Why were we keeping it from Bambi? He's a big boy, he can handle himself."

Izzie groaned in frustration.

"Look, there's a line, okay? And it's called the Meredith Line and all it means is that we pretend like Meredith doesn't sleep with other boys or kiss other boys or love other boys. And we have this line because she's already put him through enough."

"You know, I used to think that all of this was just George trying to look out for her but that isn't it, is it? Because he doesn't seem to care the same way to look out for you."

Izzie ignored him as she opened the door to another on call room and saw Mark Sloan, sleeping shirtless on a bottom bunk.

"Dr. Sloan?" she called out. He got up quickly, instantly alert. He looked up and met her eyes, and she blushed.

"Dr. Stevens."

Somehow, his eyes make her think that he is imagining her as naked as he is.

"Bailey sent me to find you. There was a fire downtown, they need you to look at some of the burn victims," she said. He nodded. She glanced over her shoulder in relief to find that Alex had already gone.

He got up and pulled his navy scrub top over his chest. She stood to the side of the door to let him pass, and he stopped to smile charmingly as he did so.

"Next time you come here to see me, I hope it isn't about burns," he said flirtatiously. She nodded, flustered.

Mark strode out ahead of her, not waiting for her to follow him. Not so deep down, he knew flirting with interns was a bad idea. He didn't include Meredith in this list. Meredith had been known to him long before she'd been an intern. Like how he'd been attracted to Addison long before she'd been Derek's wife.

He reflected how ironic it was, that he'd finally turned Addison away. That when her voice had awoken him, he'd hoped it was Meredith before anything else had occurred to him.

He angrily reasoned with himself that Derek had no right to be angry with him: he'd expressed interest in her long before Derek had. He'd noticed she was a woman when Derek had still seen her as a child.

She suddenly showed up in front of him and for a second, before he could process his thoughts, he was happy to see her, for the simple reason that he always was. Then anger clouded his judgment: that she'd slept with Derek, that she'd chosen Derek over him.

"What is it?" he asked harshly.

"I just wanted to talk to you," she said in surprise. He resisted the urge to grab her and to kiss her, like he wanted to. Their kiss had been a good kiss, but it had taught her nothing.

"Go talk to Derek, Meredith."

* * *

Meredith went home that night with the express intention of talking to Derek, but he didn't arrive all night. She wondered vaguely if he was with Addison, or if he'd regretted his admission to her enough to spend the night at his trailer. 

She considered going to Joe's, not to look for him but to look for someone else, someone who could held her to feel unattached again.

Something else, a stronger force inside of her, knew it was a bad idea.

Instead she lay down on bed beside Doc, where they'd laid together, and hoped he was as confused and overwhelmed as she was.

* * *

"You look like crap." 

Meredith glared at Cristina who had arrived at the hospital earlier than the rest of them, as she always did.

"You don't ever leave here, do you?" she demanded. Cristina smirked.

"Why do you bother to go home if you don't actually sleep there?" she asked. Cristina opened her mouth again, but Meredith stopped her.

"Don't say it. Don't you think that if I spent all night having sex I'd at least look happier?"

Cristina smirked as the rest of the interns filed in, followed by Miranda Bailey, who gave them their marching orders before leaving again.

Meredith glanced at her reflection in a mirror as she passed. She fished into her scrubs to find her new lip gloss, and covered her lips with it and ran her hands through her hair.

At the far end of the corridor, Derek Shepherd was getting into an elevator while several others piled up. She upped her steps to a run, and sprinted to the closing door. She stuck her hand into it as he'd done the day before, and slid in to the otherwise empty space.

"Meredith."

She looked hopefully at him, wishing he'd speak to make this easier. It was his turn, after all. He'd started all of this.

"You didn't come home last night," she said, trying to keep the accusation out of her tone.

"I had some thinking to do."

"I thought maybe you'd been with Addison."

She carefully kept her eyes ahead of her, not letting herself look into his.

"Definitely not."

She smiled, but not to him.

"Doc and I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

She sighed in frustration.

"Are we going to do this forever? What did you mean, Der?"

"I meant what I said."

She could no longer keep her gaze ahead, and turned to him. His eyes were darker but somehow soft, drawing her in.

"You can't."

"Things are changing, Mer."

"Stop looking at me like that," she demanded.

"Like what?"

"Like you're about to kiss me," she explained. He didn't move toward her, as he'd done the day before, but his eyes beckoned her closer. Taking a deep breath, she took two steps toward him, dropping the charts she'd been carrying in the process.

Derek responded in surprise for only a second, before putting his arms around her and pulling her in close to him. She slowly opened her mouth and let her senses take over.

He turned them around so that her back was to the wall of the elevator and she was pressed in between it and him.

His body was hard and warm and aching for her. She found herself latching on to him just as tightly, her body reacting with satisfaction as he kissed her neck and leaned over to pull the emergency stop button on the elevator.

Derek pulled away and she slowly opened her eyes, feeling confused and hazy.

With his eyes, he asked her, _Do you really want to do this_?

And with her eyes, she gave him permission.

* * *

Author's note: NO, they do not sleep together on the elevator... What a dirty mind you have. 


	19. Supposed To Be

Chapter Nineteen: Supposed To Be

After several long minutes they broke apart, breathing heavily. Derek went in for one more long kiss before distancing himself from her, panic starting to dawn on his face.

She leaned against the wall of the elevator again, that which she now realized was cold and bumpy. Her body temperature rapidly cooled and she shivered. She wrapped her thin arms around herself and waited for him to speak.

"That was..." Meredith attempted to piece together her thoughts. She thought guiltily of Mark. He had predicted this. A week ago, and also ten years ago. Fifteen years ago. Forever ago.

"I haven't kissed like that in a while."

She glanced down at her feet and smiled. She wished that Derek was just a normal boy, not her surrogate, married big brother. Somehow she felt that in the space of a few short months, she'd effectively ruined her relationships with both her "big brothers."

She frowned slightly, thinking of Addison, who was somewhere in the hospital, not so patiently waiting for her husband to come back to her. Her husband, who was locked in an elevator with a blonde intern.

"Please tell me you're not thinking of Mark," he said. She shook her head.

"No. Addison."

She was lying, a little, but it worked anyway.

Derek frowned as well, and slowly reached backward to restart the elevator. Meredith's stomach turned over as it did so and began to ascend again.

When the elevator had finally fallen to the bottom floor, he grabbed her just before the doors opened, pulled her in, and kissed her one final time. She let out a noise of half confusion, half frustration as he left the elevator when it opened, leaving her alone to pick up her charts.

* * *

Cristina Yang was busy in an otherwise empty bathroom, emptying her stomach into one of the toilets. 

She was still when the door opened, hoping that she would be able to stop or that whoever had entered would be a patient who would be expecting people in hospitals to throw up.

The person went to the sinks and turned on a tap. Cristina heard splashing water before she again leaned toward the toilet basin.

"You okay?" came a voice.

Meredith's.

"I'm good," she replied neutrally.

"Cristina?" Meredith walked over to the bathroom stall and banged loudly on it. Cristina reluctantly opened the door and looked down guiltily at Meredith's suspicious expression, her arms crossed over her light blue scrubs.

"I'm sick," she said defensively.

"You've been sick for a while. You've also been refusing to get examined for a while."

"So?"

"I'm just saying."

Cristina turned around suddenly to once again empty her stomach. She felt Meredith's hands, smoothing her hair away from her face and holding it.

The interruption didn't faze her.

"For God's sakes, Cris, I _am_ a Doctor."

Satisfied that nothing more was going to come up, Cristina walked to the sinks and splashed cold water over her face.

"Look, if I don't ask about the hickey on your neck will you leave me alone?" she demanded. Meredith shrugged, unfazed.

"I was making out in an elevator. Now you go."

"McDreamy?" asked Cristina curiously. Meredith nodded. "Fine."

Meredith waited through an unnecessary silence: she knew exactly what Cristina was about to tell her.

"Fine. I'm pregnant."

Meredith nodded and sunk down to the bathroom floor, secretly glad that that there was drama to be dealt with besides her own.

"Who've you been sleeping with?" she asked.

"It's not important."

"You know, I'm guessing he'd think so."

Cristina fell silent, refusing to meet Meredith's eyes.

"If you're not going to talk to me, why'd you bother to tell me?" she asked.

"I made an appointment with the clinic. I called yesterday but they wouldn't let me confirm unless I gave them a person, someone to take care of me if I need it after they're done," she explained slowly. "So I gave them yours."

Meredith smiled.

"I'm your person?" she asked.

Cristina nodded.

"Yeah. You're my person."

* * *

Derek Shepherd collapsed onto the sofa in his office, overwhelmed and completely incapable of dealing with the situation at hand. 

His first wish was that he could talk to Meredith. He hadn't realized the full extent of how much he valued her-how much he needed to talk to her about everything, from his anger at Mark and Addison to the petty details of his life. He enjoyed living with her in the way he'd once enjoyed living with Addison, before it had become mundane. He was beginning to want her with a fiercer passion than he'd ever wanted Addison.

Was it because Meredith Grey was so very unattainable?

He groaned, suddenly understand why he'd been so angry at Mark, beyond the simple reason that he'd been protective of her since she was a child. It was no longer brotherlike protectiviness, it was so much more complicated. It was because he wanted her for himself, and couldn't stand the thought of Mark with his hands all over her.

He forced himself to realize the incredible that he'd just kissed her. Meredith, who he'd babysat, who had sobbed on his shoulder, who had been the first person to really need him.

Derek was glad that nobody expected anything of him right then, that Addison was staying away, that Mark wasn't around to bug him, that Richard and Ellis hadn't caught on and that Meredith didn't yet feel the need to analyze what had happened.

Out of fear, he hadn't returned home last night. He was guessing that if he stayed away again, she wouldn't be willing to give him the time he needed, to think.

* * *

Meredith walked down the hall quickly, glad that Derek was avoiding her and that Cristina's drama had taken her mind off of her own. Now all she need was to avoid Addison, and to avoid... 

"Mark."

He ignored her, kept walking.

"You're being ridiculous, you get that? You've been my friend and we've told each other things since I was a teenager and you can't handle the fact that I'm getting something I've always wanted."

Mark turned around at this, grabbed her elbow and dragged her into a supply closet, suddenly looking angry.

"Do you really think that's what it is? That I just don't want you to be happy because I'm not?" he demanded.

She nodded, looking nervous.

"I thought you knew me, Mer."

He paused.

"Didn't you ever wonder if it was because I wanted you for myself?" Mark let these words take hold of her, and she briefly wondered if he was going to kiss her, and what she would feel if he did.

"Mark, don't," she said, her tone not even convincing herself.

"It's okay. I won't."

"Won't what?"

"Do this. I'm giving you up."

"Because of Derek?"

"No. If I thought I had a chance, I wouldn't let Derek get in my way. I wouldn't sacrifice this for my friendship with him. It's because of you. I'm not about to get in the way of you being happy, no matter how much I want you to. If you want Derek, and you always have, I'm going to let it go."

He waited, as if he wanted her to deny it and tell him that she didn't want Derek after all, but she said nothing. She nodded.

"Don't let go of me all the way. I'm always going to want you in my life, Mark," she said. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, letting his lips linger.

"Not as much as I'm going to want you."

"Stop it. Stop making this so hard. Derek hasn't even chosen me, I don't know why..."

"Because he will, Meredith. He'll choose you, he'll marry you, you'll have kids with him. I'm not that guy. You deserve that guy."

She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her head on his chest.

"This wasn't supposed to end like this. Neither of you are supposed to want me like that."

"It's been in the works for a while."

She reluctantly pulled away from him and lightly kissed his cheek.

"Are you going to go after Addison?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No. Kind of been played to death. It's time for me to move on."

If Meredith couldn't see him so plainly in front of her, hadn't felt him in her arms only moments before, she would have believed that she was dreaming. This was so wrong, Mark being noble, Derek wanting her. She wondered, if she had been able to let go of her childlike fantasies with Derek, if she'd be able to let go off Mark like she was doing.

He considered kissing her, to test the waters, to see if his sacrifice was in vain, but backed off quickly. It terrified him to be attracted to Meredith. It wasn't so scary with Addison, who was married to someone else. Meredith was technically single, and even made sense for him. This was why he had to make sure he didn't fall harder for her.

"See you around, Mer Bear."

She smiled and left, wondering what was waiting for her at home and wondering what she truly wanted: to go ahead into the future, with Mark, or to go backwards in time with Derek.

* * *

"You called for a consult?" 

Derek met the eyes of his wife with difficulty, thinking guiltily and longingly of his tryst in the elevator with Meredith.

"We need to talk, Derek."

"Talk? Or are you just going to talk at me some more?" he asked.

She sighed.

"It's not easy for me to see you with Meredith. But I can understand..."

"Don't make it about you."

"Look, I'm sorry, Derek! I am so, so sorry. If I could take it back I would. But I can't. All I can do is ask you to take _me _back."

Derek's mind switched again to the elevator. And to the town house, where Meredith was probably already waiting, where he could go to tease her about her choice of breakfast food or play with Doc or just talk to her about his day. He was starting to realize that this was the easier option, and the one he wanted more, but not the one he could live with.

"Come on, we can make this work. We can get a place here. Start over."

"Fine. But I'm not moving out."

"What?"

"I have a place."

Addison stared at him incredulously.

"You expect me to try to make my marriage work in the house of your mistress?" she demanded.

"I don't expect you to do anything anymore. But it's where I'll be."


	20. Don't Take Your Life Away

Chapter Twenty: Don't Take Your Life Away

Meredith was sitting calmly at the kitchen table when Derek arrived home, her hands folded on in front of her, Doc sleeping at her feet, already dressed for bed but looking wide awake.

He walked into the kitchen, dropped his coat and his suitcase, but never took his eyes off her.

"Hey," she said casually. He nodded.

"Hey."

They stared at each other in silence, the tension palpable.

"Meredith..."

"Before you say anything." She slowly rose out of her seat. He noticed that she was wearing a white tank top and pink pajama bottoms, her blonde hair freshly washed around her shoulders. He had never seen her looking so young yet so old. "Can I just say one thing?"

He nodded slowly, and she walked over to where he was standing, by the counters. Without hesitation she pressed her lips on to his and he responded instantly. He lifted her to sit on the counter and stood between her legs, tangled his hands in her hair.

She broke away from and met his eyes.

"Now, Derek Shepherd, are you going to break my heart?"

* * *

"Hey Iz." 

Izzie slowly turned her head to meet George's eyes. He smiled sympathetically at her, noticing the obvious signs of having stayed up all night after being on-call.

"Long night?"

She nodded, looking distracted. He rested his elbows on the nurse's station in front of him, watching as Meredith entered the hall looking disheveled and rushed.

"You and Alex have fun without me?" she asked distractedly. George nodded before tearing his eyes away from Meredith.

"Izzie? looked up at him. "You're staring. What are you staring at?"

He glanced in the general direction that Izzie had been staring in, and was startled to see Mark Sloan, staring soulfully and predictably at Meredith.

"Seriously, Izzie?"

"What, George?"

"You're into McSteamy? That's just McWrong."

Izzie glared at him.

"I'm not in to McSteamy... Meredith would kill me."

"I know. I can't say much for your taste."

Izzie spared Mark one last longing glance before sighing and focusing her attention on George.

"Anyway, like you weren't totally checking out Meredith just now," she argued. George's face went slack. Izzie couldn't wait for the time that this would stop being painful and start being funny.

"She looks upset."

Izzie followed George's gaze and took in the sight of her.

"She's Meredith."

* * *

Meredith hurried down a hallway to answer a page, glad that the hospital was taking her mind off of the rest of her life. She found Preston Burke resting against the wall of the patient's room, looking like he'd been patiently waiting for quite a while. 

"Hi. Sorry, Dr. Burke," she said. He shook his head.

"I'll admit I have an ulterior motive. Walk with me, Dr. Grey?" he requested. She nodded, looking confused.

She walked, staring down at her shoes as she did so. She remembered a time, not so long ago, when she'd run around the place as if she'd owned it, and looked down to lowly residents such as the then rising star, Preston Burke, as if he were nothing. Now it couldn't be more different.

"Please understand that I know what a difficult position this puts you in, and were it not that I felt the need for extreme circumstance, I would not ask."

She nodded, as confused as she'd been all along. He took this as a cue to move forward.

"It's about Cristina."

Meredith stopped in her tracks, suddenly able to put all of this together. It made so much sense-all along, it had vaguely occurred to her that Cristina wasn't sleeping with another intern-inter's never hogged the on-call rooms. Cristina had spent the first few weeks raving about the expertise of Burke, and then had abruptly stopped talking about it. She'd even been jealous about the petty gossip.

"Yeah?" she asked, recovering.

"I get the feeling I've been dumped," he admitted.

Meredith struggled to keep a straight face. Given Cristina's surprising announcement, her avoidance of him suddenly made sense.

"With Cristina, I doubt it's that simple."

He laughed.

"Any... advice?" he asked, looking reluctant.

"Does she know that you care enough to ask?" asked Meredith.

Burke waited for her to go on.

"You've got to make her listen. Otherwise she'll pretend like she doesn't want to hear."

Burke nodded and smiled at her before abruptly departing. Meredith doubted that his intent was to talk to Cristina right then, but also doubted that he was any more comfortable with the situation than she was.

Meredith considered how very surprising it was, that law abiding, uptight Cristina was breaking a legitimate hospital rule for no reason besides her desires. If she had been doing it to further her surgeries, everyone would know about it by now.

She saw Addison coming down the hall toward her and quickly dodged into the back staircase. Right then, Addison couldn't be forgiven for being a Shepherd.

* * *

She wanted to go home. She wanted to make out on the counter tops, she wanted to leave the hospital, she wanted to sleep. 

She didn't want to be at home with Addison's Derek, she wanted Her Derek.

In theory they were one and the same, but in concept they were totally different. Addison's Derek was subdued, he was loyal, he was a good husband. He shaved every morning and lived in an apartment overlooking Central Park.

Her Derek wanted _her_. He lived in a trailer because he wanted to live a little. He lived with her because she knew him better. He ate the muesli and mocked the leftover pizza.

Meredith shook her head and mocked herself for being such a girl.

* * *

She drove home slowly, dreading the sight she knew would greet her. 

Meredith was confronted by Addison before Derek could reach her.

"Hey, Meredith," she said, obviously trying to hold up a false sense of calm. "Derek cleared this with you, right?"

Meredith nodded with difficulty.

"This is kind of awkward," she said. Meredith nodded again, refusing to set her mind at ease, to let her know that she really wasn't intruding on anything at all, was only intruding on what could have been.

Derek had heard them, and ran downstairs. His eyes lingered on Meredith before transferring to Addison.

"Honey I'm just moving my stuff in, which is your bedroom?" asked Addison, looking between them. Derek's eyes snapped back to her.

"The spare room is at the end of the hall."

She nodded, looking crushed. Meredith walked past her and up the stairs. Noting that Addison had looked away Derek's hand caught her's as she passed, and he met her eyes urgently, searching desperately for feeling, for longing. She pulled her hand out of his and walked away from them to her room and tried her best to shut it all out.

* * *

Author's note: I understand if you all hate me right now. Sorry about that.

Also sorry about the recent lack of Mer/Mark, I'm going to work on that.


	21. Failure's Always Sounded Better

Chapter Twenty-One: Failure's Always Sounded Better

Meredith shuffled downstairs to the kitchen early the next morning, dressed in her scrub bottoms and a elbow length t-shirt, her hair messily falling to her shoulders and her face almost void of make up. Derek smiled when he saw her.

"Hey."

She went immediately for the coffee machine.

"You know if you weren't going to speak to me, you might as well have just kicked me out."

"Us out. You're not a "you" anymore."

He nodded, and stood to face her.

"I'm still just me. I'm giving her a chance because she's my family, Meredith. But you're my family too."

She nodded, and didn't protest when he put his hand on her face and leaned in closer.

"Well, isn't this cozy? Coffee ready?"

Meredith guiltily sprung away and looked over her shoulder at Addison, who was dressed immaculately in one of her designer suits, wearing heels, her face already made up perfectly and her hair curling loosely to her shoulder. Meredith touched her own hair and frowned slightly, remembered that she hadn't cleaned the scrubs she was wearing.

Addison walked to the cupboard and pulled out a mug, refusing to let herself be bothered by the scene she'd been greeted with.

"Where's the dog?" she asked casually. "I haven't seen him since I got here."

Meredith and Derek met eyes and frowned.

"He hasn't been around much. Maybe he's sick," said Meredith in concern.

"We could take him to the vet."

She nodded in agreement.

"Oh, and I think it's my turn to shop. You need anything? Detergent? Deodorant? Tampons?" he suggested unblushingly.

"No, I have everything. Remember your blue shirt is at the dry cleaner's," she reminded him. Derek nodded.

"Right, thanks. We'll go to the vet after work, your shift ends at seven?" he asked. She nodded and they both stood to walk out to the garage. Derek stopped abruptly when he realized that in the midst of their morning routine, they'd forgotten about Addison.

"Coming?" he asked, calling guiltily over his shoulder.

* * *

Miranda Bailey looked dismissively between her interns, already wary of the five of them, who were making more trouble than any intern was worth. 

"O'Malley and Karev, you're in the pit. Stevens, stick with me. Grey, you're with Shepherd..."

"Seriously? Are you sure, because I just saw him and..." Cristina elbowed Meredith and she wisely quieted.

"Her. Montgomery-Shepherd. Yes, Grey, I'm sure." She rolled her eyes. "Yang, Dr. Burke wants you to scrub in with him. He's waiting upstairs."

Still marveling at the cluelessness of Meredith, Cristina hurried off to find Preston Burke.

She discovered him staring straight ahead of him to the Surgery Board. She quickly scanned it, looking eagerly for the surgery she was to scrub in on.

"Surgery's not posted. Were you going to post it now?" she asked. He smiled down at her slightly.

"Dr. Yang, will you come this way?" he asked. She nodded in surprise and followed him to the back stairwell.

She took a deep breath, finally realizing that this had nothing to do with surgery, and also that sometimes she was fully capable of being as clueless as Meredith.

"Do we need to talk?" she asked him.

"You're avoiding me."

"It's not like we were in a relationship.

"Do you want to be?"

She shook her head emphatically, her hand automatically drifting to her stomach.

"Do you want to continue to do what we've been doing?" he asked.

"I don't know."

He walked toward her, tilted her head back and kissed her forcefully. Just as she deepened the kiss he broke away from her and began to walk toward the door.

She sighed.

"Burke!"

He stopped instantly and turned toward her.

"What?" he demanded.

He was a good person, she realized. He was perhaps arrogant and perhaps seduced interns, but he was a good person.

"I'm pregnant."

* * *

Meredith waited anxiously in the doorway of a hospital room, watching as Addison gave an ultrasound to a heavily pregnant woman. 

"Oh, Meredith. This is Dr. Grey, she's going to be assisting me with your surgery," she said to the woman. Meredith cautiously entered, and realized after a moment that there were two babies on the screen.

The two women walked outside to the hall.

"She's having twins. I brought her here because I'm going to have to perform a C-Section and both of them seem to have complications. It's hardly glamorous, but are you in?" she asked. Meredith nodded.

The two of them stopped sharply when Mark appeared out of the on-call room. He raised his eyebrows.

"What's going on?" he asked, looking at both of them, letting his eyes linger on Meredith.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd asked Dr. Bailey that I be assigned on her case," said Meredith.

Mark looked sharply to Addison.

"What are you doing, Addie?" he asked.

"Nothing. I've just been hearing that Dr. Grey is very talented. In every sense of the word."

Meredith suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.

Mark switched his gaze back to Meredith, looking sympathetic and concerned.

"You get that you don't have the right, don't you?" he asked, walking off.

* * *

Burke walked slowly back toward her, his expression both nervous and hopeful. 

"You know for sure?"

"I'm a Doctor," she said, scoffing. "Even Meredith guessed."

"Meredith knew? She didn't tell me."

"Why would she?"

He shook his head impatiently.

"I asked for advice."

"You what? Meredith is an idiot. She thinks she's in love with McDreamy. And not with McSteamy. I mean, come on. Why would you..."

"It doesn't matter," he said, cutting her off. "What are you going to do?"

"What do you _think_ I was going to do, Burke?" she demanded.

"Then why are you telling me?" He waited. "I can be there for you."

She rolled her eyes and turned away.

"I can. I could be a good father. I could be a... good husband."

The impact of this statement was enough for her to turn around.

"Seriously? You don't even know me."

"I want to know you."

She dropped onto the stairs. He slowly walked over to join her.

"I like children," he said.

"We both practically live here. The kid was conceived in an on call room, for God sakes!"

Burke put his elbows on his knees and rested his face in his hands.

"If you want to terminate it, I guess I can't stop you."

"I don't want to, Burke. I just don't see any other option."

He lifted his head out of his hands and turned to look at her, once again looking hopeful.

"Let me take care of you, Cristina."

* * *

Meredith followed Addison into the scrub room. She noted that the older woman was wearing her signature salmon pink scrubs and that her hair was covered by her cap, but was still wearing diamond studs in her ears. 

Addison finished first and watched as Meredith washed her hands.

"Do we need to talk?" she asked finally. Meredith look up.

"About what?"

"Derek."

Meredith's hands dropped to her sides.

"What has he told you?" she asked.

"Nothing. I can tell from looking at him."

"Then what is there to talk about?" she asked stiffly.

"I came her to get my husband back, Meredith. I regret what happened. If I could take it back, I would. You understand that, don't you?"

"You're asking me to not get in your way?"

"Do I need to?"

Meredith looked up and squarely met her eyes.

"Do you remember when I was younger, and the guys would try their best to protect me from everything? And then I got a little older and all they worried about protecting me from was boys. They did their best to make sure I didn't get my heart broken." She paused. "Now it's my turn to make sure he doesn't get his heart broken. I owe him that."

Addison nodded.

"I'm glad we understand each other."

Meredith nodded.

"Me too."

* * *

"I'm not ready to get married yet." 

Burke smiled.

"That's fine with me."

"And I don't want to give up my career. I'm not going to become an OBGYN because I have a family," she said sternly.

"I never imagined you would," he agreed.

He reached forward and placed a hand on her flat stomach.

"Fine, then we're a couple." She frowned. "Don't make such a big deal out of it."

He rolled his eyes in exasperation and suddenly and uncharacteristically she giggled and leaned up to kiss him.

* * *

Meredith watched as Derek led Doc out of the car and down the path to the door of the vet's office, which was in reality just a nice house slightly outside of the city limits. He smiled at her when he realized she was watching him. 

"I'm sure he'll be fine," said Derek.

Meredith nodded and fell into step beside him.

"I heard you worked with Addison today," he said lightly.

"She was trying to test the waters," she explained. "She really does love you, Der."

Derek's smile tightened.

"She's been trying to figure out if it really is a lost cause."

"So are a lot of us."

Derek knocked on the door and looked back to Meredith.

"Mer, I'm not giving up on..."

He stopped when he realized that she was no longer looking at him, but instead at the now open door.

"Finn?" she asked in surprise, her attention now focused on him.


	22. They Break Before They Bend

Chapter Twenty-Two: They Break Before They Bend

Izzie groaned when the door of the bathroom opened and Alex appeared, his arm around the redheaded nurse they'd all seen far too much of recently. She ignored them and walked in and began to brush her teeth.

She met George's eyes in the mirror when he walked in.

"What's wrong?" he asked. She frowned.

"Do you realize that Alex gets laid every single night? Most of the time with a different girl. Every night, George."

"I had, actually."

"It's been too long. You know why?" she asked him.

He shook his head, looking nervous.

"They're doers, George. Cristina, Alex, Meredith. They're all doing. Things happen to them. They get what they want because they go after it." George cringed, but she ignored him. "They do, and we just... watch. We need to become doers too. We can't just watch them live their lives. We have to have lives of our own."

George nodded, looking confused.

* * *

Addison raised an eyebrow when the two came in together, a faint flush on Meredith's face while Derek glared darkly. 

"How's Doc?" she asked.

"He's going to be fine," said Meredith, speaking when she realized that Derek would not.

Addison nodded, looking between them with thinly veiled interest. He was angry. She didn't know if this was a good thing or not.

The three of them arrived at the hospital together, but Meredith was immediately dragged off by Cristina.

She frowned, expecting what was about to come.

"You told Burke?" she demanded.

"I didn't say anything," she lied. Half lied.

"He talked to me. He acted like he knew."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to pretend like I'm sorry. You're pregnant. He deserves to know."

"He knows now."

Meredith nodded, guessing that it was now more about that than anything.

"Are you going to keep it?"

From the way that Cristian nodded, Meredith could tell that although Burke had convinced her, she had not entirely convinced herself.

"Wow."

Cristina nodded again, this time in agreement.

"Are you two going to move in together?" she pressed. Cristina shrugged and Meredith quickly interpreted the gesture: Burke wanted it, and Cristina wanted distance.

"Are you going to..."

"If you say "drop out of the program" I might have to karate-chop you," threatened Cristina.

Meredith laughed appreciatively.

"Have you decided yet on how you two are going to come out as a couple?" asked Meredith.

"No. He wants to talk to the Chief."

"Bad idea. You should just wait for the Formal and do it then, everyone gets drunk anyways," said Meredith lightly. Cristina looked up.

"Formal?"

"Oh, you didn't know? They do it every year at Chrismas. Doctors dressed up and acting like teenagers. George and I went when we were sixteen. Dad hates it but it's kind of like tradition," she explained.

"That sounds like... torture."

"It is," said Meredith, smiling.

"You look happy. Do you have a date?"

Meredith's smile looked wistful, but it did not fall.

"I think I'm going to."

* * *

"Hey Mer." 

Meredith immediately smiled at him, before pausing to remember whether or not she was mad at him. She realized almost instantly that she wasn't, it was just awkward because they had both decided to painfully deny whatever the hell was happening between them.

"Mark."

"Did Derek ask you to the dance?" he asked.

"Are you even invited? Do you actually work here?" she teased.

"Doesn't matter. Did he?"

"You do remember how Derek is married, don't you?" she asked.

"I was going to ask you to go with me, but apparently you already have a date."

Meredith looked sharply up at him, about to ask how he could possibly know, before she realized it was a stupid question. It was Mark. Mark just _knew_.

"I'm sure you can find someone to tag along with," she said. She caught his eyes and stared into them before forcing herself to look away.

"It's these kind of situations that I promised I'd try to avoid, right?" he asked. She shrugged.

"You're my best friend, Mark. You always have been."

Mark nodded, wondering if she was feeling as unfulfilled as she was.

Of course not, he told himself bitterly. She had her McDreamy.

Who, apparently, got whatever the hell he wanted.

* * *

"Addison? I was wondering if you could do me a favour?" 

Addison Shepherd turned around in surprise when she heard Preston Burke address her. She raised her eyebrows when she saw him, one of the interns standing awkwardly at his side. The one she'd always seen with Meredith.

"What can I do for you, Preston?" she asked.

Cristina looked away as Addison, who was the wife of her best friend's boyfriend but who didn't know her from a hole in the ground, rubbed cold, clear gel on her stomach as a smile played around her lips.

"You know, I had been hearing rumours," she joked. Cristina met Burke's eyes, who silently tried to placate her.

"Apparently it's impossible to do anything in this hospital without them," lamented Burke.

"Congratulations, by the way," she said. Burke walked to the table and took Cristina's hand.

"Does that mean everything is okay?" he asked nervously. Addison smiled and pointed to the machine.

"There's its head, and you can see how its spine is starting to straighten a little there. As far as I can tell, everything is absolutely fine," she said.

Cristina didn't think to protest as Burke lifted her hand to his lips. She watched the screen in interest and didn't notice when Addison excused herself.

She switched her gaze to Burke, who was watching it just as intently as she had been.

"It's kind of cool," she said inadequately.

"It's more than that."

She paused.

"Did we have to tell Addison?"

He smirked.

"We can trust her. I promise."

"You kind of acted in there like I wasn't just some intern you'd knocked up," said Cristina casually.

Burke chuckled and slowly released her hand.

"I very much look forward to getting to know you, Cristina Yang," he said earnestly.

She smiled.

He leaned down and kissed her lightly before calling Addison back in. She listened as he asked Addison anxious questions, questions that they both knew the answer to but questions he was bound to worry about.

He caught her eye and smiled at her again. She found herself blushing, and then found herself wondering why.

* * *

Mark walked slowly to his door, surprised by the late knock on his door. He opened it and stared in surprise at who had knocked. 

"Hey."

She walked in, wrapped her arms around his necks and kissed him. He reacted after only a moment of surprise and used one hand to slam the door shut before wrapping the other around her waist and pulling her across the room to the bed.

They fell on it together. He slid his hand through her blonde hair before reaching for the bottom of her shirt and tugging it off.

"Wait," he said, after another few minutes of passionate kissing. "What the hell are we doing here?"

"I haven't had sex in 104 days. I'm horny, I'm half naked and I'm saying yes. Want to take off your pants?" she asked. He stared at her in astonishment.

"Izzie..."

"I don't care if you're in love with Meredith. Or Addison, or whatever. I'm not exactly planning to fall in love with you," she said. He leaned in to kiss her again.

"Okay."

* * *

Author's note: Next chapter is "The Big One", and will more or less determine the overall pairings of this fic, with one notable exception. 

And I totally understand if some of you hate me right now.


	23. We're Going Backwards Now

Chapter Twenty-Three: We're Going Backwards Now

Izzie awoke instantly as soon as she rolled over, in a bed that was apparently not her own, and came into contact with another body.

She cringed as she looked down and realized she was not wearing her clothing, as well as several other telltale signs. Looking sideways, she confirmed that it was the man she would have liked most for a booty-call: Mark Sloan, wearing as little as she was.

Sh poked him hard in the ribs, and he awoke with a start. He looked at her with a mixture of apprehension and disappointment.

"Sorry I'm not smaller. Or... more red-haired," she said, half jokingly.

"Don't be. You're the hottest blonde I've had in my bed in a while."

She laughed in embarrassment.

"So I should go. I think I probably have a shift starting soon," she said. He nodded and watched her as she rose and looked around the floor for her discarded articles of clothing.

"Impressive though, I have to say."

She straightened and blushed, realizing he was looking at her naked body.

"Not what I meant. I mean, yeah, but last night. We were good."

"Yeah. You too," she agreed, pulling on the jeans she'd left work in.

She fastened her pink lace bra and smiled flirtatiously at him.

"Care for a repeat performance?" she asked. He sat up straighter in bed. "Not now. Work. Later, maybe."

He watched as she turned his back to him and tied her long blonde hair into a ponytail. She was nothing like Meredith, he considered. Or Addison. She worked at the hospital. She seemed to suspect that he was in love with Meredith, but it didn't seem to bother her.

"Izzie?" She turned to face him again. She had been glad, the night before, when he'd immediately known her name. "Do you want to go to the formal tonight with me?"

* * *

Addison smiled awkwardly at Derek when he arrived in the kitchen in the morning, glad he'd not come with Meredith and that the two of them were not currently speaking in their language of inside jokes and routines. 

"Good morning, Derek," she said smoothly, crossing one leg over the other and remembering the times when he'd actually _cared_ that they had no time alone together.

He looked up at her. She noted that his eyes were bloodshot, as if he'd stayed up longer than he should have.

"Morning, Addison."

He sat across from her with his muesli. She realized that he was more at home in this bizarre, arbitrarily decorated house than in their immaculate, fashionable home in New York.

Then she realized that she no longer wanted the love he'd had for her. She wanted, desperately, the love he had for Meredith.

She looked up at him and realized he was watching her.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"There's an event at the hospital tonight," he said.

"Uh, yeah. I hadn't planned to go."

"I'm under orders to."

She nodded and looked back down to the paper she'd been reading.

"Addison..." She looked up again. "Would you like to go with me?"

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" 

Burke laughed, waiting impatiently outside his bedroom door. He counted himself lucky that he'd managed to convince her to come over to change beforehand, even luckier that she'd finally consented to let everyone know.

"Better to tell everyone all at once," he said convincingly.

He held his breath in expectation when the door slowly opened. She appeared, dressed in a black, v-necked dress, her hair tied up. She remembered quickly that he'd never seen her outside of her scrubs. Except, of course, when she _had_ been outside of her scrubs.

"You look beautiful," he said honestly. She took an appreciate glance at his tux.

"You do too."

* * *

"Something has to be done about your taste." 

Izzie giggled as George disapprovingly watched her do her makeup in the bathroom mirror.

"Come on, have you _seen_ the guy?" she asked.

"Apparently not like you have."

She playfully glared at him in the mirror.

"At least he asked me out. Otherwise it just would have been awkward."

"It _is_ going to be awkward. Can you imagine what Meredith is going to do to you?" he asked desperately.

"He's not her property," said Izzie stubbornly. Both of them watched as Alex walked past the bathroom in his tux and rolled his eyes at them.

"You know, I bet he has a date."

"You should have asked Mer," said Izzie. George shook his head.

"She already has one."

Izzie nodded, wondering vaguely who it was, before catching sight of her reflection in the mirror and ceasing to care completely.

* * *

Burke has been right-when he entered the room with Cristina on his arm he saw the Chief looking at him with vague disapproval on his face, but neither man said anything. Burke nodded politely to him and Ellis before moving further into the room. 

Cristina smiled to herself at the sight of Izzie, in a dark pink ballgown, her hand in Mark's. Meredith hadn't arrived yet, but Derek and Addison were already together.

George had driven with Izzie, but had disappeared when she'd met up with Mark in the entrance of the hospital. He loitered awkwardly by the punch, watching the couples in vague interest.

"You look about the same as I feel," came a voice.

He turned to see the source of it and came face to face with a woman he'd seen around the hospital occasionally but never taken occasion of: a Latina girl whose dark curly hair was falling down her back and was wearing a long, dark dress. He smiled.

"My best friend's here with my college roommate's best friend. The same college roommate is about to appear and cause a renowned neurosurgeon to want to leave his wife. Cristina, apparently, is doing Preston Burke. To be honest, I'd much rather be at home."

The girl smiled at his speech and held out her hand.

"Hey. My name's Callie, and I'm so with you on that."

He took her hand."

"George."

Addison stood awkwardly beside her husband, wishing he'd notice how she looked in her dress, or that he'd notice she was there at all.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked hopefully.

"Maybe later," he said. She wondered vaguely if he was bothered by the presence of Mark at the dance. But Mark was accompanied by a blonde intern and had barely taken notice of them

She had hoped that it had been Mark, which was a more pleasant alternative, and not the more obvious one.

Addison looked back to him and noted that he was no longer glancing restlessly around the dance floor, he was looking in one specific direction.

With only one glance in the same direction as Derek, it became glaringly obvious why he had asked her to the dance.

Meredith Grey descended the stairs, one hand clutching the banister and the other self consciously holding the hem of her floor length, sparkling black gown. Addison jealously inspected her loosely curling blonde hair, her dangling silver earrings, how very young she looked. As she inspected her, Derek watched just as intently.

A moment later, Meredith was joined at the foot of the stairs by a tall man with dark blonde hair. Addison looked to Derek for recognition, but saw only anger.

The two of them walked over.

"Dr. Shepherd, hi. This is your wife?" he asked, holding out his hand.

"Uh, yeah. This is Addison. Hey Finn."

Addison quickly placed him as the vet.

Meredith looked down when Derek's intense gaze became too much for her. She looked over her shoulder to Mark, who was with Izzie. Suddenly her cheeks burned and she wanted nothing more than to run away. It was all too much.

She caught Izzie's gaze, who quickly looked away. Though she'd always known that Mark was Mark, it had never bothered her so much.

Finn led her away after they stood in silence for a few moments, and as a new song started he slid his hands around her waist, and she put her around his neck. She smiled up at him.

"Reminds me of homecoming," he said.

"Without the crowns and the pep. Thank God," she laughed.

"Yeah. Seems like a long time ago."

Meredith moved in closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Over it she could see that Derek and Addison had begun to dance.

And she could see that Derek was still watching her.

She met his eyes. They were bigger, somehow, full of emotion. Of pain, of happiness, she could not say. She attempted to listen to Finn talk about whatever it was he'd been talking about, but found herself too caught up in Derek's eyes to really take it in.

She teared her eyes away, but still could feel his on her. His eyes on her. It was a feeling she'd grown used to because they so rarely left.

She pulled away from Finn.

"You okay?" he asked in concern. She met his gaze and attempted to steady herself. He was nice. He was normal. He as not Derek, he was not Mark.

He saved her from having to make the choice.

The choice she'd already made, so long ago.

"Just warm. I'm going to go splash water on my face."

She left. Moments later, Derek made a similar excuse and went after her.

Mark watched them, watched the scene unfold before his eyes exactly as he'd predicted. He looked down at Izzie, pulled her to a secluded corner and told himself over and over that he didn't care.

Addison smiled to herself, glad she'd at least gotten him to dance with her and looked around the room. She would have gone to talk to Ellis and Richard, but they were dancing. Talking, laughing, and dancing, looking as if they never ran out of things to talk and laugh about. She remembered wanting to grow old together like they had.

Mark and his date had disappeared, she realized with a bitter smile. She was not surprised. Preston and the girl he'd knocked up were talking and ignoring the curious stares around them. Even Meredith's baby faced friend, George, was dancing with a resident.

She arrived at the punch table and smiled vaguely at the intern across from her.

"Hi. It's Karev, right?"

He smiled a smile that she instantly categorized as smarmy.

"Alex," he said, holding out a hand.

"Nice to meet you. I'm new, too."

He nodded vaguely glanced around the room as she'd just done.

"You bored? I can't believe the hospital made us come here."

She burst into laugher, surprised by the honesty that had come out of the mouth of an intern that she'd already branded as a suck up.

"You're very right. Guess they figure we don't get to see each other enough during the rest of the week."

"Please. I live with two interns, and I unfortunately know the life stories of the two others with lockers next to mine. We should at least get to meet _other_ people," he said.

"Well, right now you are meeting other people," she said. He laughed.

"Yeah. Guess I am."

* * *

Meredith changed her pace to a run when she heard the footsteps following her. 

She heard her name, called desperately after her.

"Leave me alone!"

She ran into an empty room, but he followed her before she could close the door.

"Just leave me alone," she said again.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

She angrily spun around to face him.

"No! Alright, no! I am not okay! You have a wife! And I have Finn, and I _like_ Finn. He's cuter than he was in high school. And now you're looking at me! Stop looking at me!"

She walked away, to behind the table that stood in the centre of the room. He took a step toward her.

"I'm not looking at you. I am _not_ looking at you_."_

"You're looking at me. And you watch me. Finn is perfect for me. And I'm really trying to be happy here, but I can't with you looking at me! So stop looking at me,"

"Do you think I want to look at you? Do you think I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married, I have responsibilities! She doesn't make me crazy! She doesn't make me stick to the stomach when I think of my veterinarian, touching her with his hands."

He paused. His voice was now angry and her eyes were now sad.

"And my best friend. We're supposed to fight for you, not over you."

Meredith thought of Mark, and her heart twinged painfully. She was sure, for a moment, that this was completely wrong.

She slowly turned around, and met his eyes. He hesitated for a second before striding forward and kissing her.

Her arms moved around his neck and he lifted her onto the table in the centre of the room.

She pulled away for a moment as he began to kiss her neck and he looked up at her in surprise, still intoxicated by the moment.

She thought of Mark. She pictured his eyes, how his face would look in the millisecond before he'd manage to repair it, in the millisecond that he discovered, one way or another, what had happened.

She looked back into Derek's eyes.

But this was Derek. She'd always wanted this, she told herself.

The image of his eyes flashed before her only once more before he was inside of her and she was calling out for him, and the look on his face told her that he, at least for the moment, he had exactly what he wanted.

And then, it flashed before her eyes once more.

* * *

Author's note: While some of you are probably happy right now, for the rest of you all I can do is request that you keep reading, and promise that the drama is FAR from resolved, and that next chapter will open up a whole new set of... intrigues. 


	24. What Was I Thinking When I Let Go of You

Chapter Twenty-Four: What Was I Thinking When I Let Go Of You?

"What does this mean?"

Meredith ignored her and hugged her knees to her chest. Ignoring the fact that Derek was, once again, staring at her intently, that she still hadn't found her panties.

"What does this mean?"

Meredith slowly looked up at him.

"We had sex, Derek. On a table in a hospital while your wife and my boyfriend socialize and drink bad punch." She paused. "Does this make me your mistress?"

"Boyfriend?"

She glared at him, whatever spell had been cast over them already vanishing.

"You have a wife, Derek."

He sat down beside her.

"Then I guess that does make you my mistress."

She nodded.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked softly.

She couldn't tell him what she was thinking- that she'd finally been forced to make her choice, and that she'd made it _wrong_. But that there was no going back anymore, because the other option didn't care anymore and was fucking Izzie, and anyway, that Derek kept looking at her like he was in love with her.

Which had supposedly been all she'd ever wanted.

"I have to go."

As she went, she could practically her the thought running through his head: _to_ _him_?

Only Derek wasn't thinking right. He was thinking of the man who was no real competition, and not the one that was.

* * *

Meredith abruptly returned to the dance, feeling certain that everybody would be able to tell what had happened by only looking at her. 

And, predictably, the first of these was Addison.

"Meredith! Hi, have you seen Derek? You look beautiful, by the way."

Addison's compliment was insincere, but her concern was genuine.

"No, actually. I'm sure he's around here. Is Finn?" she asked nervously.

"He went to look for you. I'm sure he'll be back soon."

Meredith nodded, not believing this.

Glancing over her shoulder, she saw that Mark was already watching her, and probably had been since she'd re-entered the room.

She walked quickly toward him. She realized that she was walking to him, that she'd run away from Derek.

She pushed this thought out of her head. She'd just experienced what she'd been dreaming of ever since her maturity had pushed her fantasies from weddings, and babies and white picket fences to daydreams of a different caliber.

Izzie, luckily, was no where to be seen.

"What are you doing?" he asked. She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of a fire exit to a small, closed in courtyard.

"I was actually about to ask what it is that _you're_ doing," she said accusingly.

He shrugged.

"You're sleeping with one of my best friends!"

"Yeah, well, you're sleeping with mine."

She looked away, and he knew for certain it was true. He'd suspected since they'd left together, since she'd returned, looking disheveled and terrified, but now she gave herself away. He reached out to put a hand on her waist and pulled her in to him. She tilted her head up, ready for what was to come.

He looked down at her lips, at her eyes. He willed himself to seal the deal.

He pushed her away.

"I can't," he muttered in disbelief.

"What, for Derek? For Izzie?" she asked.

He resisted the urge to tell her that it was the only way he could put up with her having a Derek was having an Izzie of his own.

"Do you want me to?" he asked.

She took his hand off her waist and stepped away from him.

"I still can't believe that _you_ want to," she said.

"Why not? Come on Mer. I mean you've always been slow about these kind of things, but... You're a beautiful woman. You know me better than anyone. You have sketchy taste, but I can overlook that. You are the least decisive person I've ever met, but some could find that endearing. How could we not both want you?" he asked her.

She smiled.

"You know, every time I manage to convince myself that you really are just an ass, you turn around and say something like that and I have to remind myself that you're Mark, and you're not."

"It's why we work."

She smiled, and basked in the smile he sent back to her. His looking, his smiling, was somehow so much more welcome.

"I don't know why I'm here. It isn't supposed to happen like this."

"Is he going to leave Addison?" he asked, ignoring her.

"I don't know. If he did, would you..?"

Mark shook his head.

"Ship's sailed," he said, looking intently at her.

"But Izzie..."

For a moment, he looked deeply regretful.

"Never mind. I don't want to know," said Meredith. He nodded.

She turned around and went back, to live the moment in the way it was supposed to be lived.

* * *

Eventually, it ended. 

Addison exchanged a few more lightly flirtatious glances with her new friend the intern. George got the phone number of Callie, Burke managed to convince Cristina to spend the whole night with him.

Izzie went home by herself after failing to receive the attention of an unusually sullen Mark.

Meredith sat up against the headboard of her bed, her finery gone, now dressed in her pajamas.

She heard the door open softly.

The same words came again.

"What does this mean?"

He entered and sat down on the edge of her bed, facing away from her.

"What do you want it to mean?" she asked eventually.

He looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

"Are you going to leave Addison?"

This is the important question, the one he doesn't have the answer to.

"Do you want me to?"

Meredith sighed in frustration.

"Don't make it about me, Derek."

Derek interpreted what she really meant: that she wasn't willing to invest herself in whatever was happening.

"Can I stay here?" he asked hesitantly.

"No." She noted the surprise in his face. "I'm not going to be that for you. I'm not going to be the girl you screwed to get over being screwed. If you leave her, we can date. We can go about it the right way. I'm not your mistress."

Derek nodded.

"I'm sorry I dragged you through this."

She shook her head.

"I dragged myself through this."

* * *

The three of them ate breakfast as they'd become accustomed to, Addison no more suspicious of them than she was normally. 

Hoping to avoid confrontation with Izzie, Meredith waited until Derek and Addison had gone off to start rounds before seeking out Mark, who she found alone.

"Hey," she said, smiling.

"You sleep okay?" he asked in concern. A moment later, he seemed to realize how else his question could be interpreted and seemed to regret it.

"Not really. Just a lot of thinking."

He nodded, looking relieved, the jealousy that had flashed through his eyes now gone.

"What about you. Did you... sleep well?" she asked.

"Slept the whole night."

She looked down, hoping he wouldn't notice the jealousy in her eyes as well as she'd noticed it in his.

A nagging voice in her head told her that Mark had more right to be jealous – after all, his fling with Izzie hardly sounded serious, whereas hers with Derek was supposed to have given her what she'd always wanted.

"I have to go do rounds," said Meredith abruptly.

She turned to leave.

"You know what? I just decided something."

"What's that?" she asked, turning back around.

"I'm going to pursue you again. I'm not going to give up," he said firmly.

"Seriously? You just want me because Derek does. And because I'm unattainable and you can't have me," she explained patiently.

He gave her a signature McSteamy smile.

"See, that's where your wrong. You're not unattainable. I can have you. I just haven't yet."


	25. Welcome to the Fallout

Chapter Twenty-Five: Welcome to the Fallout

Izzie walked to Mark and casually put an arm around him and let her head fall onto his shoulder. Automatically he wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Is she mad at me?" asked Izzie nervously.

"Yeah," said Mark, slowly letting out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

"What were you guys talking about?" she asked in interest.

Mark considered whether what they'd been doing technically constituted as cheating.

"Not much. Lots of drama last night," he said, hoping she'd find things to talk about.

"Yeah. Especially Burke and Cristina. Who knew? Alex was flirting with Addison, George actually managed to hit on a hot resident, Meredith and Finn disappeared for a while."

Mark smirked at this, thinking it was surprisingly close to the truth. Something that Addison could tell herself, anyway.

"You mocking my hospital gossip?" she asked.

"No, I'm way too afraid to," he teased.

She laughed and reflected that this, betraying her friendship with Meredith, was easier than she'd thought it would be. She let her hand rest on her muscular chest. This was why.

* * *

Ordinarily, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd would have been extremely happy to find her husband staring at her, but somehow she suspected that his thoughts weren't in the same place his eyes were. 

She watched him sadly. She was ashamed for not having realized in the beginning, but now it was clearly apparent to her.

She waited while he realized she'd noticed his staring.

"We need to talk," he said eventually.

"I figured."

She reluctantly followed him back to his office, and they sat down on the couch there.

Derek opened his mouth and closed this, wishing he didn't have to say what he was about to, and wondering why it was so hard.

"So does this make us even?" she asked. He cringed.

"I'm sorry."

She scanned his face.

"No, you're not."

He pictured her face, heard her voice.

"Do you still want to try to work it out?" he asked.

"Are you going to stop seeing her?" she asked.

"I don't know. Maybe we could... scale back a little."

"What, we were married and now you don't even want to go steady?" she demanded.

"I need to figure a few things out."

She nodded, accepting this as gracefully as she was able.

"Are you going to ask me to not see Mark?" she questioned.

He smiled grimly. For Addison, at least, he no longer saw Mark as competition.

"Are you tempted to?" he asked.

"He's going out with Izzie." She watched his face for signs of what he was feeling. "And has his eyes on Meredith."

Derek nodded.

She wondered if this was the true reason that Derek was chasing after Meredith, but knew better than to answer. She wondered as well if the true reason Mark was chasing after Meredith because Derek was.

Either way, it was a difficult statistic to face.

* * *

Meredith made a discontented moan as she slid down next to Cristina. 

"What's up with you?" she asked curiously, looking up from the chart she'd been doing.

"Promise not to tell Izzie?" asked Meredith.

"Is it that good?"

"Oh, you have no idea."

"Just tell me."

"I had sex last night. I mean, yesterday evening. At the hospital."

"During the dance?" asked Cristina in interest. Meredith nodded. "With McSteamy?"

Meredith whacked her arm.

"Of course not. Derek."

"It's not that crazy. You might as well face that you want him," said Cristina practically.

"I do not! Come on, back to..." she blushed.

"The McSex? Fine. Was it any good?"

Meredith looked sideways at her.

"Because he looks like... he'd be good."

"It was..." She searched for a word. "Yeah, it was good. It was great. But weirdly unfulfilling."

"Well yeah, because you want McSteamy."

Meredith resisted the urge to hit her again.

"He's sleeping with Izzie."

"She's been hot for him for a while," said Cristina.

Meredith shook her head, wondering how she managed to be so out of it.

"Does it bother you?" she asked.

She didn't want to say the obvious, truest answer: _Yes_.

"Not really. I mean, it's Mark. He's slept with Addison. Two of Derek's four sisters. Probably his attending when he was an intern."

Meredith stopped.

"Speaking of which, did you talk to the Chief?"

"Don't change the subject."

"Right, we were talking about incestuous love triangles. And I was having such a good time."

"One more question. You going to do it again?"

Meredith shook her head vehemently.

"I told him we weren't. At least not until he gets a divorce."

"Is he going to? Leave his wife for you?"

Meredith shrugged, knowing the answer: That he would, had she asked him to. That he would, if either of them were sure that they wanted him to.

* * *

Derek smiled when he finally saw Meredith at the end of the day, emerging from the locker room, dressed in jeans and a sweater. She smiled back, more hesitantly. 

"You look happy," she said suspiciously.

"I'm working on it."

She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Glancing around, he noted that half the occupants of the hall were listening in interest to their conversation.

"Come on."

She followed him across the street to the bar, and waved away Joe when he offered to pour her a shot of Tequila, guessing that it wasn't that sort of night.

"What to you need to tell me?"

"Just promise you'll hear me out?"

She nodded reluctantly.

"I'm not ready to divorce my wife," he said. She nodded again. "But I'm also not ready to give up on this. On Us."

"What are you saying? That you want to have your cake and eat it too?"

"No. You were right, when you said that we shouldn't be having sex. It's wrong. We should be starting out the right way. We should date."

"Are you going to date Addison, too?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Can I date other people too?" she asked.

He looked at her in surprise.

"If... you want to," he said reluctantly. "Mark?"

She glared at him.

"Okay seeing as this whole arrangement kind of sucks for me, so I'm going to have to put some rules in place," she said firmly.

He nodded.

"First of all, no jealousy. I won't question whatever goes on between you and Addison if you don't freak out when you see me with Mark, or George, or whoever," she said.

"I can do that."

"Second, we are not sleeping together. We are not cuddling together. Absolutely no PDA, and no fooling around in on-call rooms."

He nodded again, now looking more amused. "Of course."

"And third..." She hesitated slightly. "Both of you need to move out."

"What?"

"Seriously. It's getting too weird. Both of you need to go," she said.

"Seriously?"

Meredith nodded.

"Fine, we'll move out."

She stuck out her hand for him to shake. He took it, and used it to pull her in to him before kissing her lips.

"That's a direction violation of rule number two, Dr. Shepherd," she said sternly.

"What are you going to do about it?" he teased. She extracted her hand from his.

"Wait, there's one rule I forgot," she said.

He raised his eyebrows, cued for her to continue.

"Absolutely no elevators."


	26. Over and Over and Over Again

Chapter Twenty-Six: Over and Over and Over Again

Addison looked up in surprise when a knock sounded on her door.

"Hey," she said. Derek stood in the hall. She realized it was the first time he'd asked for entrance into her room at Meredith's.

He came in and sat down on her desk chair, and she found herself feeling sad that he couldn't bring himself to sit on her bed.

"We're being evicted," he said.

"Meredith... broke up with you?" guessed Addison. He shook his head.

"Do you have a place to stay?" he asked.

"I'll stay at a hotel. Or with the Chief. I'll be fine," she said. "So you didn't break up with Meredith?"

"Are you two..."

"Dating? Tentatively. It's complicated."

Addison sighed, thinking of the blonde girl she'd been jealous of since the first time she'd met her, when she'd been a preteen and no threat to her whatsoever. She'd been able to tell herself that Meredith was no threat until just recently, when it had become glaringly obvious that Mark no longer bothered to even look at her and Derek had given up.

"Why the hell would she agree to that?" she asked.

"There are rules," he explained.

"What sort of rules?"

He glanced at her. He considered leaving, but then realized he missed this, their interactions. It was harder than he let himself admit, to completely shut her out of his life.

"No sex. No PDA. We move out. And no jealousy," he admitted. She smiled.

"Of Finn?"

"I think it was her nice way of telling me she has absolutely no intention of giving up on Mark," he said.

She nodded, trying her best to look understanding.

"She's making it awfully hard for me to hate her," said Addison softly.

"I think she feels the same about you."

She stood up slowly.

"I'm really trying here, Derek."

He nodded, watched her as she walked toward him and bent down.

The kiss was slow and hesitant, but he didn't pull away.

She smiled at him once they'd stopped.

"You know I get it now, why you were so angry."

Derek sighed, thinking longingly of the scene in the hospital, wishing circumstance made it easier for him to be with her.

"That's not why I did it."

Addison nodded, looking pained. It was easier to think that her husband had slept with Meredith Grey because he wanted to get back at her. It was harder to face the obvious truth that he was falling in love with her.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" 

Mark jerked abruptly out of his thoughts-Meredith smiling, Meredith laughing, Meredith in bed beside him.

"Probably the same thing you are," he joked to the woman beside him, thinking with guilt and fondness of the hours they'd just spend between the sheets.

Mark once again cursed himself for being an idiot. He'd left Addison, and she'd never forgive him for it. He'd fallen hard for Meredith and then slept with one of her best friends, effectively ruining any chance they'd ever had.

He was especially and idiot for thinking of Meredith. He looked sideways at Izzie. Before Meredith, before Addison, Izzie was exactly what he would have fantasized about. What any man would have fantasized about.

He thought of her one last time, this time with Derek. This image made him jealous enough to almost eradicate the feelings of guilt he felt for continuing to sleep with Izzie.

Mark propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at her.

"Damn you're hot," he said appreciatively. She smiled.

"You know that they call you McSteamy, right?" she asked teasingly.

"Yeah. Don't really get why."

"Because Derek was McDreamy," she said, as if it were an explanation.

"Didn't know you guys spent so much time talking about us."

"After the kissing thing, yeah," she said, looking sideways to gauge her reaction. "I kind of have to go. George will worry."

"You live with O'Malley?" he asked, smirking.

"And Alex Karev."

He nodded vaguely, watched her as she put her clothes on. She glanced back at him to watch his reaction again, disappointed when there were none. He talked enough about Meredith that she knew he was fishing for information, wondering if Meredith and Derek were still only living together in the platonic sense.

She knew he didn't expect fidelity from her, and wondered if she could ask it of him.

* * *

Having received two speeches in the last two days in which her two oldest friends had declared their intentions for her, Meredith was tempted to stay home. 

She was also tempted to go yell at Izzie, and this desire took over the other.

When she drove to work in her scrubs with Derek and Addison, she was thankful that it would be the last time. Living with Derek had only been fun before he'd realized he wanted her, then the fun had rapidly decreased.

Izzie and George entered the building right behind her. She ignored the helpless shrug George sent her to glare at Izzie. As unpleasant as it sometimes was to live with the Shepherds, right then she thought it better than the alternative.

"Hey," said Izzie cautiously.

Meredith sighed.

"If I start to yell at you will you tell me annoying logical things about how he's not my boyfriend or whatever?" she asked.

Izzie smiled cautiously.

"Probably."

Meredith met her eyes.

"Seriously, Izzie? Mark?"

Izzie shrugged helplessly. "If it makes you feel any better, he has absolutely no intention of making commitments to me."

"It doesn't make me feel better."

"It's just sex, Meredith."

"If you become the next person to tell me that Mark is in love with me, I might have to hurt you," she said. Izzie giggled.

"Fine, I won't. Someone should though," she said, walking away before Meredith had a chance to respond.

George sheepishly wandered toward her, hoping she had cooled off.

"She's sleeping with him, even though she thinks he's in love with me. And she doesn't even seem sorry. What the hell is going on?" demanded Meredith. George shrugged.

"He's man-candy," explained George simply. Meredith raised her eyebrows, and he blushed. "For her, I mean."

Meredith laughed appreciatively.

"So are you... with Derek now?" he asked awkwardly. Meredith glanced at him, remembering that he had successfully fulfilled best friend duties for over fifteen years. Almost as long as Mark and Derek had.

"Sort of," she admitted reluctantly. He nodded. "I heard about you and your resident."

George blushed but didn't counter her comment, and the two followed Izzie.

* * *

Derek Shepherd walked through the hospital toward the office of the Chief of Surgery. He had been called in as soon as he'd reached work, but wasn't concerned. He hoped that Richard wasn't planning on inviting him to another awkward dinner-this time with Mark, perhaps. 

He sighed and remembered that he had just slept his last night at Meredith's. Addison had already gone, and had taken out a room at a nearby hotel, and he was planning on moving to his trailer that evening. Though, he had to admit to himself, he was clinging to the hope that she'd change her mind now that Addison had gone.

Mark exited Richard's office as Derek reached it. Derek forced himself to nod curtly at him, reminding himself that he needed all the good guy points he could get with Meredith.

Mark raised his eyebrows and stood aside for Derek to enter Richard's office.

"Dr. Shepherd, could you please close the door behind you?" he asked. Derek obeyed and went to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

"Something I can help you with, Chief?" he asked. Richard sighed and folded his hands in front of him on the desk.

"I consider you to be the son I never had, Derek. Ellis and I have done our best to make sure you always felt like a part of the family. This being said, please understand I would much prefer to not have to ask you this."

"Ask what?"

Richard sighed again and leaned back, his arms now folded against his chest.

"Are you sleeping with my daughter?"


	27. Get All That You Need and More

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Get All That You Need and More

"_Dude, you couldn't spring for a motel room?"_

_Addison Montgomery sat up quickly, blushed when she remembered she still hadn't put her shirt back on. She ignored Mark's swift appraisal._

_She awkwardly climbed off of her boyfriend, and Derek sat up as well._

"_Sorry, Mark, didn't think you'd be back until tomorrow," he said pointedly. Mark laughed and dropped onto the chair opposite the couch they'd been making out on._

"_Too many sober girls at the bar."_

_Addison scoffed as she pulled her shirt over her head. She sat back down on the couch and Derek slid his arm around her._

"_Oh, by the way Derek. I've been meaning to mention that my parents are coming in to town tomorrow. They asked me to invite you to dinner on Saturday. Then I was thinking we could come back here and I could make it up to you?" she asked seductively. Mark laughed at the deer-in-the-headlights expression on Derek's face._

"_Sorry, Addie. He can't, he's going to see another woman," he joked._

_Addison, knowing he was kidding, sent another glare in his direction._

"_It's true, and he's crazy about her."_

_Derek smirked._

"_It's true, I am crazy about her," he agreed. Addison glanced suspiciously at him._

"_Come on, what are you doing that outranks this?" she asked. _

_Derek was inclined to go on teasing her, but decided it was a good idea._

"_Mark and I have a date," he explained._

"_With each other?"_

_He laughed at her suspicion and her growing irritation._

"_I'm kidding. We're going to see Meredith and the Webbers," he said. She nodded._

"_That's nice," she said instantly. He hugged her shoulders._

"_Sorry. They're family," he explained inadequately._

"_So your other woman is a nine year old? You could have started with that," she said accusingly. Derek shrugged._

"_Don't worry. She loves Mark better, it's breaking my heart."_

_Mark rolled his eyes. Addison noted the gesture, but said nothing._

"_So when do I get to meet her?" she asked. Mark and Derek quickly exchanged glances._

"_She doesn't always adapt so well to new things," said Derek carefully._

"_You don't think she'd like me?" asked Addison._

_The answer, to both boys was glaring obvious: there was no way in hell she'd like her._

"_She'll love you," said Derek, placating her._

_Mark rolled his eyes on more time. Though Derek didn't realize it at the time, he wasn't rolling his eyes over Derek's placating, he was rolling them over the ridiculous notion that Meredith liked him better._

* * *

"Derek?" 

Richard's voice was sharp, and Derek realized he'd been daydreaming.

"Sorry, Chief."

"Are you going to answer me?" he asked.

"About Meredith? No, of course not. She's like a sister to me."

This thought instantly disgusted him, but he hid his own reaction as Richard studied his face.

"I'm sorry I had to ask, Derek. I've been hearing rumours. That you live together, that you two went off together during the Formal. And I think we both know that she's had a crush on you since she was a child."

Derek fought his initial reaction:

_Seriously_?

And instead addressed the other issue.

"We have been living together," he admitted. Richard pinched the bridge of his nose. "Completely platonic. We ran into each other the night I came to Seattle. I told her about Addison and she needed a roommate. She didn't want to tell you because she was afraid you'd react like... this."

Richard nodded.

"Do we need to revisit the issue of you punching out Mark?" he asked.

"Mark slept with my wife!" said Derek.

"He was kissing Meredith. Look, Derek, Mark was just in her to tell me that he's sleeping with an intern. Burke told me that he'd impregnated one last week. If you have something to tell me, now is a pretty good time for it."

Derek frowned. It would be a lie to say he was sleeping with her-she barely let him near her, let alone her bed. It was also a lie to pretend like nothing was happening.

"I have nothing to tell you, Chief," he said convincingly. Richard nodded and Derek stood to go.

"Derek," he said, stopping him. "About Addison..."

Derek stood still by the door and though of how to answer this.

"We're trying," he said simply.

* * *

Addison smiled in surprise at the intern that had been assigned to her. 

"Alex, right? I haven't seen you around since the Formal," she said, smiling at him.

"I've been assigned to Dr. Sloan," he explained. She glanced at him. His eyes still had a slightly smarmy yet resentful cast to them, and she was determined to find his more genuine side.

"Interested in plastics?" she asked. Alex nodded.

"You must be learning a lot," she said.

"He's the best plastic surgeon on the coast," said Alex, looking less than enthused. Addison began to walk down the hall and he followed her automatically.

"You having problems with him?" she asked.

"Nah. He just doesn't seem very... driven."

Addison laughed.

"Oh, he's very driven. Maybe not very focused right now. Does he even work at the hospital?" she asked, laughing.

"Supposedly. Mostly he sleeps in the on-call room and does hotshot surgeries," said Alex. A moment later he looked regretful of his words, but Addison laughed.

"Don't worry. I've known Mark for ten years, I know what he's like," she said. Alex smiled.

"Yeah. I forgot," he said apologetically. "He's kind of a mystery though. I mean, he's sleeping with my roommate and he's Meredith's best friend, but when he works he's a total..."

"Ass?" suggested Addison helpfully. Alex smirked.

"Something like that."

"Don't let it get to you, Alex. Look, I know neonatal isn't the most glamorous specialty and I know you want your macho surgeries, but I'm also pretty sure I know that Dr. Sloan isn't letting you scrub in. If you want in on some pretty amazing surgeries, you'd probably be better to stop fetching him coffee," she said.

Alex looked down, seemingly embarrassed.

"You know, all of Bailey's girl interns are sleeping with a department head. It's easier for them," he said. He then blushed, realizing the implication in his words.

"I'll take that as a yes?" she asked.

"Sure. I'm in."

* * *

Though she was exhausted after her day, Meredith was glad when she walked out of Seattle Grace and saw Mark sitting on one of the benches, smoking a cigarette and staring in to space. 

She sat down beside him and returned the smile he sent her.

"Hey," he said. He took another drag from his cigarette.

"I talked to Izzie today."

"You two going to keep pulling each other's hair?" he asked. Meredith laughed.

"It's going to be okay. Can I have a drag?" she asked, indicating his cigarette.

"No. You're too young to smoke," he said automatically. She laughed in disbelief.

"You're trying to seduce me. You're trying to seduce me yet you think I'm too young to smoke?" she demanded.

"Everyone is too young to smoke. Regardless of whether I'm seducing them," he said, intentionally leaving off the "trying."

"What would Izzie say if she'd heard your speech the other day?" asked Meredith.

Mark sighed.

"If you wanted to be with me, Mer, I'd..."

"I know."

She leaned in to him and he wrapped his arm around her. She inhaled his scent: designer cologne, soap, and leather.

"It's hard. I thought I wanted to be with Derek. Now he's being stupid and indecisive and giving Addison another chance."

"Indecisive? Sure is an unattractive quality," he joked.

"Shut up," she said.

She leaned back in to him.

"Derek's broken, Mer. It's my fault, I broke him. He can't..." Mark broke off. "He can't love like he used to be able to. He can't love you like I can."

Meredith hesitated, wondering if he had really just told her that he was in love with her, or if he had just told her he loved her.

"Well. What do you say the Dirty Mistress' Club have a meeting at Joe's?" he suggested. She shook her head.

"Derek's leaving. I should at least go and say goodbye," she said. He nodded and they stood.

"They're moving out?" he asked.

"I asked them to."

She realized that his arm was still around her and had no intention of leaving her.

"Well, you two have fun," he said.

"You aren't worried that he'll try to seduce me, too?" she asked.

"Not worried that he'll succeed."

Rolling her eyes at his cockiness, Meredith leaned up to kiss his cheek. He tightened the arm that was already on her waist and moved his face so that her lips landed on his.

After a moment of surprise, Meredith relaxed and let herself sink in to the kiss. She opened her mouth when his tongue cautiously touched her lips. Her arms wound around her neck and she pressed her body against his, trying her best to familiarize herself with his body even through their many layers of clothing.

He pulled away abruptly and for a panicked moment she wondered if Derek was around, until she realized that although he was no longer kissing her lips, his arms had not moved from her waist.

"You kissed me," he teased.

"You're such a child."

Guiltily, she admitted to herself the truth: that she had kissed him back, undeniably, and that he was as good a kisser as she remembered.

"You're better at facing your feelings than Derek is," she said. He leaned in closer to her again and whispered into her ear:

"I'm better at a lot of things than Derek is."

* * *

Meredith leaned against her car and watched as Derek carried the last of his boxes out of her home. She wished that Addison had chosen to move out then, too, to keep them from having to be alone together. 

He loaded them in to the trunk of his car and walked toward her.

"Thanks for letting me crash," he said. She nodded. She wished she hadn't-if it had been her pining after him, she would have been able to handle it indefinitely, but not him pining after her.

She threw her arms around her neck and hugged him tightly. She knew that always, no matter what he did, she'd love Derek as her older brother, her first love.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said earnestly. As she pulled away from him, she recognized the look in his eyes. She knew he was going to kiss her.

And suddenly she was and she wasn't pulling away because she didn't want to and because she didn't know how to and because she still had no idea of what she wanted.

And when he pulled away, keeping his kiss from being pushy and too much for her to handle, and smiled at her with his McDreamy smile, she wished that she had less men in her life to smile like that.

* * *

Author's note: I loved writing this chapter, the flashbacks are fun. Anyways, hope you enjoyed too! 


	28. Simple Lives We Once Left Behind

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Simple Lives We Once Left Behind

Meredith smiled at Derek as he opened the door to the outside when they left the hospital together.

It had been a month since the Formal. They were going on their sixth official date. Derek was still living in his trailer, Addison and Mark were still living separately at the hotel. Izzie had been heard to rant endlessly about her best friend's new girlfriend, Callie, when Izzie wasn't busy discussing her latest McSteamy stories, to the disgust of many and in particular Cristina, who was beginning to show and refused to dish on whether or not she was living with Burke.

Derek smiled at the woman beside him, light of step now that they'd left the hospital and the drama they were doomed to encounter there.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. She shrugged.

"Nothing. Gossip, I guess. I heard you and Addison were making out in the supply closet yesterday," she said lightly. He sighed.

"I heard the same rumour," he said dryly. "Don't believe everything you hear."

"Seriously? Come on, part of this whole thing is us sharing. You guys had a date, didn't you?"

"Last night," he said hesitantly. She nodded. She hated having to hear about them through hospital gossip, but from his own lips it hardly hurt her anymore.

"I went out with Finn," she said. He nodded.

This moment of the evening was always awkward for her, but always less awkward than having to tip-toe around his name, or watching Derek do the same about Addison.

"Did you ever explain to him what happened at the Formal?" asked Derek. She shook her head. It had been weeks and still she'd only told Cristina. Not counting Mark, who'd figured it out by himself.

"He understands we're not exclusive," she said, an edge to her voice. Derek understood that he was being an idiot, but it was a difficult hole to pull himself out of. It had been easy to leave Addison the first time, this time would be harder.

Despite this, part of him was more than willing. He wanted a fresh start with Meredith. He wanted to be able to hold her hand in public, to be able to tell people they were dating. More than anything he wanted a fresh start, and he could think of no better person to do it with than the girl who had once been like a sister and now could be nothing further from it.

* * *

"Why so quiet?" 

Cristina Yang looked at the man lying beside her.

"Meredith's on a date with McDreamy," she said. Burke nodded.

"This bothers you?"

"Sort of. I mean, he's not going to leave his wife. He's acting like he is, but clearly he isn't. And she's just waiting for an excuse to get out of the relationship, anyway."

"Why doesn't she end it?" asked Burke.

"Because she's under the impression she's in love with him."

She let herself smile when his hand crept across the bed and slowly rested on the slight bump on her stomach.

"You keep doing that like you expect something to happen. It's not moving yet," she said.

"I just don't want to miss out on any of it," he said.

She rolled onto her side, guessing he was about to ask her to move in with him again. It bothered her that he was persisting with it-she practically lived with him anyway, all he sought was a formal acknowledgment of it.

"Cris..."

She turned back to face him and propped her head on her elbow, an expectant look in her eye.

Her expression changed to one of surprise when he reached into the drawer of the bedside table and pulled out a small black box.

"I know you think we're not ready for this. I know you think I'm only staying with you because of the baby. I am a man who's gotten everything he ever wanted, Cristina. But I've never wanted anything more than this." He tipped the box open to reveal a square diamond on a narrow band. "Will you marry me?"

* * *

Derek dropped onto the bed squashed into the back end of his trailer, breathing heavily. It was harder than he'd expected, being half with Meredith and being half with Addison. Wanting Meredith and knowing he couldn't be the sort of man who didn't even try to make his marriage work. Wishing to take the easy way out and knowing that neither way was easy. 

He resented that right then he could talk to no one about his predicament. Throughout his life it was a problem he'd never had – first he'd had Mark, who was his best friend, then Addison, whom he'd shared everything with. He'd also had Richard for a father figure and even Meredith, and now he couldn't talk to any of them.

He got up slowly when he heard a knock on the door. He hoped it was Meredith, but seriously doubted it.

Addison smiled at him, and felt relieved when he smiled back.

"Hey, Addie. Come in," he said. She nervously folded her coat over her arm and entered behind him. Hesitantly, after realizing it was the only place to sit, she sat on the bed.

"I was worried you wouldn't be here," she said.

"I had a date tonight."

"But you're here anyway."

Derek sighed. "Addison..."

"Derek, are you really willing to divorce me over someone who you aren't even sure wants you back in the same way?" she asked.

"There are other reasons."

"I gave up Mark."

"Meredith's my family."

"I'm your family."

Derek nodded hesitantly.

"Derek, she's not ready. I know you want to start a new life with her, but she's just beginning hers."

"I was certain you were ready to start a life with me, but apparently you weren't," he said bitterly. She cringed.

"And face it. Isn't one of the real reasons you're doing this because you're terrified that she's in love with Mark?" she asked softly.

Derek ran a hand through his moussed hair and sighed heavily.

"You don't think I'm more worried that you are?" he asked. She shook her head.

"I'm hopeful, Derek. I'm not delusional."

"I can't believe she even wants him."

"He's a different Mark to her. He always has been. She brings out his best self."

Addison patiently waited for Derek to speak again.

"What are we going to do, Addison?" he asked her pitifully. She moved closer to him and hesitantly put her hand on top of his.

"We're going to make it work."

* * *

Burke watched in amusement as Cristina paced around the bedroom, obviously thinking heavily and ignoring him every time he tried to speak to her. 

"Talk to me," he entreated again. She stopped abruptly.

"This is insane," she said. He sighed.

"It's not that insane. You're pregnant. And..."

"What, now you're going to tell me you're in love with me?"

He stopped, looking wounded, but didn't deny it.

She began to pace again, agitated by this new revelation.

"Cristina..."

"I swear you're more hormonal than I am sometimes."

He looked down, hiding a grin.

"You might as well know that I'm not giving up, Cristina. I want us to be a family. We will be a family. So I'm going to ask you again when you're less hormonal," he said. She nodded, sinking back down onto the bed.

"Okay."

* * *

Mark Sloan walked out of Seattle Grace Hospital, wondering idly if Izzie would show up at his hotel or not, or if it was worthwhile to seek shelter with the Webber's so he could at least have real food and avoid his life. 

He thought about the last few days. How, sensing disaster, he'd gone to the Chief to explain to him about Izzie, but had left out the undeniable fact that he didn't actually plan to start a real relationship with her, and had much more interest in starting one with Meredith. As much as Mark occasionally prided himself on his honesty, he knew that making his boss want to punch him out wasn't a good idea.

Mark glanced over the benches lining the walkway to the hospital, and instantly recognized the figure sitting on one of them.

He rapidly began to walk, his concern growing as he noted that she was staring into space and not moving at all.

"What's wrong?" asked Mark, stopping abruptly when he realized that Meredith was close to tears.

"Derek and I broke up," she explained shortly. He nodded.

"Are you going to get back together?"

She shook her head with emphasis. He walked over to her, pulled her up from the bench and folded her into his arms, where she'd once fit so perfectly. He kissed the top of her head and murmured nonsensical endearments.

Meredith looked up to meet his eyes in surprise. Taking his chances, he leaned down to kiss her. She reacted before she could process her thoughts, opening to him and letting him wash away her heartache.

"What are you doing?"she asked shakily, breaking away, looking afraid. He pulled her back in to him.

"I'm kissing you, Meredith Grey. And I'm about to do it again."

She only had time for one confused nod before his lips crashed on to hers.

* * *

Author's note: Reviews for last chapter were kind of low... Here's hoping they pick up a little? I love to hear your input.

And I was wondering what your opinions were on George/Izzie. Anyone for it? Couplings still aren't set in stone.


	29. I'll Show You Things You've Never Seen

Chapter Twenty-Nine: I'll Show You Things You've Never Seen

As soon as Meredith awoke the next morning, she knew exactly where she was. She knew whose bed she was in, she knew whose rock hard abs she'd used for a pillow.

Usually she could have blamed such a night on tequila, but this bad been different.

After a moment she realized that he was awake as well, and was playing idly with the ends of her blonde hair.

He considered saying something, but what could he say? _Sleep well?_ He knew for a fact she hadn't slept well, that she'd barely slept at all. Neither of them had. They'd stayed up most of the night.

She was glad they'd made it to her house, in her bed. She was glad they hadn't done anything in his bed, where she wouldn't have been able to help but to see him in it with Izzie. She wondered if he was wondering if she'd been in it with Derek.

"One of us has to say something," she said. She reflected that it was natural, how they were touching each other: her head resting on his shoulder, her arm thrown carelessly across his chest, his arms wrapped around her.

"Still feeling indecisive?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"No," she said, with certainty. He smiled.

"Liar."

She nodded, reluctantly.

"We just broke up. Logically, this was a pretty bad idea."

"Were you really together?" he asked.

"We could have been. If I'd asked him to leave Addison."

"What were the rules?" he asked abruptly.

"The rules?"

"You told me you laid out ruled for him. You never told me what they were."

Meredith smiled slightly and turned over so that their eyes could meet.

"That he and Addison move out, that he wasn't allowed to be jealous of me hanging out with... well you, to be honest. And that we weren't having sex until he left Addison," said Meredith.

"So it was only the one time that..?""

"Yeah."

She relaxed against his chest as the night vividly came back to her: walking through the parking lot of the hospital, their hands intertwined, not caring who saw them. Making out extensively in her car, stumbling up the steps off the house. Then...

_Blindly she unlocked her door and they fell through the now open door. A moment later his hands were on her body again, caressing her fabric covered flesh. Impatiently she found the bottom of his shirt and pulled it off of him. She ran her eyes once appreciatively before he grasped her by the waist and lifted her into the air. She wrapped her legs around his waist. He carried her up the stairs, blindly as he kissed her neck._

_They fell together onto the bed and he pulled off her shirt as she'd done his. His lips immediately fell to caress her now revealed skin. _

_They quickly shed the rest of their clothing. He sat up and pulled her upper body closer to his, kissed her again, pouring every confusing feeling he'd ever had for her back into her. He guided her on to him and watched in ecstasy as her eyelids slowly shut, she tilted her head back and emitted a silent sigh._

_He listened as she called out his name, over and over. She did so over and over, as they made love all night long._

She looked up and blushed when she saw he'd been staring at her, undoubtedly reading the thoughts that had been going through her mind.

It had been so long since she'd felt so complete, so whole. Even with Derek, it had been so quick, so guilt ridden. She'd never woken up in his arms like this. She'd never felt that he knew her better than she knew herself.

Slowly Meredith eased herself out of his arms and swung her feet over the edge of the bed.

"Thank you for that," she said, her back to him. "It made me forget for a little while."

Even though she didn't see it, she could practically feel his face fall.

"Was that all it was?" he asked. She shivered involuntarily as his hand touched her arm, willing her to turn to face him.

She stood up without answering him.

"Mer..."

Her name came out in a sigh. She turned back, melted at the helpless look on his face. She moved back to the bed, climbed on top of Mark and rested her cheek on his chest. His arms encircled her again.

"I don't know what to do," she said pitifully.

He kissed the top of her head.

"We'll figure it out," he promised.

* * *

Meredith was glad, when at work later that morning, that only Izzie, Alex and George had arrived. She knew that none of them would question her being silent, but that Cristina would undoubtedly suspect something. 

She listened as Bailey gave them their marching orders and was glad when Alex, and not herself, was sent off to Addison Shepherd. She winced, a moment later, when she was assigned to Derek.

His eyes scanned her as she hesitatingly walked toward him. She looked down, hoping he didn't know her well enough to know what was running through her mind.

"How are you?" he asked in concern. She shrugged her shoulders.

It all came back to her in a wave – his resigned expression, his words, the words she'd known had been coming. _She's my wife._ His obvious desire to touch her. Her leaving before he could see the tears. She realized that she now had the ability to hurt him as much as he'd hurt her. More. A thousand times more.

"I'm fine," she said.

Over his shoulder, she saw Mark walking down the hall. He smiled at her when they met eyes, and instantly she was back in the sheets.

She looked away again, hurriedly.

"If you wanted to talk..."

"I don't."

She stared as his face fell and suddenly he looked hurt, and somehow desperate. She thought that it was probably the last time he'd look like that. After he found out what happened (and somehow she knew he would), he'd never look at her like that again.

She'd thought it was what she wanted.

Meredith turned away from Derek, ignoring his call to her, satisfied that he didn't actually have an assignment for her and had just wanted to see her.

Cristina was rushing down the hall toward her. Cristina, who had missed rounds, and assignments, and already two fairly cool surgeries.

Cristina, who's hair was even more out of control than normal.

Cristina who had gotten _laid_, realized Meredith with a smirk.

Meredith walked toward her, and as she did Cristina turned around and began to walk in the same direction as her.

"Did someone get busy last night?" asked Meredith suggestively.

"I need to tell you something," she said.

"What?"

"Burke asked me to marry him," said Cristina. Meredith smiled.

"That's great. What did you say."

"Maybe. I think. But I'm moving in," she said.

"I'm happy for you."

"And I have another ultrasound. He'll probably cry," she said mockingly. Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Tell me how happy Addison looks, okay?" she requested. Cristina raised her eyebrows, the happy tint to her cheeks fading.

"Did you and McDreamy..?"

"We broke up," said Meredith shortly. Cristina nodded.

"Sorry."

Meredith nodded. She knew she should be sorry. She knew she should be broken. She knew she should be feeling _something._

She glanced down at her pager and jumped slightly-a code blue. She ran to the room she'd been directed to and arrived breathless.

Meredith looked around the almost empty room in surprise. She met eyes with Mark, who was standing in the middle of the room.

"Are you busy?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"No. I thought Derek had a surgery but he was just checking up on me," she said. He nodded.

"Close the door."

* * *

Author's note: Thank you so much for your reviews from last chapter, that was really great.

On that note, one of the reviewers (and sorry to call attention to you publicly) mentioned that they sometimes notice spelling/grammar errors. Have you guys found that to be a problem?

Thanks for reading, once again!


	30. Undefined

Chapter Thirty: Undefined

Meredith lay again in Mark's arms, much later. Not caring that she'd missed surgeries, that this was the hospital, that at any moment anyone could walk in. Derek, Izzie, Addison. Either of her parents. They were all but playing with fire.

"That was nice," she said contentedly. He chuckled. He still hadn't quite gotten through to the fact that what he'd been dreaming about for weeks had finally come to pass, and that it had been better than even he would have imagined.

"Do you have to work?" he asked.

"Don't _you?_ I mean, do you actually do anything in this hospital?" she asked.

He paused, admitting to himself that the only real reason he'd stayed had been for her.

"I'm not an intern."

"Aren't you worried that someone will walk in?" she asked.

_Derek_ she meant.

"If we don't tell him, he's going to find out anyway. And it's just going to end up looking like I'm doing it to get back at him, or for a repeat Addison performance, and that you're just trying to hurt him or get over him."

"Which it isn't," said Meredith firmly.

"Which it isn't," he agreed.

Minutes later she hurried through the hospital, having been called in to see the Chief. She hesitantly entered his office, always more wary of dealing with him in professional capacity than familial.

"Hello Meredith," he said, looking honestly happy to see him. She sat down in the chair in front of his desk and tucked her legs up against her chest. For a second her eyes focused on one of the pictures against the wall – Derek's wedding. Derek and Addison loosely holding each other, glowing with happiness. Her eyes skimmed past the rest of the wedding party. Derek's sisters, Addison's parents. She found herself, dressed in a green bridesmaid's dress at sixteen standing next to Mark, handsome in his tux. Her head tilted up to laugh at him as he made some comment or another. Her laughing face caught on film.

"Meredith?" he said again. She realized she'd drifted off.

"What's up?" she asked him.

"I had Derek in here yesterday," he said, frowning. She immediately paled. "I wish you'd told us."

"What did he say?" she asked carefully.

"That you two had been living together."

He sat down opposite her. Meredith imagined him and her mother discussing this, deciding that he would be the better onto talk to her about it.

"I tried."

He took off his glasses and sighed.

"It was good of you to take care of him," said Richard honestly. "But you're an intern. You have enough on your plate without dealing with his troubles."

"He's my family. I would have done the same for you, or Sammie, or Mark."

"He's jealous of Mark," observed Richard.

"Things are intense right now."

She failed to mention just how intense they were. She knew he didn't want to know.

"Addison and Derek are back together," he said, scanning her face for a reaction. She nodded.

"Of course they are. They're Derek and Addison," she said simply.

* * *

Cristina turned away from Addison's warm smile, still angry that Burke had insisted they go to Addison and no other. 

"How are you feeling, Cristina?" she asked pleasantly. She shrugged.

"Less morning sickness. I started to show."

"She's having lots of cravings," mentioned Burke, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Well, looks like everything's okay, but we're going to check it out."

Cristina winced as Addison began to spread cold gel over the opening in her hospital gown. Burke took the hand that was hanging over the edge of the bed into his own as an image once again began to appear on the screen, this one bigger and clearer than the first.

"Congratulations. As far as I can tell, its growing exactly as it should."

Burke smiled in relief and squeezed Cristina's hand. She found herself squeezing back as she stared at the moving image on the screen.

"It?" he asked. Addison paused.

"Would either of you like to know the gender?" she asked.

Cristina met Burke's eyes and nodded. Always a fan of modern medicine, she didn't think she'd be able to stand the wait.

"'It' is a boy," said Addison gently.

* * *

"Cristina?" 

Meredith found her shell-shocked friend wandering in the basement corridor, her expression a mixture of terror and delight.

"What's going on?" she asked in concern, glad to get her mind away from the meeting with her stepfather.

"It's a boy," said Cristina. Meredith smiled.

"Congratulations."

Meredith watched in amusement as the reality of the situation sunk in further.

"Oh my God. We're going to have a baby."

"Yep."

"It's going to be small, and Burke's going to hover over it and call it "Little Man" and teach it to play basketball and the trumpet, and it's going to look like Tiger Woods and be the best heart surgeon ever," she said in disbelief.

Meredith smiled.

"Maybe you should stop calling him 'it'," she suggested. "And Tiger Woods?"

"Well yeah, if it has any sense at all."

Cristina fell into a relaxed silence and then peered into Meredith's eyes.

"So. You're going to tell me what's really wrong?" she asked.

Meredith shook her head."

"Nope."

"Okay."

* * *

Mark frowned to himself when a blonde bounded up to him after his shift had ended. The wrong blonde. 

"Hey. I'm off, do you want to do something?" she asked.

Sex, he realized. She didn't want to go on a date, she wanted him to take her back to his hotel room.

He thought longingly of the morning, when it had all seemed so simple. When Meredith had awoken in his arms and not moved from them.

"I'm kind of hungry. Do you want to go get some food?" he asked desperately. She raised her eyebrows, and he could all but see the wheels in her head turning as she processed that he wanted to go on a date with her instead of just screwing in his room.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

She slipped her arm through his and they left the building together. Out of the corner of his eye Mark could see Meredith exit the locker room and stop to stare at them.

* * *

George smiled the next morning when he came across Meredith in the locker room before the rest of the interns had arrived. They'd grown up together, lived together for years. Now they worked together and he felt as if he never saw her. 

"Hey," he said, opening his locker. She looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey George. Sleep well?" she asked doubtfully, noting his bloodshot eyes.

"Barely at all. Alex was entertaining in his room and Izzie came into mine at midnight and complained for an hour about how Mark blew her off," said George.

"He what?" she asked, careful to keep her expression neutral.

"She thought he'd ask her to spend the night and he didn't. Said something lame about how he was tired. So of course I end up hearing about it all night..."

Meredith stopped listening to him, a smile growing on her lips. She abruptly left the room, leaving George staring after her with his mouth slightly open.

She easily navigated through the maze of corridors until she reached an on call room. Hoping blindly, she pushed the door open.

She walked over to one of the beds and sat down on the edge of it. The figure sleeping there slowly awoke.

"Hey," said Meredith, smiling at him while his eyes opened and he registered her presence in confusion.

"Hey Mer-Bear."

She reached down to lightly touch his face with her hand.

"I heard you were too tired to take Izzie to your hotel last night," she said softly.

"You just about wore me out," he said. She nodded, and he noticed with a shock that the look in her eyes, the tender, warm one was the same look she'd once used when talking about Derek.

"Want to wear me out some more?" he asked. Not wanting for an answer, he gently pulled on her wrist until she was lying on top of him.

She leaned down to kiss him as his hand began to slid up her back, underneath her sky blue scrub top, moving slowly toward her bra strap. She giggled in anticipation, happy to be with him and struck with the realization that he might actually care.

She tilted her head back up when the door opened, her first reaction being annoyance at being interrupted and not fear for being discovered.

This emotion vanished and was replaced with panic and a sure sensation that all hell had assuredly just broken loose. Mark pulled his hand out from her shirt when he realized who it was as well, and he found her hand to grip it comfortingly.

"Jesus..." muttered Meredith, her eyes still locked with those of the interruption.

* * *

Author's note: So sorry for the cliche cliffhanger, but it had to be done.

Someone asked me how much longer this was going to be. I honestly have no idea, I'm just kind of running with it. It's going to span at least a year of their time, now it's been about four or five months.

Thanks again for your patience. I know some of you are getting frustrated.


	31. We All Float On

Chapter Thirty-One: We All Float On

"**Addison**."

Addison Shepherd continued to walk down the hall, ignoring the call of the intern running behind her.

"**Addison**."

She stopped when Meredith grabbed her elbow. She turned to face her.

"Look, Meredith, I'm trying hard to not let myself think of you as a whore right now, but it's hard. And it's harder if you keep getting in my way."

Meredith flinched.

"I know you've always hated me, but I didn't know you hated me this much."

Meredith looked to meet her eyes, an angry flush beginning to colour her cheeks.

"Derek won't even look at me. And now, with Mark?"

"You think it's _my_ fault that Derek won't look at you? You really think that's all that went wrong with your relationship?"

Addison opened her mouth to speak, but Meredith interrupted.

"And do you seriously think that I was making out with Mark just to piss you off? Do you think I planned it so that you would walk in right then? Did you think I would do that to him?" she demanded.

"What him?" asked Addison.

"I slept with your husband exactly once," said Meredith, ignoring Addison's question. "And then I stopped. And he left me. So you don't get to call me a whore."

Addison crossed her arms and stared down at the blonde.

"Mark and Derek were always so fascinated with you. They thought you were perfect. They wanted nothing more than to protect you. They thought they could keep you from ever getting hurt. I guess they didn't know how capable you are of hurting _them_."

Meredith watched in amazement as fifteen years of resentment poured out of her immaculately made up lips.

"You always hated me. You always thought I was taking them both away from you. It used to scare me, too. I thought you could take them away from me. They never knew it, but they both spent years waiting for you to grow up. They've always been battling for your heart. Didn't you ever wonder why no one was ever good enough for you?

"This would kill Derek. He's infatuated with you. He only stayed with me out of guilt. I knew that, I thought he would get over it and we'd go back to what we were. But Mark? It was bad enough when I did it, this will..."

"This is different."

"How?"

"Because I'm not doing it to hurt Derek!" she all but yelled. Addison cast an uneasy glance over the all but empty hallway. She looked back into Meredith's eyes, surprised by the emotion she found there.

"Are you in love with him?" she asked.

* * *

"Dr. Montgomery?" 

Addison glanced up and vaguely noticed the surprise in Alex Karev's eyes. She imagined how she looked right then-wild, angry, unkempt. Filled with a secret that could finally bring Meredith Grey back to the ground, off the pedestal.

Unconsciously, she always had wanted to see her walk on the ground with the rest of the mere mortals.

"What is it, Dr. Karev?" she asked stiffly.

"You okay?"

She saw genuine concern shining out of his eyes and realized she'd accomplished her original mission: finally he was looking like he actual felt.

"I'm fine."

He cautiously touched her arm.

"No, you're not."

They stopped abruptly in the middle of the empty hallway.

"No, I guess I'm not." His eyebrows raised, prompting her to continue. "I mean, I always knew she was a little in love with my husband, but what did I care? He was perfect. But she was nine. I never thought he'd fall in love with her, too. That they both would."

"Meredith?" asked Alex incredulously.

"You might just be the only person in this entire hospital that doesn't know the story off by heart. Lucky you."

"What happened, Addison?" he asked. She realized that it was the first time he'd called her by her name. At another time, she would have read in to it.

"I guess they never going to see her as anything besides perfect, are they? I just can't win."

"Is Mer sleeping with your husband?"

She looked up and met his eyes. He had intense eyes, she realized. He hid it well, but he had eyes that made you want to talk to him.

"That would be too easy." She paused. "With Mark."

Alex cursed under his breath.

"Sloan? He's sleeping with my roommate."

"Not any more. I'm guessing. She's kind of high maintenance," joked Addison.

"This is going to kill Izzie."

"Then I'm sorry I had to tell you," she said. Alex looked around the still vacant hall.

"Is this a problem because you're in love with him?" asked Alex.

"No. It's a problem because she's about to rip out the heart of the man I love, one way or the other."

As tears began to trickle out of Addison's eyes, Alex sighed and walked around to face her. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in to him, held her until she relaxed in his arms and let her tears soak the shoulder of his scrub top.

"She was a bridesmaid at my wedding," said Addison tearfully, as if this hurt her more than the rest.

"Yeah?"

"She was supposed to be my little sister, too."

Powered by a sympathetic force he didn't understand, Alex comfortingly kissed her hair and waited while she gradually calmed herself into silence.

* * *

Izzie was shocked by the genuine smile that Alex gave her when he came across her doing paperwork. 

"How're you doing?" he asked sympathetically.

"Why do you ask?" she asked suspiciously. He shrugged.

"O'Malley was... I heard you had a bad date," he explained. She nodded.

"Mark kind of blew me off," she admitted. Alex raised his eyebrows.

"_You?" _ he asked incredulously. She blushed, looking flattered.

"I never know what to expect from him. I mean sometimes it seems like we might actually have something and other times..."

"Do you ever worry that he's cheating on you?" asked Alex carefully.

"I don't know that it would even be cheating," she said, looking surprised. "Why?"

Alex shrugged uncomfortably.

"What, I'm not allowed to get protective? We're living together, Iz."

She laughed.

"Good thing I don't get protective. I wouldn't be able to keep track."

Alex smiled, an image of the redhead he wasn't sleeping with floating through his mind.

She returned his smile, still looking surprised.

"So now are you going to ruin this pleasant exchange with a sexist, demeaning quip?" she asked.

"If you want." He paused. "You know, next time after you come home from a bad date, keep in mind that O'Malley doesn't have the only open bed."

She rolled her eyes and walked down the hall, full expecting his eyes to follow her and not noticing when they did not.

* * *

Derek smiled at Addison as she entered his trailer. A practiced, emotionless smile. 

"How was your day?" he asked, as she reached the bed, leaned down to brush a kiss on his lips. A married kiss, not a kiss of passion.

She stared at him. She was still amazed he'd taken her back, but even she knew he'd only done it out of commitment and was doomed to fail, whether or not he returned to his mistress.

It was strange to think of small, perfect Meredith Grey as a dirty mistress. Something of a relief, but strange none the less.

"Addy?" he asked, his voice a question. She forced a smile onto her face.

She knew his face would fall if she told him, that he'd probably never be able to get the image out of his head, but she couldn't tell him. He wouldn't be able to hate Meredith. He'd only hate the bearer of the news. He'd only hate her.

"It was fine," she said, her forced smile still present. She sat down on the bed and found his hand, broke contact with the eyes that were always searching for _her._

* * *

"Some day soon I'm going to take you on a real date," promised Mark, as he ran his hands up and down her arms. 

"I'd like that," she said. "I remember a time not so long ago when we could talk to each other for hours without the overwhelming need to rip each other's clothes off."

They were standing at the foot of her bed, his back to it.

"How much do you miss it?" he asked, smiling dangerously at her.

"Sometimes not so much."

He leaned down to kiss her. As their kiss intensified he grasped her by the waist and lifted her upwards and her legs wrapped around him. They fell backward onto the bed.

He broke their kiss and looked down at her, her expectant, smiling face.

"What?" she asked.

"How did it go with Addison?" he asked. Meredith, pinned under his weight, made a gesture vaguely akin to a shrug.

"About as well as is to be expected. I don't think she'll tell Derek."

Mark nodded, wondering if this was all that mattered.

"I'm guessing she's not your biggest fan right now?"

"She said..." Meredith paused. "That you thought I was perfect. That both of you did. That you've been waiting for years for me to grow up."

Mark leaned down to kiss her, once again filled with the need to be near her, to touch her, to be reminded that she truly was here, with him.

"You are perfect."

She giggled skeptically as she wrapped her arms around his neck and his lips traveled down her throat.

He broke away one more time, looked intensely into her eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his voice husky and low.

She reached a hand up and ran her fingers through his short dark hair, then down onto his cheek.

"You. Only you," she promised.

That, right there, was the answer to the paradox that Mark and Derek had been silently struggling over for so many years. And right then, Mark needed nothing more than to hear it.

And right then, it was enough.

* * *

Author's note: Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been experiencing a wee bit of writer's block. Here's hoping I get out of it soon! 


	32. Are You Ready?

Chapter Thirty-Two: Are You Ready?

Meredith swished around a mouthful of Listerine before spitting it out into the sink and washing her hands under the water running out of the tap. She glanced in the mirror, started when she realized she was being watched.

"What?" she asked suspiciously, when Mark ventured further into the room from his position in the doorway.

"Just watching you."

They continued to make eye contact in the mirror. Standing directly behind her, there was enough difference in their heights that he could look easily over her head.

"You got up early," he observed. She smiled.

"I have a job. I have things to do besides sleep in on call rooms and seduce interns," she said playfully.

"I'm glad. I wouldn't want you seducing other interns," he teased. She rolled her eyes.

"You know, you're lucky you're so pretty," she said in despair.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, because you have the fragilest ego I've ever encountered," she said, walking out of the room. He watched her go, his eyes running up and down her frame as she went.

"You think I'm pretty," he taunted after her.

"Someone's got to!"

* * *

"Why is he driving her car?" 

Addison Shepherd followed her husband's eyes and sighed. She had a very good idea of why Mark was driving Meredith's beat up Jeep into work, but couldn't think of a good way to lie about it.

"I thought we talked about this," she muttered.

He glanced at her, instantly guilt ridden. They had talked about it, many times. The idea of him giving up on the idea of Meredith.

She sighed again, this time impatiently as he slowed down his pace in an obvious attempt to wait for them. She shifted her gaze to Meredith and Mark and noticed for their first time a thousand different things that were almost invisible. How their hands grazed as they walked, as if their bodies were unused to being so separate. How her laughter rang clear and true before she stifled it, as if in fear of being caught. How they walked too closely in unconscious possession of each other. How his eyes lingered on her for just a moment too long.

Addison would have infinitely preferred pretending to not see them, but they had reached each other and it was unavoidable. They stood in a perfect square, each standing on a point.

"Hey Mer," said Derek, smiling at her. Both Addison and Mark flinched slightly at the easy dropping of her nickname, which seemed to be such an intimacy when it came from his lips.

"Hey Derek."

Addison was glad she didn't call him _Der._

"How's Doc?" he asked. "Finn?"

Flinches all around.

"Doc is good. He's a handful. Finn is good too. Less of a handful."

"You'll have to come around sometime. He'd like running around," said Derek. "Doc. Not Finn."

Meredith nodded, now staring down at her shoes. Addison arbitrarily calculated how long it would be before Mark and Meredith would once again find themselves in an on call room, a supply closet, a stairwell, ripping each other's clothes off.

"You two aren't going back to New York, then?" she asked.

Mark smiled, remembering when she'd begged him to do the same.

"Maybe soon."

"Definitely not," said Derek, countering his wife's voice. Meredith glanced up in interest at Addison's reaction.

Addison and Derek continued their walk down the path to the hospital. Mark watched them go, glad they had not asked the next awkward question: _How's Izzie?_

He looped an arm around her and she nestled her head into his shoulder, suddenly neither of them caring who was watching.

"We've become one incestuous quartet," he joked, as they began to follow Addison and Derek.

Derek took one last backward glance toward them and saw a sight that pained him: their arms around each other, speaking intimately, no longer bothered by the exchange.

He looked sideways at his tall, erect wife, her skin paler than it usually was, her expression hard. He took her hand. He knew he didn't have the right to feel the pain anymore.

* * *

When Meredith entered the locker room moments later, after some longing looks and some covert groping that had clearly illustrated that Mark had only come to work to ravish her in any available dark corner. 

Cristina was throwing up into the bathroom, the door open. She was far beyond caring. George and Izzie were speaking in urgent whispers, Alex immediately glared at her but she didn't bother to analyze this.

She technically knew that being an intern and spending her nights with a man like Mark was not a good idea, but she wasn't inclined to stop.

With a sigh, she walked over to the bathroom and held Cristina's hair away from her face.

She straightened a moment later, wiped her mouth with a tissue and intently studied the dark circles under her friend's eyes. Meredith looked away, imagining that Cristina knew everything that was going through her mind.

Cristina scoffed.

"Come on, I already know you got laid last night. I just wished you'd tell me who. I'm pregnant, I deserve pity," she said.

Meredith turned her back on her and walked toward the lockers.

"I cannot wait until six months are over and you have to stop using that excuse."

"Four months."

Meredith smiled as Bailey came into the room.

"Karev, you're with Addison Shepherd. O'Malley you're with Burke, Stevens you stick with me. Yang..." Bailey glanced up from a chart and assessed her intern. "You can do pit."

"What?" demanded Cristina.

"You just spent half an hour throwing up, clearly you didn't sleep last night. Scut." She turned to Meredith. "Someone's popular."

Meredith ran through her head what this could mean-Addison, wanting to subject her to rectal exams till the end of time, Richard, wanting to keep an eye out for potential heartbreaks, Derek, deciding that he was really warming up to the whole Dirty Mistress concept.

It was none of these things. Meredith apprehensively followed Bailey's instruction.

"Hello Dr. Webber."

Ellis Webber turned around and smiled slightly, apparently amused at the sight of her grown up daughter calling her by her title.

"Dr. Grey. If you'll follow me?"

Meredith nodded, not followed by the smile still playing around her mother's lips. The two of them walked down the corridor to an empty conference room, and Ellis motioned for Meredith to sit. She remained standing by the door, watching her daughter with a mixture of sadness and pity.

"I guess I don't really have a leg to stand on here, do I?" she asked.

"Mom?" asked Meredith in surprise. Ellis inched forward, as if to sit down beside her daughter.

"I mean mine wasn't an attending when I was a resident, but it was still a colleague."

Meredith blushed as she realized where this was going. "Mom, Derek and I, we're not..."

Ellis laughed slightly, as if the idea were preposterous to her.

"Derek? Oh honey, I know. I know you're not sleeping with Derek. I don't want to talk about Derek. We're here to talk about Mark."

* * *

"Mom , I don't know what..." 

Ellis hushed her. Not in an impatient, rude way, but in a way that instantly made Meredith feel like she was twelve years old again and getting told off.

"I've worked in this hospital for almost thirty years. I'm married to its Chief of Surgery, and I've been a mother to both you and Mark. Which come to think of it sounds disgusting right now, but you couldn't honestly have believed you would be able to get this one past me?" she asked her daughter. Meredith shrugged.

"I thought we were being stealthy."

Ellis laughed at the ridiculousness of this statement.

"This is a hospital. Everyone knows everyone's business. Who else knows?" she asked, matter of factly.

"Addison," she admitted. Ellis sighed.

"Is there any reason at all for her to keep it in?"

"She hasn't told Derek. If she'd told Derek, I'd know about it."

"Because Mark would be dead?"

"Something like that," agreed Meredith.

Ellis finally sat on the chair beside her.

"Only you could be the one to take those two men away from Addison after so long," said Ellis, her voice sounding almost impressed.

"I haven't."

"Which haven't you? The one who's sleeping with you or the one who spends all his time longingly staring at you?" asked Ellis, sounding incredulous. Meredith shrugged.

"Do you ever have these problems with Sammie?"

"I'm _never_ going to have these problems with Sammie."

Meredith laughed appreciatively.

"Are you going to... do something?" she asked apprehensively.

"What, tell your father? Not a good idea. I doubt a stern lecture would get in the way of Mark's desires anyway. Just a hunch. All I can do is tell you that this is a bad idea."

Meredith nodded. She knew that.

"Mark's infamous. You've always known it. You started hearing stories about his exploits when you were twelve. If you're doing it to get back at Derek..."

"I'm _not._"

"Then tell him. You have to find out whether or not Mark is ready to truly commit to you."

Meredith noticed how uncomfortable her mother was looking, and abruptly got up. She realized that throughout her childhood she'd gone almost always to Mark or to Derek with her problems, and Izzie when she got older, now to Cristina.

She looked up and realized her mother had left, silently and without judgment.

Head still spinning from the surprising interview, her head unclear, she wasn't aware enough to notice the sole moving figure in the otherwise empty hall. They collided. He put his hands on his upper arms, and when she looked up she realized it was Derek.

"Oh. Hey," she said guiltily, sure he could read every thought running through her head.

"Are you okay?" he asked. She nodded, hurriedly. "Do you want to talk?"

"About what?" she snapped. "The relationship that never was?"

He frowned, suddenly looking tragic and pitiable. Meredith found herself remembering how deeply she'd wanted him for so long.

"Are you really okay?"

He pulled her toward an empty stairwell. She leaned against the metal railing and allowed him to stare at her.

"Stop acting like you're my boyfriend."

This was another of those things that made Derek look like a sad puppy, and it abruptly made Meredith resentful.

"How's Addison?" she asked.

He ran a hand through his moussed hair and continued to watch her, annoyance evident on her face, her arms crossed over her scrubs. Abruptly he moved toward her, put his hands on either side of her on the railing. His lips on her lips, his hands on her body. Her arms fell, wrapped around him and pulled him closer.

His touch on her was desperate, as if he feared he'd never get to do it again. Full of longing, full of how much he'd missed her. She responded to it with the same desperation, so addicted to being wanted by him.

She pulled him away, pushed him off of her.

"God, stop it. I can't do this with you."

He slowly came back, put his hand on her waist.

"Why not?" he asked, his breath short.

"You're married. And I'm..."

"You're what?" The hurt already evident in his eyes.

"Seeing someone."

"Finn?"

Meredith shook her head emphatically. She liked Finn, the hurt look in his eyes as she'd broken up with him had hurt her, as well. Even without Derek in her life the thought of having something real with him was impossible.

"From the hospital?"

"Stop."

His lips descended onto hers again, but he pulled away before she did.

"I love you. I need you in my life, Mer. It's not working with Addison. I want to be with you. I _need_ to be with you."

These words poured out of his mouth for once without any heed of what harm they could cause. She ran, leaving him alone in the stairwell with his desperation.

* * *

Author's note: So I don't know if alerts are actually working. I guess I'll know when I see whether or not any of you have actually read this? Have fun, anyway. 


	33. Nothing Here Worth Saving

Chapter Thirty-Three: Nothing Here Worth Saving

Meredith was amazed and secretly relieved when a month went by without Derek making any more claims. She was also amazed that in that month Mark moved neither forward nor backward with their relationship, but still had yet to be discovered by anyone besides Addison.

"Hey Iz," she greeted her friend the next morning, wondering what Izzie would do if she had known that Meredith had spent the night with Izzie's boyfriend.

"Hey. How's it going?" asked Izzie. Meredith paused and was relieved when Cristina entered.

"The baby kicks now. And Burke wants to get a new place."

"Really?"

Excitedly, Izzie moved forward to put her hands on Cristina's stomach and was not scared off even with Cristina's warning glare.

"Not enough room?" asked Meredith.

"Come on, I'm not _that _big," she joked. "Yeah. Apparently babies need back yards and staircases."

Meredith eyed Cristina's growing stomach, now impossibly concealed in her scrubs.

"Stop that," commanded Cristina, noting Meredith's gaze. "I have to wear the size small bottoms and size large tops. It's awkward."

Meredith rolled her eyes and sighed in relief when Izzie finally left. Cristina appraised her.

"You get laid again last night?" she asked casually. Meredith nodded.

"You might as well tell me who it is. I should get to live vicariously through you."

"But you don't."

* * *

Unsuspecting, Izzie walked down the hall and into the room of her first patient. 

"Good morning, Mr. Duqette," she said, entering the room and glancing at him.

"Damn," he said appreciatively. "I should get transplants more often."

Izzie blushed.

"I'm Dr. Stevens. We just need to run you through some tests, and..."

"Please, call me Denny," he said, holding out his hand.

"All right, Denny. I'm Izzie." She shook his hand.

"Want to tell me about yourself, Izzie? It's only fair, seeing as you know everything about me."

"Not everything. Just that you're thirty-seven, that you had your first transplant six years ago, that your blood type is O negative."

"See?"

Izzie sighed theatrically and sat down in a chair by his bed.

"Fine. Isobel Stevens, twenty-seven. Intern at Seattle Grace Hospital. Went to Dartmouth. No heart transplants."

"Blood type?"

"Girl's got to be mysterious."

Denny laughed.

"Boyfriend?"

Izzie shrugged, wondering how to put a label on her relationship with Mark.

"Yeah. I guess."

"You guess? What's wrong with him?"

"Lots of things."

"Come on, tell me. Television isn't working," he said.

"I think he's in love with someone else. An intern, actually. We lived together all through medical school. She's pretty much my best friend," admitted Izzie.

"Does he know he's in love with her?"

"I'm pretty sure they're sleeping together."

* * *

"Come on, tell me." 

Derek Shepherd sighed and continued to change into his work clothes, ignoring his wife.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Addison sighed dramatically.

"You do, too. Something's wrong. Come on, remember how we used to share?"

"That was when I was the only one you shared with," he retorted.

Addison turned away, annoyed that he managed to bring Mark into everything.

"Then this is about Meredith, isn't it?" she questioned, knowing the answer already.

* * *

"So he's sleeping with your best friend. Why the hell are you still sleeping with him?" 

Izzie stared into Denny's eyes, amazed by the calm tone of his voice and his interest in her affairs.

"It's not fair. She was too much of a coward to do it, and I got there first. And now she's winning anyway."

Denny considered this.

"This happened before? You and her, the same guy?"

Izzie considered this-strictly, it was far from the truth. Her and Meredith, throughout medical school and before, had each had several relationships, several flings, but neither had ever been attracted to the same guy.

"Meredith gets everything," began Izzie, speaking slowly and carefully. "There's something about her that men are drawn to, like they need to save her or something. Like she's fragile and needs protecting. And then there's my best friend, George."

"I thought she was your best friend?"

"Sort of. We're only really close because she and George grew up together and we all lived together during med school."

Denny nodded.

"They met when they were both about eleven. George has been crazy about her ever since, but she never really caught on. They slept together when they were seventeen, she blew him off the next day and broke his heart and still she didn't catch on. And it's pretty much been the same ever since."

"So what's the story with her and your boyfriend?" asked Denny. She shot him a look. "What? I'm stuck here, but afterward you're never going to see me again so how does it matter?"

"She's known him since she was a child. He and his best friend have sort of been her big brothers, but then he came back and noticed he was in love with her at the same time as the other one, and it's been pretty crazy since."

"So let's get back to the original question, because you pretty much avoided it. Why are you still with him?"

Izzie sighed, wishing she didn't have to admit it to herself.

"Because I'm falling for him."

* * *

Addison stared at Derek as he quickly retreated toward the OR floor, purposely and obviously avoiding her, easily ignoring the hurt looks she'd been sending all morning and all night, ever since he'd come home almost a month ago with a hurt look on his face. A hurt look that clearly had been caused by his ex-mistress. 

At first she'd been inclined to think that it had been that he'd discovered her relationship with Mark, but she knew by now that there would have been more carnage. Much more.

About to go off to find Alex, to pour her heart out to him or alternately to offer him a surgery, she turned around and went off on a much more proactive search.

* * *

"I was hoping that you'd fall in love with me, but I guess I'll have to fight him for it first." 

Izzie laughed at the ridiculousness of Denny's statement.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. Anyone else I should know about? I like to be prepared," he joked.

"I live with two guys. George and Alex. He doesn't even care. He goes crazy with jealousy at the idea of Meredith talking to Derek, or being near him, but he doesn't care about what I do."

"I do," said Denny helpfully.

"Yeah?"

"Oh, I'm jealous. Insanely jealous."

Izzie smiled.

"Thank you."

He smiled at her and caught the hand that was lying on the bed spread.

"Any time."

* * *

Meredith looked up in surprise when she realized Addison was waiting awkwardly in the door of the room. She knew it hadn't been a coincidence when she'd scrubbed in on none of Addison's surgeries in the past month, that they hadn't exchanged words, that Addison had mysteriously failed to show up to dinner at the Webber's. 

"Hey."

Addison nodded, vaguely responding to Meredith's greeting.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked nervously. Meredith nodded as Addison cautiously walked further into the room.

"It's Derek. He's been acting... I don't know. Did something... happen?" she asked nervously. Meredith folded her arms across her chest.

"Are you asking me if I'm sleeping with your husband?" she demanded.

"I'm hoping I don't have to."

Meredith bit back a retort and took a deep breath.

"Only the one time. If it isn't that you told him about me and Mark, I don't know what it is."

Meredith spoke this lie easily.

"I don't want to be on the receiving end of that. Then you two are still together?"

"That's none of your business," spat out Meredith, bitterly.

Addison looked down, knowing that they were. As she'd known already.

She abruptly left Meredith, found Derek almost immediately coming out of a patient's room. He stopped when he saw her, offered a semi-genuine smile.

"Tell me, Derek. I need to know. You can't keep cutting me out of your life. Please?"

Derek continued to walk down the hall, but she followed him anyway. Just as abruptly, he stopped and turned toward her.

"She wasn't a fling. She wasn't to hurt you. None of this matters, since she doesn't want to be with me, but I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

Addison stared at him, trying to absorb that though they had eleven years behind them, a marriage, a life, he was more than willing to throw it all away.

"And so you told her?" asked Addison. Derek nodded.

"Yeah. I told her."

* * *

Izzie smiled down at Denny as a nurse came to the room to prep him for surgery. 

"Give us a sec, will you?" she asked the nurse, who left.

"I'll be seeing you, Izzie Stevens," he said.

"Hope not," she joked.

"Right."

Taking a deep breath, she leaned down and kissed him.

She pulled away, smiled at him.

"What was that for?" he asked, his own lips crinkled into a smile.

"Just wanted to say thanks."

She quickly left the room and walked down the hall, not looking back as he was wheeled away for his transplant. She looked for Mark, filled with new resolve. Ready and eager to end things with him.

She found him exiting an OR. He smiled at her, automatically.

"How was your surgery?" she asked.

"Pretty straightforward. Yours?"

She shook her head.

"Didn't have one today. I spent most of today with the transplant recipient, Denny Duquette."

Izzie scanned his face, looking desperate for a reaction.

"Nice."

Resolve filled her again.

"Look Mark, I think that it's time for..."

He cut her off.

"I'm starving. Can I take you to dinner?" he asked hopefully. She stared into his entreating eyes, let his simple words wash over her. She was sure, for just a moment, that he was honestly thinking only of her.

Her resolve melted away, and right then all she wanted was to be desired.

"Yeah. Let me just get changed."

Izzie ran toward the locker room and by the time she arrived, was able to mention casually that she had a date. Was able to smile at Meredith as if they were still friends, was able to watch George stare at her and not want to punch him for it. Was able to even wonder vaguely where Alex was, what he could possibly be doing that kept him from fleeing work.

And by the time Mark arrived to take her out, she was able to pretend even to herself that they would have a nice evening, that they would go back to his hotel, that they'd rip each other's clothing off and above all, that he'd be thinking of her.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks for all your support, I think I'm done with my writer's block now. And next chapter is more exciting, I promise.

Some of you seem worried that I'm going to abandon this story. While it may at times take a while for me to update don't worry, I'm never going to give up on it till it's finished.


	34. Far Enough Just Wasn't Far Enough

Chapter Thirty-Four: Far Enough Just Wasn't Far Enough

When Mark awoke, he was surprised and slightly alarmed to find that Meredith had awoken before him, eased herself out of his arms and was sitting against the headboard and staring into space.

"You okay?" he asked. She looked at him, for a moment wishing desperately that she could pour out her troubles to him again. That she could tell him about Derek wanted her again, how troubling the notion was that she didn't want him back.

"I'm fine."

Mark propped himself up on his elbow, unconvinced.

"Did something happen?"

"Sort of. Addison asked me if I was sleeping with Derek." Meredith watched how Mark tensed, as if already waiting for bad news.

"Why did she think so?"

"Tension or whatever. I thought maybe she'd told Derek, but she didn't."

"It might be time for us to tell him," said Mark. Meredith glared at him. "It's been a few months now."

"It was hard enough for me to do that to you. I can't do it to him."

Silently, Mark wondered if she was just waiting for things to end without her having to end them, but he swiftly shook the thought away.

* * *

Mark managed to fall asleep again, and Meredith didn't awaken him before she left. He didn't arrive at the hospital for several more hours and when he did, his first action was to seek out Addison.

He found her quickly, in a nearly empty observation deck. He watched her from the doorway, remembering with surprise how desperately he'd wanted her, how much he'd been willing to give up for her, how easily he'd managed to stay away once he'd come back and found Meredith.

She looked up when he slid in beside her.

"Hey," she said.

"What the hell did you say to Meredith?" he demanded, his voice a harsh whisper. She stared, taken aback.

"Nothing. I asked her if something had happened between her and Derek."

She looked as insecurity flashed in his eyes.

"What did she say?"

"She lied."

Mark flinched slightly.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Addison stared at him. She'd promised herself that she'd be able to keep it inside herself, not throw it back at him.

"He told her he loved her," said Addison, breaking her promise.

"He said that?" demanded Mark, his voice no longer a whisper.

"Don't think that's all he said."

Mark continued to stare at her, his face going red in anger, at how helpless he felt against it.

"Stop it."

"Stop what? Why the hell does it matter what he says?" taunted Addison. "So he told her he loved her. You're the one who's screwing her."

As she spoke, Addison's eyes changed. Not to victory, to satisfaction, but to terror. She realized she'd spoken in not a whisper but a yell, and her eyes immediately turned to the surgeon who was finishing up his surgery in the OR.

Mark's eyes followed hers. And before she could react, before she could even move he was gone, gone to fix the mess they'd started.

Derek met him just outside the door to the stairwell, panting, out of breath, flushed with anger. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't make the words come out.

Mark knew that he didn't have the same right to anger, but the words came anyway.

"You told her you loved her?" demanded Mark, his face red.

"I kissed her, too," said Derek.

"Well, I fucking love her too."

"Please, all you're doing is fucking her."

This, Mark knew, was technically true, on paper, but couldn't be further than what was in his heart.

Mark's fist shot out, knocking the shorter man to the ground. Mark stared at him displayed there, as Derek had once done to him.

"She's slipping away, isn't she? Have you even told her?" Derek managed to say. He slowly got to his feet. Mark knew he could take him out, but also knew that it didn't matter.

"It must kill you, that I got there first. Again."

"That doesn't even matter anymore. We're happy. You left her, you ruined your shot. I never thought you would be able to, but you did."

"Sure you believe that?"

Mark couldn't find the words to explain how much he needed Meredith, how much she needed him, how much they completed each other.

"You're wrong for her. You don't love her. You love what you means. You could never really love her, you would only be using her. She's not a trophy you could stick on your mantel piece. She's a woman. She's..."

"Jesus, Derek. Who the hell are we even talking about?"

"What?"

"You're the one who used you. Come on, you and her were together for a single night, in a hospital of all places, before you cowardly went back to your wife. I know she's a woman. I knew when she was breaking her heart over you. You still haven't figured it out."

"You think she's not, anymore?"

This was all it took. Mark lunged, throwing Derek to the floor once again. Before he could throw another fist he was hauled off of him by strong arms. He shook him off, realizing it was Alex the intern and that Addison as well as Meredith was standing behind him.

He turned to meet eyes with Meredith, searching desperately for compassion in them. She crossed her arms.

"Alex, thanks. Derek, can you get the hell out of here?"

"Mer..."

"Go."

Alex, Addison and Derek vanished. Mark vaguely noticed that Alex put a comforting hand on Addison's arm as they went, but only really paid attention to Meredith. She dragged him into the stairwell behind them.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded.

"He knows."

"I gathered that."

"And I know, too."

Meredith stared at him, her anger almost getting the better of her.

"Know what?"

"He told me, Meredith. About how he told you he loved you. About how he kissed you."

"What about it?" she asked.

"Don't I have a right to know?"

Meredith groaned in frustration.

"No, actually, you don't. You know why? Because we can't pretend like this is a real relationship. Like you don't get into Izzie's bed and then slink off into mine. So even if I did kiss Derek, even if I did fuck him, what the hell right do you have to complain?" she demanded.

"That's different."

"How? Because you don't care about Izzie? Even if that's true, you're still an ass! Even more so, because she's falling for you and you're letting her! You know Mark I've always seen the best in you but right now I just can't find it."

Meredith had always been the only person to always find good in him, but without this image of his better self he felt he could not find it, either.

"Mer-Bear..."

"Don't. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not just something you two can fight over. I'm done."

"Done?"

"I'm out. It's too much."

He caught her wrist as she turned to go, searched desperately for words to make her stay. He said the only words that came to him, words that he hoped expressed how much he'd longed for her for so long.

"You know, I have to figure at one point or another there was a day I didn't think of you, that I didn't wonder if you'd appear around a corner and suddenly be in my arms. And we'd be together, finally, and you would see me and everything would be okay. But if there was a day like that, I sure as hell don't know when."

She took a breath, wrenched her wrist out of his grasp.

He watched as she ran, as if she was answering a page or saving a life. As she ran away from the life she couldn't handle, into the life she could.


	35. Lift You Up and Take You Out of Here

Chapter Thirty-Five: Lift You Up and Take You Out of Here

Mark slept uneasily.

He had not, as Meredith had predicted, gone to Izzie. He went home alone. He reasoned that at the very least it was easier to be him right then than it was to be Derek. Mark doubted that Addison would react well to the latest events. Even less well than Meredith had.

He reflected that Meredith was not actually an ideal bedmate. She snored, though he could sleep through it. She was an occasional blanket hog. She inevitably woke up earlier than him to go to work, and could rarely be persuaded to stay for a quickie (though later on at work was a different story.)

He knew it was insane that he'd been caught then, of all times, after countless trysts at the hospital, after so many hours spent together outside of it.

Mark had never told her, but he'd wanted to tell Derek. Not to gloat, but to let it out into the open. He was tired of hiding.

Part of him wished Meredith had come moments earlier to hear him tell Derek that he loved her. Derek hadn't believed him, but Meredith would have.

This thought calmed him, and suddenly he knew what to do.

* * *

Meredith slept uneasily. 

It had been so... weird. So amazingly surreal, that the two of them were fighting not for Addison but for her. Something Addison had said, months ago, sprang back to her. Something about the two of them always having been in a silent battle for her heart. Though Mark's feeling about her, from when she had been a child and told him everything to now, had always been clear, she'd never been sure of what Derek was thinking.

She hugged a pillow to her chest and wished that she still lived with Izzie and George and that she could sneak into George's bed as she'd once done. She wondered if they still did it with Alex around, and realized sadly that though they saw each other constantly she had no idea what their lives were like.

And they had no idea about hers.

She knew that as soon as Izzie found out about her and Mark she'd be furious, even if on some level she knew already. She also knew that George, ever jealous of her relationships, would side with her at least in the beginning.

With a groan she realized that by now, Derek and Mark's fight would be all over the hospital and that her parents would know all about it. Somehow she didn't think Richard would take well to the news, even though Ellis had.

She thought in distaste of having to see them all tomorrow, and in particular Mark and Derek. Abruptly, she longed for the days when they hadn't even thought of wanting her.

* * *

Meredith was relieved the next morning when she arrived for work and only Cristina was waiting for her, and not George and Izzie. 

"Hey," said Cristina, looking surprisingly calm. Meredith cautiously sat down beside her, wondering if she'd heard.

"How are you?"

"Good, actually. Less morning sickness. Burke and I found a new place, finally. He's doing good," said Cristina.

"Burke?" questioned Meredith.

Cristina blushed.

"The baby. How are you."

Meredith's face fell, instantly, and Cristina recognized this before Meredith could fix it.

"Just tell me," she said in exasperation.

Meredith breathed deeply.

"It's Mark."

"What?"

"Mark is who I'm sleeping with. For months. Non stop. And now Derek knows and Addison knows and Mark and I are over and I miss him and I need him in my life and I was an idiot about Derek and it's all just..."

Cristina stared in amazement at her outburst.

"You're going to need to slow down."

"It started a few months ago, after I slept with Derek but wasn't really with him. He basically said that it wasn't that I was unattainable, it was that he just hasn't attained me yet." Meredith reflected that this was sexist and wrong, and she immediately wished she hadn't told Cristina.

"Seriously? He said that."

"I know. Isn't that so weird?"

"Actually the word I was going to use was hot..."

Meredith had secretly thought so too.

"And he kissed me again, the night that Derek left the house. And then I dated Derek for a little while and then he left me, and Mark found me the night of and it just _happened._"

"Was it good?" asked Cristina. Meredith looked sideways at her.

"Every time."

They immediately quieted as Izzie, George and Alex entered. By the friendly smile Izzie sent her Meredith knew that the events weren't yet public knowledge but she also knew that one more person would know, and she couldn't keep waiting.

* * *

Richard Webber looked up and sighed when his step-daughter entered his office and cautiously closed the door behind her. 

"Sit down, Dr. Grey," he invited. She frowned.

"Have you heard?"

"The whole hospital will have heard by lunch time, Meredith. If this was any other hospital you'd be kicked out of the program. You'd be lucky if I didn't put you on probation," he said.

"Daddy..."

He looked up at her whining use of the title. Though she'd most often called him Richard, throughout the twenty years he'd known her she'd far from rarely referred to him as her father.

"Don't try that. You lied to me, to your mother."

Meredith decided that it wasn't the time to say that her mother knew already.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. Like with you and Mom," she said. He frowned, already having knowing that she'd try and back him into that corner.

"That was different. And don't try and tell me it's not. I can't be having this in my hospital."

"Are you asking me to end things with both of them?" she asked. Richard took off his glasses and fiddled with them, already far past uncomfortable.

"No. I know better. I'm just asking you to choose."

Meredith's gaze fell to her lap, and she watched her hands wringing together as if she had no control over them.

"Don't worry." She paused. "I've made my choice."

* * *

Mark didn't arrive at the hospital until he knew Meredith's shift was over and when he did, he didn't waste time in finding her. 

Meredith changed into her outdoor clothes, ran a brush through her hair and congratulated herself on her ability to avoid Derek and Addison for the whole day. Izzie came in and cheerily wished her a good night and she wondered how much long the friendship would exist to her.

Having turned down an invitation to dine with her family, she left the hospital out of the main entrance. Shivering slightly in the cold, she remembered the many scenes that had taken place where she stood.

"Meredith!"

Instantly she was relieved that the voice was Mark's and not Derek's.

"Mark. Please, I can't deal with you right now," she said in exasperation. She slowly turned around.

"Well, you're going to have to."

"What?"

"Did you talk to Derek today?" he demanded. She shook her head. "Right."

"What do you want?"

"I ended things with Izzie."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted you to see that I want more than what we've been doing."

She stopped, stared at him. Her mouth was open slightly in shock and suddenly she looked scared, and young.

"Derek kissed me. I didn't..."

"I know. Can you let me say it?"

"Say what?"

Mark paused, and she knew that for at least that moment he was forsaking his Mark Sloanness in favour of her, in favour of the life he wanted to begin with her, and somehow it was infinitely endearing.

"I love you, Mer-Bear. I always have. I love that after twenty years of putting up with my crap you still believe that I'm a good person. I even love that you never realized how much it killed me to hear you talk about Derek."

He stepped closer to her.

"We've been apart too long. The only thing I've ever liked about being apart from you is that when we stopped being apart you'd always let me hold you. Twirl you around. It was the only way I knew how to show you how much I'd missed you."

"But you love Addison. You've always loved Addison," she said desperately.

"I did. Not anymore."

"And I love Derek. I'm supposed to love Derek."

"Supposed to?"

She cleared her throat as he took another step toward her.

"He loves me. He told me so. He wants to be with me."

"But you don't want to be with him, do you?" asked Mark persistently.

She stared at him.

"I'll never leave you. I'll never lead you on. I'll never choose anyone over you. I'll never, ever break your heart."

She nodded. She knew that already.

"You'd better not..."

Mark's eyes widened in surprise as she took the last step toward him. He tilted her chin up to meet her eyes, and, while his stared into her own in shock, she kissed him.

* * *

Author's note: The story is getting closer to done, but is not done yet. Thanks for all your amazing reviews. 


	36. Run From the Memory

Chapter Thirty Six: Run From the Memory

"_A girl could get used to this."_

_Derek glanced up briefly and smiled at Meredith before his hand moved to her scrub pants, deftly undoing the tie and sighing in relief when they slid down and she slipped out of them. _

_He grasped her waist and turned them around so that her back and not his was pressed up against the wall of the elevator._

"_I thought we had rules against this," she said, as his lips slid down her neck._

"_Screw the rules."_

_His lips moved back up to cover her mouth. She wrapped her leg around his waist and pulled their bodies closer together._

_Moments later the mood changed from playful to intense, and he hurriedly undid his own scrub bottoms. _

"_I can't believe we're doing this here," she said, glancing around at the four metal walls._

"_Couldn't resist."_

_He stared at her, stopping for a moment to take it all in. He kissed her, let his hands roam her naked form._

"_God, I've waited so long for this..."_

_He plunged inside of her. He met her eyes for one moment as he moved, rhythmically._

"_I love you," she murmured, tilting back her head and letting her eyes slide shut. He kissed her neck._

"_I love you, too."_

* * *

Derek was awoken by an alarm. He groaned and quickly covered himself with a pillow when he noticed Addison watching him. 

Sighing, she moved further away from him in the small trailer and waited for him to get up with her back turned.

As he sat up he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror: of the shiner over his eye, of his sleep deprived eyes, the two day's worth of growth on his jaw.

And written all across his features, the terrifying realization that once again, the love of his life had chosen Mark over him.

For the thousand time in the last two days the image of them together flashed before his eyes. He forced it out and went to Addison.

"Sleep well?" he asked.

"Maybe better than you."

Addison abruptly turned away and moved toward the shower.

"Addison, come on."

She turned around.

"You told me you were going to try to get over it, Derek. You promised me."

"I am trying," said Derek.

"Trying? By punching her boyfriend in the hallway and telling the world that you're in love with her?" demanded Addison.

"He never said boyfri... I'm sorry. He just gets under my skin."

Addison sighed, wishing that it was because of her.

"It's actually kind of convenient. Ties it all up nicely," she said sarcastically.

"What?"

"No they're both sleeping with other people, specifically each other, it at least takes them out of the picture."

Derek dropped back onto the bed and buried his face in his hands.

"How long ago did you find out?" he asked abruptly, looking up. She sighed and leaned against a counter. He frowned, knowing he was on the cusp of learning something he didn't want to learn. "How long, Addison?"

* * *

Meredith was reminded of the first morning as she awoke, because what they'd experienced the night before had been so new. But it was better, less confusing, less terrifying. Less filled with the certainty that she'd made a mistake. 

Noticing her stirring in his arms, he kissed her forehead.

"I missed you," she said abruptly.

"Mer we broke up for like, a day," he said, laughing.

"I know. Bad day." She ran her hand along the muscled arm she was resting on.

"Couldn't agree more."

She turned around in his arms so they were facing each other.

"Did Izzie take it well?" she asked nervously.

He shrugged.

"No. But she said she knew I'd been cheating on her, so maybe she won't be mad at you," he said hopefully.

"I didn't think you two were in enough of a relationship for this to be considered cheating," she said, moving out of his arms.

"We weren't really dating." He paused. "Because you always meant so much more to me and I couldn't get past it."

"So you want me to be your... girlfriend?" she asked hesitantly. He pulled her back into his arms.

"No."

"Oh," she said, feeling disappointed.

"I want you to be my wife. But I'm thinking you're not ready for that yet, so I guess we'll date first," he said.

"Oh."

"Dating's fun. We can have sleepovers and everything."

"Have sex a lot, to prove that it wasn't just fluke?" she suggested. He kissed her head.

"Oh, you can pretty much count on that."

She giggled and rolled on top of him.

"We have to tell my parents. Well they know, but we have to do it officially. But hey, at least my father's Chief of Surgery so you don't have to do it twice," she said.

"I know. I'm so grateful," he said sarcastically. "Though, I was looking forward to telling my boss that I was sleeping with his daughter in official and not personal capacity."

"Shame."

She leaned down, kissed him.

"Tell me about it."

* * *

"This is un-_freaking_ believable," said Izzie flatly, banging George's door open. 

"Oh. Hey, Izzie," he said in embarrassment, looking between her and Callie, who was with him in bed.

"Hey Callie."

Callie half rose, meeting George's glance in amazement.

"Hey, Izzie."

"Seriously. What is it with that girl? What's so amazing about her that it just makes men lose their minds?"

"Who?" asked George in confusion.

"Meredith!"

Callie stood up.

"I think I should just go."

Izzie glanced at her in annoyance, but didn't retort.

"You do get that I was busy?" demanded George, as Izzie walked over to lie on his bed. She scoffed.

"I just got dumped, and you can't take five minutes out of your sex time?" she asked.

"Wait, Mark dumped you?"

"For Meredith. _Meredith_!"

"He said that?"

"No, not specifically," admitted Izzie.

"When you went in to this, you pretty much told him that it was okay he was in love with her and not you," reminded George.

"So not helpful right now."

"Got it."

"You get that that's _everybody_ now? Cristina and Burke, Addison and Derek, Mark and Meredith, you and Callie."

"You forgot Alex," said George helpfully.

"Alex never has a problem with any of it."

"Going in, you knew it had to end like this. He's a jerk," said George vehemently.

"Just because Meredith likes him doesn't mean he's a jerk," she retorted. George rolled his eyes.

"I don't think he's a jerk because Meredith likes him."

Izzie smirked, already calmer.

"Sure you don't."

* * *

Burke watched in amazement as Cristina paced the length of their boxes filled apartment, her hand resting absently on her rounded stomach. As she opened her mouth as if to speak and then closed it. 

"Something wrong?" he asked eventually. She stopped abruptly.

"No, why would you think so?" she asked, her voice forcefully cheerful.

"No reason."

She continued her pacing and stopped several feet later, as if realizing she'd been doing it. She glanced suspiciously at him.

"Even if something is wrong, just because you're my boyfriend doesn't mean I have to tell you," she said. He smiled.

"Boyfriend? You're expecting my child, we're living together, and all I get is boyfriend?" he asked.

"There's not really a term for what we have."

He waited, and slowly she moved to sit beside him on the couch.

"If I do tell you, I'm going to be telling you as my... partner in life, not as my superior," she said firmly.

He folded his newspaper and raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Okay."

"It's about Meredith."

"And her McDreamy?" he guessed, smiling. Cristina frowned.

"No, actually. About... her McSteamy."

Burke stared at her, uncomprehending.

"Wait, Sloan? Meredith is sleeping with Sloan? I thought he was with Izzie."

"Apparently he didn't think as much of it as you seem to."

"That's what the fistfight was?" he asked.

"Guess so. Addison blew their cover."

Burke nodded, obviously caught amongst the intricacies of the situation.

"And uh, you're bothered by this?" he asked. Cristina shrugged and leaned against his arm, which he put around her shoulders.

"Sort of relieved, but it's going to get messy," explained Cristina. Burke chuckled.

"Bailey must be going insane. All of her interns, sleeping with attendings," he speculated. She scoffed.

"What, I'm carrying your child, we live together and all we're doing is "sleeping together?" she mocked.

"Well we could be. I'm far from adverse to it."

She laughed and swung her leg over to the other side of him.

"Better not get used to this. Once the baby comes we'll be way too busy changing diapers to have sex ever," she said, leaning in to kiss him.

"Which I'm guessing is my fault," he replied, eagerly kissing her back. She fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, smirking.

"Baby, just about everything right now is your fault," she teased.

* * *

Author's note: So some of you seem to think that the story is pretty much over now, which is not exactly true. I have three more chapters written, and I still have to attain more closure before I finish it off. 


	37. That's What I'm Waiting For

Chapter Thirty-Seven: That's What I'm Waiting For

"We could go out tonight."

Meredith looked at her boyfriend and frowned.

"What? I did promise I'd take you out one of these days," he reminded her.

"Yeah, but does it have to be tonight? I'm exhausted and probably smell gross. Can't we just go home, order take out and watch the Office?" she asked.

"Okay for one thing, you smell amazing. And for another, we're supposed to be dating right now. Not married and boring."

She laughed. Though it had been a few weeks since Mark and Derek's fight in the halls and they'd been together almost constantly since, their relationship had yet to take on a more serious, regimented path. Or a more public one.

Sighing, she thought of Izzie. Who had never exactly picked a fight with her, but who had managed to barely speak with her since her breakup with Mark. And of George, who somehow managed to ignore the obvious fact that Meredith was sleeping with Mark and had slept with Derek.

"It's going to be okay," he said, sensing her worry. She smiled and intertwined her hand with his.

"It hardly ever is," she said jokingly.

He stopped abruptly and she turned in to him and they kissed, slowly, outside of the entrance of the hospital for the world to see.

"Hey," he said, pulling away so that their faces were inches apart. "It will be okay. I promise."

She reached up and touched his cheek.

"You're so sweet. Like I always knew you could be," she said.

"You and no one else," he agreed. She kissed him again, he sighed and held her close to him. "I love you so much."

She took his hand and led him to her car. He pressed her up against as they reached it.

"So where to? Want to get some food? The Office?" he asked.

"We are going to be neither old nor boring tonight," she said flirtatiously.

* * *

Miles away, on a cramped bed in the back of a trailer in the middle of an otherwise empty field, Derek Shepherd was making love to his wife. 

Not, of course, that either would dare to address it as this. Even the mention of the word could be enough to send their fragile, newly rebuilt world tumbling to the ground it had rose up from.

It was not the first such encounter, nor would it be the last. It was far from the first time that Derek or Addison had mentioned at some point throughout the day that they should sleep together that night, or the next. It wasn't the first time that they had magically turned on their willingness for such activities and pretended like they were being intimate with Meredith, as was Derek's case. And Mark, as had been Addison's case until he'd been more recently placed with another man, one younger and more sincere.

As they finished and Derek bit his lip to keep himself from uttering his ex-mistress' name, Addison was at once desperately glad that Meredith was sleeping with Mark and no longer wanted her husband, that she'd at long last given up on her childhood fantasy, that her Joey Potter like addiction had finally been transferred to her Pacey.

Derek rolled off of her and onto the bed.

"Thank you," said Addison half-heartedly. Derek kissed her cheek.

"It'll get better," he said, half to himself.

* * *

"That was amazing." 

Mark looked sideways and smiled at the woman lying next to him, slightly flushed, breathing heavily, barely covered by her duvet.

"You were amazing."

She propped herself up on her elbow to lean over to kiss him again. He resisted the urge to tell her, again, how much in love with her he was, but she saw it in his eyes and smiled.

"Tell me a story," she said abruptly.

"What?" he asked in amusement.

"Seriously. Please?"

"How about the one where I scared away your vet boyfriend for ten years?" he suggested playfully. She rolled her eyes.

"Come on, you've got to have one better than that," she said.

He thought.

"You know, actually I do."

* * *

_New York, 1996_

_Meredith shrieked in alarm as strong arms wound around her and lifted her into the air. Her shriek turned to delight when Mark swung her around before setting her back down again._

"_I wish you'd stop that."_

_Surprising her again, he lifted her up by the waist and swung her around once more._

"_No you don't," he teased, sliding an arm around her shoulders and leading her out of the airport._

_Looking out the window, she grinned. It had been a year since she'd been in New York, for Derek and Addison's wedding. It had been nice to get out of her house, away from her demanding yet absent parents and her clingy eight year old half-sister. _

"_How's residency treating you?" she asked Mark. He shrugged. _

"_Kind of like a soap opera with actual medical practicing. It's interesting. Derek and Addison are... Do you want to know?"_

_Meredith shrugged and he took it as a sign to continue._

"_Doing well. Not really over the honeymoon stage."_

_She reached a comforting hand toward him. It landed awkwardly, on his thigh, her fingers indecently close. She slowly inched it down, not wanting to appear juvenile. _

_Not being able to help himself, he took the opportunity to glance sideways at her. He pacified himself, saying that so many young models, actresses, girls designed to be desire worthy were her age. She was grown now, it wasn't gross. He would never, ever, be able to touch her, but it didn't make it gross._

"_So where to, gorgeous?" he asked her. She rolled her eyes. Though Derek's wedding had been just the two of them, they almost never failed to go to bars together and do all manner of things that Ellis and Richard would never permit. _

_Mark flinched slightly when, an hour later, Meredith appeared out of the spare room door, dressed in skin tight jeans and a black halter top. As she twirled around, he realized in alarm that the top laced up the back, and that her back was covered only by strings and no fabric._

"_Does that even qualify as a shirt?" he asked. She laughed and slipped her feet into her high heeled boots. He glanced at her again, taking in things he'd missed at first glance. Her blonde hair, down on her shoulders, a thin gold chain around her neck._

"_Please, the boys at the bar will wonder how you got so lucky," she teased. He walked toward her and offered her his arm._

"_Like I could ever be that lucky," he teased back. _

* * *

_The crowd at the bar was dense. Mark easily parted the crowd and she trailed behind him, her hand encased in his. They stopped just before the bar._

"_Want me to get you a beer?" he asked._

"_No. I hate beer. Get me something else," she demanded. He sighed dramatically but ordered her a shot of Tequila. _

"_Be careful with the stuff, it'll get the job done quickly," he warned. She giggled and drowned it with ease._

_A few moments later she noticed a pair of eyes on her and turned sideways to the guy in his mid twenties who had been eying her. _

_Reluctantly, Mark wandered off for his own pursuits._

_He returned a half hour later to find them considerably closer, and Meredith considerably more inebriated. _

"_Hey, it's time to go," he said, putting his hand on hers. She pulled hers out. _

"_I was thinking I'd go home with my new friend Patrick," she said, indicating the guy with a giggle. Mark frowned._

"_I'm thinking not," he said._

"_Dude, what's your problem?" asked Patrick. _

"_My problem is that she's seventeen," replied Mark. He latched his hand around her upper arm and pulled her toward him._

"_Sounds legal to me," said the other man, smirking. Mark resisted the urge to smack him._

"_And a virgin. And drunk, and I'm going to have to refrain from kicking your ass. Come on Mer."_

_Compliantly she followed him, stumbling slightly in attempt to match his longer strides. _

_She stopped abruptly once they'd left the bar and laughed._

"_What?" he asked in annoyance._

"_Were you jealous, Mark?" she asked. _

"_Just looking out for you."_

"_And what was that virgin thing? Please."_

_Mark's face darkened slightly while he waited to continue, knowing she would._

"_Me and George. A few months ago. It was awkward."_

_An image of her best friend, George O'Malley, floated into his head and he would have laughed had he not been so consumed with..._

"_George? Seriously?" he asked. She nodded._

"_Uh-huh. We decided we'd rather do it together than waste it on some random," she explained. He frowned._

"_Like that guy in the bar."_

_Meredith nodded, giggling and smiling at a group of guys who passed by, leering at her. Mark walked toward her, wrapped a possessive arm around her shoulders and pulled her in to him, using his other arm to flag a taxi._

* * *

Meredith blushed as he finished his story and curled up closer to him. 

"I didn't know you knew that," she admitted. He shrugged.

"It kind of threw me for a loop."

Meredith concentrated for a moment and then shook her head.

"I don't even remember that. Thank you, anyway. For saving me from that creep," she said. She paused. "You were jealous?"

"In a way. Not like now."

"But you wanted..?"

He kissed her head.

"You've always been beautiful. It took me about ten years to notice and when I did I spent another ten years trying to blot out the thought, but it's been there for a while," he admitted.

"Addison had a right to be jealous," realized Meredith regretfully.

* * *

Derek Shepherd didn't notice when his wife of nine years slipped out of bed late that night, hours after their lackluster attempt to make love. She silently dressed, tiptoed out of the trailer, her tears only erupting when she was alone in her car. 

She drove into town, away from the slightly desolate trailer grounds. She knew her destination because she'd been invited there but had never had the courage to go.

He answered the door when she knocked and stared for a moment.

"Hello," he said uncertainly. Suddenly fearless she walked over the threshold and put her arms around him.

"I'm sorry. My marriage is over, I didn't know where else to go," she admitted. He cautiously wrapped his arms around her waist.

"It's okay," he murmured.

"I'm not here to... manipulate you, or make anyone jealous, or use you. I just needed to be somewhere other than there."

Alex nodded and led her into the small apartment.

"You can sleep here. I mean George is with Torres and Izzie will know you're here when she wakes up, but..." he trailed off uncertainly. She noticed that he was wearing plaid pajama pants and no shirt, and that on his face was his rare look of vulnerability and compassion.

"I don't care."

They progressed into his bedroom. She sat on his bed and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Stop it. You'll be fine," he said comfortingly, squatting in front of her. She nodded.

"Thank you. I needed a friend right now." He wiped another tear from her cheek.

"I think I did, too," he admitted, before joining her on the bed.

* * *

Author's note: Seeing as we're nearing the end, I was wondering if any of you would like to request anything. Scenes or whatever I've missed, I'd be happy for your input. 

This scene (the flashback in particular) was requested by a reviewer (sorry, forget the name. Review again and I'll source you next time) who wanted a flashback to indicate how long Mark and Derek have been having more than platonic feelings for Meredith. Quite a while, as it happens.

The metaphor in this chapter is EXTREMELY important, and is also an indicator of things to come. It happens early on, I think many of you will know what I mean.

I'm sort of thinking of writing a sequel, but once I resolve my love triangle I don't know if there will be any point. Thoughts? Opinions? Ideas?


	38. Drifting For a Long, Long, Time

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Drifting For a Long Long Time

"George!"

He rolled over in bed and collided with Callie and they both groaned. Izzie appeared in the doorway, fully clothed and clutching a mug of coffee.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, pulling the covers further over both of them.

"You will never guess who Alex spent the night with," she said excitedly.

George fell back onto his pillow.

"I don't even care a little bit," he moaned.

"Come on, you have to get up anyway," she wheedled. He reluctantly got out of bed and was followed by Callie, who surprised Izzie by being fully clothed.

Izzie quietly pushed the door open. George let out a snort of laughter, and Callie smiled.

"Okay, I always knew he was an idiot but I never knew he was enough of an idiot to sleep with his boss' wife," said Callie.

"And his mentor's ex!" agreed Izzie.

"They're both wearing pants," said Callie skeptically.

"Yeah, but it's _Alex."_

Upon seeing him move slightly, George pulled them both away.

* * *

Addison woke up heavy headed, as if she'd gone to bed drunk. She knew she hadn't had a drop and yet she still felt like a twenty year old co-ed waking up in a stranger's bed after a long night of partying. 

But Alex Karev wasn't a stranger, he was a friend. He was all but her only friend, as much as she'd come to think more of him. She watched him sleep in his plaid pajama pants and his bare, muscular chest and wished she could go back to a time where it would have been so much easier for them to be more than friends.

"Morning."

She jumped slightly, not having known he was awake.

"You too."

He woke up fully and noticed in apparent interest that she was dressed only in a long t-shirt that she'd stolen from his underwear drawer.

"How're you doing?" he asked. She remembered the nothing that had drawn her here.

"I have to talk to Derek," she murmured.

"Will he be worried?"

Addison looked up and met Alex own, worried, eyes.

"That's the problem. I really don't think he will be."

* * *

Izzie Stevens, who had been moping and angry ever since she'd been dumped by her quasi boyfriend for her less tall, less blonde, less buxom best friend, was bright eyed and interested when Addison Shepherd walked past the kitchen in the same clothes she'd been wearing the night before. 

"Hey Dr. Shepherd," she called after her, barely receiving a greeting in response.

"So Alex is hitting that," remarked Callie in surprise. "Who would have thought?"

"So I guess that means all of us are sleeping or have slept with a superior," agreed George.

"Some of us have slept with many," commented Izzie.

They fell silent when Alex came in. He poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table, seemingly ignorant of their probing stares.

A moment later, he cracked.

"Look, I'm not sleeping with her. She just needed a friend."

Izzie smirked at George.

"Yeah, but don't you want to be?" asked George.

"Don't _you_?"

Callie punched George in the forearm when he failed to respond, and they both laughed.

"They're still married, right? The Shepherds? I mean dysfunctional, lusting after other people and hating each other but they are still _married_?" asked Izzie desperately.

"We would have heard if they'd broken up. Everyone would have," said George comfortingly.

"Like they all heard about me and McSteamy," said Izzie bitterly. George sighed and dropped down onto the chair next to Callie.

"Yes. _Exactly_ like that."

* * *

Later in the day, after an apologetic Addison had explained (lied about) the situation to Derek and Bailey had severely chastised all of her interns, minus Cristina who was mysteriously absent, for whispering amongst themselves and gossiping, Mark and Meredith stood outside Richard's office. 

"Maybe we should do it later. At home. You know it's more personal," she said, beginning to walk off. He caught her hand and pulled her back.

"He has to address this as Chief of Surgery. You know that," he said reasonably. Meredith pouted.

"At least Cristina wasn't his daughter. I just wished you'd never told him about Izzie," she said regretfully.

"He knew about Derek, does that put us on equal footing?" wondered Mark. She shrugged and they both walked in.

Richard had his back to them as they walked in, but he quickly turned around when he heard the door open. He stopped, stared at them and sighed. He turned to Meredith.

"So, I guess you've made your choice?" he asked. She led Mark to the two chairs in front of his desk.

"You look like you think I've made the wrong one," she commented. Richard sighed, glanced at Mark.

"I guess you understand that no man thinks anyone is good enough for his little girl?" asked Richard. Mark nodded.

"I remember feeling the same, Sir." Richard smiled.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked.

"A few months," said Meredith bravely.

"Meredith, can you head down to the ER? They're backed up down there," said Richard. Meredith looked between her stepfather and her boyfriend and realized what was going on, and left.

Richard laced his fingers together and stared at Mark over the frames of his glasses. Mark nervously tapped his fingers along the arm of his chair.

"Do we need to have this talk, Mark?" asked Richard.

"If it would make you feel better."

Richard rose from his chair and began to pace.

"Meredith may not be mine, but as far as you're concerned that doesn't matter. She's my little girl, she always has been, and her mother and I have always done our best to keep her safe. We didn't do it alone, you and Derek always looked out for her too. I always knew that one day I'd have to let go, let someone else take care of her. I guess I'm lucky that you're so willing to do so."

He sat down again, fiddling with his wedding ring.

"Izzie Stevens?" he asked sternly.

"It's over," responded Mark.

"You're not exactly known for your commitment, Mark. What about Addison?" he asked.

"I'm committed now."

Richard nodded.

"You understand that if you hurt her..."

"I won't. I'm not going to hurt her. I love her, I want to marry her. I want to start a family with her. I want to grow old with her."

Mark looked down, embarrassed by the sincere emotion in his voice.

"She's going to need more time. She needs to believe first."

"I can wait."

Richard nodded, and Mark reached across the desk to shake his hand before leaving the office. Meredith, predictably, had remained hovering outside of the office instead of going to the ER.

"How'd it go?" she asked anxiously. He took her by the shoulders and kissed her, in view of the whole hospital.

"Extremely well. Now I have permission to be your boyfriend," he said.

"Which really didn't stop you before."

Mark put his arms around her shoulders and they walked down the hallways together. When Meredith saw Derek walking toward them instead of awkwardly separating as they'd done before, she bravely looked up and met his eyes and managed a bland but honest smile. He nodded back in return and continued down the hall.

He walked with her to the locker room. All the other interns were there, and Izzie looked away to avoid talking with her as she'd been doing since Mark had broken up with her. Meredith sighed but was relieved when Cristina and Burke entered, causing a slight commotion.

She glanced between them in interest for a moment, as if about to ask a question, but was steaded by Burke's hand on her shoulder. Meredith glanced down at her belly which looked about ready to pop at any second.

Cristina glanced up at Burke with a wide, honest smile, and the room gradually hushed.

Blushing, and looking ready to be finished with the whole thing, Cristina held up her left hand.

"We got married last night," she admitted, pulling a face when the room started to cheer and her new husband leaned down to kiss her.


	39. A River So Deep

Chapter Thirty-Nine: A River So Deep

"So how are Dr. and Dr. Burke?" asked Mark abruptly.

Meredith smiled, and he took this as an opportunity to sneak another sideways glance at her in her evening wear: a knee length black dress, heels, upswept hair and intoxicating designer perfume.

"Harmonious. She can't wait to push that thing out of her," said Meredith.

Mark laughed, and Meredith took her own turn to check him out: his designer suit, his freshly shaven face, the broad chest she imagined under his white shirt.

They reached the restaurant and she smiled when he gallantly opened the door for her.

Meredith smiled at him as they were seated at their corner table, unreasonably, ridiculously happy to be doing such normal date things with him. She's taken about four dates with Derek, all of which had consisted of them pretending to be having a good time and pretending not to break their sacred Rules.

"So, Dr. Grey, did you learn anything interesting today?" he asked.

"It's almost exam time. Bailey finally made Cristina stop coming to work."

"I heard that. Burke took time off, too."

"It's pretty much the only thing that would make either of them take the day off," said Meredith, smiling.

"It's going to have to be more than a day," said Mark, noting Meredith's slightly sad expression as he said it. "Now aren't you going to ask me about my day?"

"Did _you_ learn anything new today, Dr. Sloan?" she asked flirtatiously.

"Quite a few things. Among them that Seattle Grace is really desperately in need of a better plastic surgery team."

"What?" she asked.

"I signed a contract. Two years, head of Plastic Surgery, an embarrassingly large amount of money."

"You did?"

He shrugged.

"You've barely been in to work. You still live in a hotel. I always thought you were going to go back to New York," she said.

"I thought I was, too. I was going to come to Seattle, see you, confront Derek and then go back to Addie with my tail between my legs. Plans change, Mer."

"And so you're staying for me?" she asked.

"Because I'm in love with you. Is there any better reason?" he asked.

Meredith smiled.

"Mark Sloan, look at you. Who would've thought?"

"You?" he suggested.

"I always knew better."

He leaned across the table to kiss her.

"I promise I won't tell anyone about how sappy that speech was if you promise not to tell how much I liked it," she whispered. He kissed her again, long and inappropriately for such a public place.

"Deal."

Meredith continued to smile at him as he settled back in his chair, pleased that he was staying, that they were finally dating like a normal couple, that he had remembered to shave for her.

"You know, the hotel's kind of far from the hospital. If you wanted, we could..."

Meredith was cut off by her cellphone, which being a surgeon she never had the courage to turn off. She pulled it out of her purse and answered it, anticipation and worry growing on her face.

She slammed it shut and looked in amazement at Mark.

"Cristina's in labour," she said abruptly.

"Is she doing okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, seems that way, but I have to get down there. Now."

"Is Addison with her?" asked Mark. Meredith nodded. "She'll be in labour for another twelve hours. You might as well stay for dinner."

Meredith shook her head.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I'll call you."

She left and he watched her, wondering what she'd been about to reveal.

* * *

"Addison!" 

She stopped at the landing of the stairs and waited reluctantly for the younger blonde to catch up. She reached her and they stared awkwardly at each other for a moment.

"Cristina?" asked Meredith questioningly.

"Still dilating. Don't worry. Come on."

They began to walk up the stairs together.

"You look nice," remarked Addison.

"I was on a date."

Addison smiled cynically, reflecting that she was glad that it was her ex-mistress and not her current husband that Meredith was dating.

"You know, he never used to be much for blondes," remarked Addison coolly.

Meredith looked down at her feet and felt as Addison had always, consciously and unconsciously, been able to make her feel. Like a child just playing at being a grown up.

To Meredith's intense relief they arrived in the maternity ward, and Addison led her into Cristina's private room a moment later.

Quickly, her relief was dampened.

"Meredith," he said. He said her name like it was a long lost treasure, like it was air that he'd been deprived of. She looked away uncomfortably as his eyes traveled her frame, coveting the curves that were usually hidden beneath her scrubs.

"Hey Derek."

Addison glanced at her husband.

"Meredith was just telling me that she's on a date," she said. Meredith was relieved when Derek's gaze dropped, but shocked by the cruelty of this statement. She walked toward Cristina, lying on the bed in a hospital gown, Burke by her side.

"How do you feel?" she asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, I got the drugs. I'm not Bailey," she said. Meredith smiled and turned back to Addison.

"Do you need me to scrub in?" she asked.

"This isn't going to be a surgery, Grey. But I have Karev to help me," said Addison. Burke laughed.

"What'd he do to piss you off?" he asked. Addison shrugged.

"He volunteered. Don't spread it around."

Though Meredith hadn't turned around, she felt Derek's eyes on her once again.

"Did Burke call you? I don't need you yet, I have hours. You could have stayed with McSteamy," said Cristina. Meredith cringed as she thought of Derek realizing what she was talking about. She resisted the urge to glare at her friend, reminding herself that Cristina was in labour and didn't deserve it.

"Derek, Preson, if you'll excuse us, I need to examine Dr. Burke's cervix," said Addison. Derek glanced at Preston and smirked at how this sounded, but left agreeably. Meredith let her gaze wander to Addison but then was quickly able to pretend that she wasn't there.

"What the hell is Derek doing here?" she asked in a harsh whisper.

"Burke made some ridiculous claim about him being allowed to have a "person" too. How am I doing?" she asked Addison eagerly. Addison smiled.

"Dr. Burke, I know that you're a surgeon and want to get this over with, but that won't hurry you up. This is your first baby, it's going to be a while."

Cristina collapsed backward onto her bed.

"Dr. Burke. How weird is that?" she asked Meredith. Meredith smiled.

"Come on, try having to explain to people on a daily basis that your name is Dr. Grey and yes, you're the daughter of Ellis Grey-Webber but no, you don't have Webber in your name because it's not your father's name, it's her new husband's name because your father ran off when you were five."

Cristina smiled.

"I know, it must be hard for you to be the child of the two most renowned surgeons on this coast, and to be everyone's first guess for the most promising intern, and to be Mark Sloan's girlfr..."

Even Cristina realized the tactlessness of this.

"You're married to Preston Burke!" countered Meredith, recovering faster.

"And about to have his child. Cristina, Alex will be in to check on you soon and I'll come back later when you're closer to ready," said Addison brusquely.

* * *

Meredith cringed as Cristina let out another yell-despite her epidural, she didn't seem to be having the greatest time. Meredith was beginning to see the more favourable aspects of being a surgeon. That, for example, the patients were too drugged up to know what was going on. 

She backed up a step and found herself walking into Derek. After a frozen, awkward moment he took her hand in his and placed a comforting arm around her, holding her in to him. She took a deep breath and willed herself to relax before squeezing his hand in thanks.

Closing her ears to the screams, she watched as Addison lifted up the baby for them all to see, still slimy and red tinged but yelling and clearly healthy. Meredith spun around and wrapped her arms around a surprised Derek before charging forward to Cristina.

The rest of them looked on as Cristina looked up and smiled at her husband, both of them waiting impatiently for the baby to be cleaned off. Addison handed it to them before backing out of the room, making excuses.

"You okay?"

Addison looked back, not having realized that she'd been followed. She smiled.

"I'm great. It's weird, you know. I've done that five thousand times and still it seems amazing, every time."

Alex nodded.

"It was. Pretty amazing."

"They're going to be good parents," said Addison. Alex raised his eyebrows.

"Who knows, maybe motherhood can actually soften Cristina," he suggested, sounding skeptical. Addison walked toward him.

"You know, you really held your own in there," she said. He shrugged.

"She's my friend. Sort of."

"You've been holding your own a lot lately. I appreciate it, Alex. You shouldn't have to be here for me all the time."

She reached him.

"Someone has to be."

Tentatively, he placed a hand on her waist and leaned down. She closed the distance he'd left, closed her eyes as she once again felt the touch of a man who wanted her and only her, wanted her for herself.

He kissed her slowly, instantly forgetting the many conquests he'd made since coming to Seattle Grace, the hearts he'd broken, and thought only of her.

She broke away, but not far enough that his hands fell from her, that they were no longer entangled.

"That was nice," she managed. He smiled, tilted her chin up to meet his eyes.

"It was nice. Kind of reeks of "bad idea", but yeah, it was nice."

* * *

"It seems like an awfully big name for such a little guy." 

Meredith felt like she was intruding on family time, but Cristina had insisted she stay. Burke was sitting on the edge of her bed, their hands intertwined, their son was resting on her stomach. Now clean, dry and sleeping peacefully.

"It's a man's name," argued Burke. "Strong."

Meredith nodded, transfixed as the tiny life that had just come out of her best friend moved, and his eyes fluttered open and closed.

"Miles Preston Burke. Sounds strong to me," said Meredith.

"It's nice that he's out," said Cristian sleepily. "Okay. I'm about to pass out here, but don't think we won't talk about your McDreamy moment, because we will."

"Cris, you were having a _baby_," said Burke in amused exasperation.

"Please, like that'd stop me."

All three looked up when Mark cautiously entered the room, bearing a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi. Congratulations, I just heard," he said. Meredith smiled guiltily at him and walked toward him.

"Thanks, Mark," said Burke. Mark glanced in interest at the small boy before turning his attention back to Meredith.

"I would have come earlier. How was it?" he asked.

"Don't ask."

He leaned down to peck her on the lips.

"How about I take you out to breakfast, you can tell me all about it?" he suggested. She glanced back at the now sleeping Cristina and at Burke, who had taken his son out of her arms and was staring at him with an expression of wonder. She slipped her hand through his.

"Let's go."

They walked out of the room. Meredith looked down when they walked past Derek, though Mark sent him an affable nod. He continued to stare at her as he always had, past caring that she was with someone else and had never truly been with him.

Mark waited until they got out of the hospital.

"It was gross, right? She yelled and threw up and needed stitches, and was in no way miraculous or beautiful?" he asked.

"Shut up! It's... the miracle of life. It is beautiful," she insisted.

"That was all thought up by someone who wasn't a Doctor."

She laughed reluctantly and followed him to the car.

"It was nice in the end," she insisted. "Miles' adorable. Or he's going to be adorable. And..."

"And you're beginning to see why people adopt?"

She rolled her eyes and glanced back at the hospital, shoving away the traitorous thought that wondered if Derek was still looking out, watching her.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to my buddy Amanda for helping me out of my slump. I've been writing lately, I'll probably be able to get back to my one a day posting pretty soon. Thanks for reading and reviewing. 


	40. Stormy Weather

Chapter Forty: Stormy Weather

Meredith relaxed as the hot water poured onto her skin, knowing it was one of the only moments of the day she'd have to herself, one of the only moments in which she'd be able to have her mind void of thoughts.

Not hearing the door open and the shower curtain slide across the bar, she shrieked when a hand landed on her thigh and she was turned around, lips on hers before she could react further.

"Sorry, needed a way to shut you up. Neighbors might hear," he teased, breaking the kiss.

"What are you doing?" she demanded. A smile breaking through none the less.

"I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait for my girlfriend to shower. See, I promised there would be benefits to me doing actual work at the hospital."

"And consequences. I guess this means you won't always be on hands for quickies in the on call room?" she asked.

"We'll find time," promised Mark. He leaned down to kiss her again, his hands sliding down her slick body.

"But I do like the sound of these mornings. You never used to wake up with me unless you thought there was a chance you'd get lucky," she teased.

"True. Not that I don't think there's one now."

He caught the hand she raised and kissed her again. His lips slid to her neck and she found herself wondering about how much harder it would be for them to be alone together in the hospital, with Izzie and Addison and especially Derek always on hand. She wondered how everyone would cope with the two of them coming and leaving together.

Not, of course, that it matters, she reminded herself.

Smiling as she watched him shave (she liked him best clean-shaven) she ran back to their room, already behind on schedule because of their tryst.

* * *

They walked into the hospital hand in hand. The few who hadn't heard of their relationship were surprised and interested to see the notorious ladies man publicly with the younger, pre-destined for greatness Doctor, but said nothing and looked forward to passing the juicy tidbit onto their friends. Izzie alone of the interns was waiting by the entrance, but neither of them noticed her.

After a quick, discreet kiss Meredith followed Izzie and threw her belongings into her locker before Bailey arrived.

"Where is everyone?" asked Izzie, not looking at Meredith. Bailey looked between them.

"Cristina is still being forced to take maternity leave, George has the morning off, and Karev is late. You two will have to handle things until he gets here. That being said, you're both a month behind on paperwork and neither of you are going near the OR floor until it's all taken care of." Bailey paused, waiting for them to move. "Go!"

Meredith followed Izzie down to the abandoned hallway, figuring that she could, if she so desired, take refuge in Mark's office, but decided it would not be as productive, and also that it would probably not result in her finishing her write ups.

She took the bed opposite her friend and watched her until Izzie looked up and glared.

"Sorry," she murmured, looking guiltily back down at her chart.

"What?"

Meredith looked up, surprised by the rare initiation of contact.

"I said I was sorry. You're not talking to me, I get it," she said.

"No you don't," said Izzie dismissively.

Meredith stared at her, knowing that Izzie wouldn't be able to contain herself.

"You don't get it. You never have."

"He's a big boy, Iz. He made his decision. Yeah he did a crappy job of it, yeah, I did too, but when you went in to it you knew that..."

"That what? About your weird draw to every breathing male? Really do."

Meredith looked down again, knowing that she had no part in this conversation.

"He's in love with you, you know?" asked Izzie.

"He said."

"How's long's it been?" she asked.

"Come on, don't do this to yourself," said Meredith in exasperation. She sighed. "Almost six months now."

"Did he seduce you? I practically had to throw myself at him," said Izzie.

"You've never had to throw yourself at a man in your life," said Meredith, a smile playing around her lips.

"Seriously, Meredith? My best friend is sleeping with freaking Callie, Alex is sleeping with Addison who by the way is like ten years older than us, and besides them who _isn't_ in love with you?" she demanded.

"Alex is sleeping with Addison?"

Izzie scoffed.

"And... Mark is older, too," she said lamely.

"You're unbelievable."

Meredith rolled her eyes, slowly losing her patience.

"For what? Sleeping with a man who's been there for me for my entire life, with who I've always had the deepest connection I've ever felt, who wasn't even remotely your boyfriend?"

"I cared about him!"

"And I'm sorry for that, but you're going to have to get over it!"

By now Meredith had slid off the bed and was standing on the ground, her hands planted on her hips, her face struggling with anger and her desperate desire for calm.

Izzie shook her head slightly.

"I guess I should have seen this coming, but I thought I could..."

"He's not an easy man to change," said Meredith.

"Easy for you to say. You've freaking domesticated him."

Meredith giggled, but caught herself and restrained it.

"He wouldn't like to hear that," she said. Izzie nodded.

"Probably not."

Meredith cautiously went to sit beside her friend.

"We were growing apart anyway," she offered helpfully.

"It was doomed to happen. At our best, we were only ever sort of best friends. Now you have Cristina, and you have your McDreamy and your McSteamy..."

"I need to have you, too," said Meredith. Izzie grinned at the rare sentiment in her voice, proud she'd been able to evoke it.

"Living without you sucks. George is always with Callie and Alex is God knows where..."

"We needed a break," said Meredith. Izzie nodded.

"Especially now."

"I'd invite you to come live with me, but..." Meredith trailed off awkwardly and Izzie nodded in understanding.

They both looked up guiltily when Miranda Bailey entered.

"I sent you two down here to work, not to have girly bonding time! Get to it!"

Meredith and Izzie guiltily separated and Bailey left again, muttering a long string of annoyances.

* * *

Mark caught Meredith in surprise when she leaped into his arms at the end of the day, and accepted the kiss she pressed on his lips. He set her back down on the ground, smiling slightly.

"What's up with you?" he asked benignly.

"Izzie and I made up. The universe has restored its balance. Want to take me out to dinner?" she asked.

He kissed her again, amused by her exuberance.

"Always. This doesn't mean we're going to have to start socializing with Derek and Addison, does it?" he asked.

"Hey, I made up with one of your other girlfriends, couldn't handle all of them in one day," she teased.

* * *

Izzie watched them go, attempting to smile and finding it easier than she would have expected. They had always had something between them, she had to admit. She could admit to herself that she longed for a man, for any man, to look at her like Mark looked at Meredith, to love her that much.

Her attention was caught by another figure, walking up the pathway to the hospital. Something familiar about him stuck her, but she couldn't place it. She knew instantly that he was not another Doctor, but somehow she knew him anyway.

It hit her.

"Oh my God..." she muttered, a grin slowly expanding on her face. She ran out of the main doors and all but collided with him.

Luckily she had been right. It had been who she thought, who she'd recognized almost instantly even though it had been months since she'd seen him.

"Hey," he greeted, unable to keep a grin off his own face. She impulsively flung her arms around his neck.

"Denny," she said in amazement. She pulled back to study him. "You look amazing."

He shrugged.

"I'm so sorry I didn't see you. I mean I wasn't told to dispatch you, and you recovered so quickly after your surgery... I _wanted_ to see you," she promised.

"That's all right. I wanted to see you, too, so I guess we're even."

She blushed and looked down.

"What have you been doing with yourself, Izzie Stevens?" he asked.

"Driving myself crazy. Not sleeping. I made up with Meredith," she said happily.

"That's great. Then I guess that means your quasi-boyfriend never came to his senses?" he asked. She shook her head. "Then I guess it's okay for me to ask you to go get a drink?"

Izzie looked down, her cheerful mood suddenly dampened.

"I um, can't." She looked up to meet his surprised eyes. "I want to, honestly. But I can't."

"Why not?" he asked.

She sighed.

"Mark and I are over. Like, a million percent over. We couldn't be more over. But I'm kind of still carrying around baggage from it."

Denny nodded in confusion. She reached up to brush a kiss on his cheek before departing in the same direction as Mark and Meredith.

* * *

Author's note: So I guess Denny should technically be dead by now, but my story is pretty much Grey's Anatomy with out all the sucky things happening, so I decided to let it slide, because let's face it, Izzie seriously needed something good to happen to her.

Sorry about the unbelievable lack of updating. Review, okay? It motivates.

I changed Burke and Cristina's baby's name. Matthew wasn't working for me. I actually changed it a while ago, just forgot to in the already uploaded chapter. So his name is Miles, not Matthew. Miles Preston Burke.

Next chapter is big and explosive (sort of) and already written, so thanks for reading, reviewing, and hopefully you'll hear from me soon!


	41. Another Hole Inside the Hole You're In

Chapter Forty-One: Another Hole Inside the Hole You're In

"Mer, how do you turn this on?"

Meredith sent Mark a worried look.

"You've never used it, have you?"

She shook her head. Preston laughed and went to go join Izzie on the patio, where she'd been attempting to start up the barbecue. Meredith turned her attention back to her best friend, who was holding her two week old child against her chest.

"How are you coping?" she asked nervously. Izzie had immediately fussed over the baby when Cristina and Burke had entered, after having been shut away from the rest of them since his birth. But Meredith hadn't the chance to get a word in edgewise.

"He cries a lot," said Cristina. Meredith reached out her arms and Cristina passed him to her. She held him against her own body, looking down when Mark's eyes glazed over the image of her carrying a baby in interest.

After a miraculous amount of schedule shifting, they'd all managed to be in the same place in the same time, outside of the hospital together for the first time. Spread out through the house were Cristina, Mark and Meredith with Miles in the kitchen, Preston, Izzie, and Alex on the patio, and George, Callie and Addison in the living room.

Meredith gently began to bounce the baby when he cried out softly. He relaxed and let out a short sigh, grabbed a lock of her long blonde hair in his fist.

After catching Mark's gaze on her again, she hastily handed him back to Cristina.

There were some things she was gradually adjusting to – their committed, healthy, relationship,balancing work with her social life, occasionally letting her parents in. Babies, what came before them and what came after them, did not make the list.

She nestled herself into Mark's arms, silently telling him:

"_I'm sorry, I'm just not there yet..."_

* * *

"So, how's fatherhood treating you?" 

Burke looked up and smiled at George, who'd joined him and Izzie on the patio, a beer in hand.

"It's great. I connect with him, she connects with him. We're working. As a family," he said proudly.

"Callie and I, we talked, but... Is it hard?"

Burke turned back to the barbecue and shrugged.

"Thought it would be. Wasn't sure we'd be able to step up."

"But you did? You stepped up?"

This time it was Izzie who spoke, sounding desperate. George glanced curiously at her. Amazed she'd reacted to Burke's assurance and not to his own, potentially life changing statement.

"Both of us."

He turned to her in equal confusion.

"Cristina talks, but once she had Miles in her arms, everything was different," he said, sounding dazed.

As if on cue, Cristina Burke walked onto the patio with the baby in her arms and placed him in Burke's. She leaned up and kissed him lightly.

"I've provided him with my motherly love, now it's your turn," she said, turning around to rejoin Meredith and Mark. Burke laughed and rearranged his son so that he was resting on his broad shoulder, one hand placed protectively under his bottom.

Izzie studied the tiny sleeping face on his shoulder - the face that had already inherited his mother's almond shaped eyes, the cleft in his father's chin. The child who had a big grown up name, Miles Preston Burke, but nothing to do with it yet.

The rest slowly flocked to the patio, subconsciously following the new life, like a particularly interesting party game. Meredith smiled at the image of Callie and George, and predicted many babies in their future, and at Addison and Alex, who would probably never get there. Cristina held out her arms and reclaimed her baby, who fit into them as if he'd always lived there. She kissed the kinky tuft of hair on his otherwise smooth head.

* * *

"We should have invited Bailey," said Izzie, sounding guilty. 

Everyone smiled at the thought of their fearsome, yet occasionally emotional Resident sitting down to eat with them.

"Please, it's weird enough that we invited Addison and Burke. Sorry," she said, to Addison, who smiled.

"What, I don't count?" demanded Mark.

"Honey, do you even actually work at the hospital?" asked Meredith, leaning over to kiss him.

He shrugged. "Point taken."

Izzie glanced around them in slight depression, wishing they'd at least invited Derek so she wouldn't have to feel lonely alone. Though she knew he wouldn't have come even if they had and if by some miracle he had, he'd be punching the wall by now.

She wished selfishly that she'd thought to at least briefly accept Denny's offer, even though she knew it wouldn't be fair to him. It would have been nice to have some company.

* * *

Meredith Grey smiled to herself as she began to place the dirty dishes in the dishwater, listening as George, Izzie and Callie chatted easily, as Mark made conversation with Alex, his old lover's new flame, as Burke and Cristina lovingly bickered over their child's head. 

She jumped slightly when the one voice absent from the scene outside rang out behind her.

"Need help?"

Meredith turned around and cautiously met the gaze of Addison Shepherd (or Montgomery-one could never be sure). She nodded.

"We have to um, wash the wine glasses by hand, but the rest..." she gestured toward the dishwasher. Addison nodded, and Meredith noted her perfect shining hair and immaculate appearance for what felt like the thousandth time since childhood. No wonder she'd never felt like she could compare.

The two women voided eye contact as they moved around the kitchen, gradually progressing to wiping down counter tops and sweeping excess crumbs from the floor.

"I'm sorry."

Meredith and Addison looked up in surprise, both equally surprised by who had spoken.

"What?" Addison reacted to Meredith's words.

"I'm sorry. I mean it's always been hard to admit that Derek belonged to you and not me, but I'm sorry. He was your husband, and I knew it. And Mark. You were with him because Derek ignored you, you didn't deserve to have them both taken away."

Meredith found herself impressed by the maturity of this speech.

"I kind of relinquished my claim to Derek when I slept with Mark. And Mark... has always been yours," said Addison. "I always knew it would happen. I didn't know if it would be a one night stand, or for forever, but I knew it. It was easier for me to see. You were older when I met you."

Meredith nodded.

"Sometimes I still think it's hard for Mark to see," she admitted.

"It's still conflicting for him, his desire to protect you from everything, specifically from anyone who wants to be with you, and his desire for you."

"He told me before, that he was in love with you. Years ago."

"I think I sort of knew, too."

The two women cautiously edged toward the kitchen table and sat down on opposite sides of it.

"So you and Alex..."

"I'm not cheating on Derek."

Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"Not entirely. We're not. You know. He's just there for me," she explained. Meredith smiled, always proud of Alex when this other side of him shone out.

"You two are cute together," said Meredith helpfully.

"He's a child," she said sadly.

"My age."

"Mark and Derek saw you as a child until a year ago. I never slept with you, so the image never left for me," said Addison. They laughed together, surprised by their ability to do so.

"I kind of made peace with Izzie last week, I never would have thought it would happen with you," said Meredith.

"Well, you have hated me for almost twenty years. Such things are kind of hard to get past," she teased.

Meredith blushed, remembering the long ago day when she'd been introduced to the women, and had then proceeded to spend an entire evening flaunting Derek and Mark's obvious love of her.

"I was so terrible to you."

"You were just a kid."

Meredith smiled to herself, imaging just how much it would unnerve Derek if she and his wife were to show up at work the next day, suddenly friends.

"Sammie loved me. In the beginning I thought I could be your big sister," admitted Addison.

"Sammie's always been more lovable."

Addison nodded, thinking absently of Meredith's half sister, who had been through so much less and who was so completely sure of her parent's relationship.

She stood.

"I should get out of here. Alex has an early shift," she said. Meredith nodded and they walked out to the back together.

* * *

Mark and Meredith waved from the front door as the last of their guests made their way to their various cars. She turned in to him, smiled as his arm wove automatically around her shoulders and her head dropped, as if of its own accord, onto his broad shoulder. 

She watched as Burke fasted Miles into his car seat, Cristina already bickering with him about the baptism that his Mama had insisted on, having been denied a big wedding. Meredith had agreed to be godmother, partially out of amusement of the whole ordeal.

Mark's arm dropped when footsteps sounded behind them. Izzie appeared in the hallway, looking embarrassed.

"Did everyone go?" she asked.

Meredith nodded.

"George was supposed to drive me home," explained Izzie.

"George is drunk. Callie practically had to drag him to the car," said Mark.

"Can you drive me home? Sorry to ask, but..." she trailed off. Mark grabbed his keys from the hall table.

"Of course. See you later, Mer," he said, leaning down to kiss her, his lips lingering longer than was entirely appropriate in front of an ex-girlfriend.

Izzie and Mark drove back to the building she lived with Alex, George, and occasionally Callie in. They drove in silence, occasionally penetrated by an awkward cough or the low rumble of the traffic.

He pulled up in front of the building and sighed quietly to himself, glad he'd fulfilled his quota to be civil to her for the week. He looked expectantly at her while she remained in the car.

"I have to tell you something," said Izzie abruptly.

"Yeah?" Mark tried his best to look open and understanding, already suspecting that he wasn't going to like what was coming.

"I was a cheerleader in high school," she began. He smiled.

"Well I'd ask if you still had your uniform, but we've kind of moved beyond that, Iz."

He waited, puzzled.

"And then I was the pregnant cheerleader in high school."

He nodded.

"Her dad left. I was pregnant and alone at sixteen, and I had to give her up. Her name was Sarah, she was perfect, and I had to let her go."

Izzie paused, watching him watch her in confusion.

"And I'm not going to do that again."


	42. You Can't Save Me From Myself

Chapter Forty-Two: You Can't Save Me From Myself  


The next morning, at four, Meredith came to an alarming conclusion: she was in a real, honest, grown-up relationship.

There had been obvious signs of this all along, but none as telling as the fact that she found it nearly impossible to sleep without him around.

She'd done it before, she reasoned to herself. She'd been in several serious relationships during med school and before, all of which she'd felt comfortable leaving for the night. She'd had several, though not many, one night stands, and sleeping had come into the question in none of them.

So what was different about this?

She arose at five and showered, telling herself that Mark had every right to sleep at his hotel. She told herself that she trusted him and Izzie, that especially after their confrontation the week before Izzie would never go through with it.

Meredith even trusted Mark, as well. Mark who was in love with her.

She made herself a cup of coffee, remembering fondness touched with guilt, the early days with Derek. When they'd lived here together in their platonic bliss, him forever mocking her for her diet, her mocking his muesli just as soundly.

She found herself missing both relationships of old, without sex involved.

* * *

She met Derek as she walked up to the hospital. Her former nostalgia vanished, she found herself wondering if he did nothing but lurk in dark corners, waiting for her to show up without Mark nearby. 

"Hey," he said, falling into step beside her. She waited for him to say something snide about Mark.

"Hey," she replied after a pause. She curved her lips upward into a smile.

"It's almost time for your exams, you ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think so."

He knew that she didn't think, she knew, but he didn't press it.

"Addison told me you guys talked yesterday," he said. Meredith studied his expression, wondered if he knew about the party that had been thrown without him.

"We did."

"I'm glad. There wasn't any reason for you two to hate each other anymore," said Derek.

"Never was."

Meredith instantly felt guilty for saying this.

"How are you two doing?" she asked. Derek laughed.

"Don't you think I've heard the rumours?" he asked.

"I would have thought that if you had, you would have left her again," said Meredith. Derek shrugged.

"Would hardly be fair of me."

Meredith blushed and realized in relief that they'd reached the locker room. He stopped along with her, leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"Hope I'll see you later, Dr. Grey."

* * *

Meredith entered the room to the site of Cristina rocking her baby back and forth with ease, his screams lighting up the whole room. 

She approached her with difficulty, tripping over the random assortment of belongings flung across the floor.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded, attempting to look stern. Cristina shrugged.

"Burke got to go back today. I didn't want to mess out," she explained. Meredith sighed.

"Cristina, the year is almost over. You're more than prepared for the exam, and your baby is barely three weeks old. Burke came in for exactly one surgery, that had to be done by him and no other, and will be leaving again at noon to help you with Miles. And lastly, and most importantly, Bailey is going to be here in about three minutes to kick your ass."

"Bailey has a baby, she'll understand," insisted Cristina.

"Go home. The baptism is in three days, you'll get to see everyone then." Meredith glanced down into the wrinkled face of the child who was about to become her godson.

"Don't worry, I'll get out of here before Bailey comes. I just want to observe."

"And you think that no one will notice you haunting the OR?"

Cristina shrugged as Bailey entered, rolling her eyes at the intern's presence but saying nothing.

The rest of them staggered in: George, a smile still lingering on his face after his goodbye to Callie. Alex, eye slightly bloodshot. But no Izzie. Meredith forced herself to see all of these facts as unrelated.

* * *

"Dr. Sloan missed a reassignment surgery today," commented a voice behind her. 

"What?"

"Sexual reassignment. Big deal, you know. They have to get therapy for years beforehand. They don't just let you do it. It's a big-shot surgery. One of his favourites," commented Derek.

"Your point being?" she asked.

"He's not here."

This, Meredith thought, was obvious.

"No, he's not."

"Dr. Izzie isn't here either."

"Dr. _Stevens_," she corrects, in annoyance. As she turns to leave, irritated by his insinuation, he caught her wrist, hard.

"Mer, I'm sorry. Come on, I just wanted to see if you were all right," he pleaded. She rolled her eyes, tested his grip. It stayed strong.

"I'm fine."

"We can talk about it, if you want. We used to talk. At Joe's, maybe. Your house. Whatever."

She is annoyed by the suggestion that crept into his voice, as if of its own accord. She is alarmed by how very Mark this is. She then wonders if this is his new strategy.

"Talk to your wife," she snapped, pulling back her wrist when his fingers loosened automatically. He looked hurt, but she knew he wouldn't hold the grudge.

* * *

She was found by George, a half hour later. 

She glanced up at him. He judged her expression instantly. Though they'd barely been friends in the last year, they'd known each other their entire lives.

"What's wrong?" he asked cautiously. Part of him didn't want to know.

"McDreamy just came on to me," she said absurdly, as if this mattered at all.

"I can go beat him up if you want. Or we could get Mark..." he broke off. "Are you guys..?"

George went to sit beside her on the abandoned gurney.

"Where is Mark?" he asked. She shrugged. "You know you can talk to me."

Meredith nodded.

"Did Izzie come home last night?" she asked. George's eye went wide, immediately comprehending.

"I was drunk, I don't..."

"George."

"No. She didn't."

Meredith nodded. She remembered Izzie's honest, frank words as they reconciled.

"Then that's what's wrong."

George pulled her into his arms.

"Look, you know I'm the last person who wants to admit this to you, but Mark would never do that. He's in love with you. It's so clear. Let alone Izzie..."

"Izzie _hates_ me."

"I thought you guys got over that?"

Meredith shrugged and tilted her head onto his shoulder. She'd missed George, she realized. Cristina, who was now her best friend, was incapable of scenes like these.

She called Mark her best friend because he'd known her so well, for so long. She'd called Izzie her best friend because they'd lived together and she deserved the title. She'd even called Cristina her best friend, because of how they connected, how similar they were.

George had always been her best friend. And she'd been hers. They'd clocked so many hours together. Hours spent hanging out in his tree-house, in her bedroom. They'd lived together for years, they'd even been intimate. They'd jealously guarded each other from heartbreak.

"I love you," she said impulsively. He tilted her head downward to kiss her forehead.

"I love you too."

And he does, and finally it doesn't worry her as much. There isn't the vaguest sliver of doubt that he wants more, that he wants her body. Now he belongs to Callie, and she belongs to Mark, and they are okay with that. Meredith imagines that Callie wasn't so okay with it the day she discovered about their tryst, so many years ago, as un-okay as Mark had been, but that's over now.

Their hands link together. And stayed together, as they proceeded upstairs. Meredith was surprised to discover that the day had slipped away, and now both of them were off duty.

They encountered Derek in the main lobby.

"Joe's?" he suggested. Meredith felt George's hand tighten around hers and she knew that without Mark around, she needed protection from him. That without it, she ran the risk of giving in to him.

She shook her head emphatically, and Derek left after a quick glance at George. They continued. Callie caught up to them, raised her eyebrows at their physical connection, but managed to say nothing.

"Hey, Meredith," she said. Meredith smiled.

"Hi."

Meredith looked down to her feet, and slowly realized that they were silently communicating above her head.

"Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?" asked Callie. Meredith nodded. Maybe George knew more than he let on, had predicted that Meredith needed to not be alone that night.

Callie moved to her other side and the three left together, the two of them protectively encircling Meredith on either side, physically surrounding her but unable to block her from the line of sight of Derek, still lingering in the lobby.

* * *

Author's Note: Hope you like this one, hope you guys aren't too annoyed with the bomb I dropped last chapter. I'm about halfway finished the next chapter, so I can probably put it up tomorrow or Saturday.

Thanks for the response for the last chapter, that was really great.


	43. Tell Me That You'll Open Your Eyes

Chapter Forty-Three: Tell Me That You'll Open Your Eyes

Meredith stayed at Callie and George's, afraid beyond reason that he would show up at her own home, that in her fragile state she would be drawn once again to his own need of her.

She smiles, despite herself, when she sees him. _Derek_. She reflected that Derek is a hero name, a Prince Charming name.

It is one of the hundreds of reasons that the child her had loved him so deeply.

She was beginning to view them as two separate entities, adult her and child her. She didn't know quite when they'd split apart.

Derek managed to find her almost as soon as she entered the main doors of the hospital. She reflected wryly that this was a step down from yesterday, when he'd managed to confront her before she entered the building.

"So do you want to drive over together tonight?" he asked, falling into step beside her. She looked up sharply, her mind caught on his use of "together."

"What?"

"To the baptism."

"You're going?" she asked, surprise evident in her voice. Derek was not friends with Cristina.

"Burke asked me to be godfather," he explained. Meredith remembered that the celebration was about Miles and not Cristina, and that Preston was Miles' parent, too.

"I'm godmother," she said.

"I know." He nodded, raised his eyebrows suggestively as if he'd already contemplated the message in this.

"Do you need a drive?" he asked again. She shrugged. She hated driving herself places in the night, especially going to places alone. There was always a high chance that driving herself back home again would not be a good idea. She shrugged.

"Alright."

* * *

Later, at the baptism, Cristina amazed everyone by being dressed in sensible Burke attire. Burke was observed by all to be proudly showing off his infant son and pacifying his agitated wife. Callie and George came together. Meredith was scandalized and vaguely annoyed when Addison showed up as Alex's date, until she realized with surprise that she was Derek's.

They stood together at the alter, before a robbed Reverend. After Miles was dipped into the shallow pool of water, he was handed to Meredith, who protectively encircled him in her arms. She smiled at the confused expression on his face, at having been dipped in water, at all the people staring at him, at being forced to wear a decidedly unmasculine outfit.

She looked sideways at Derek as they promised to educate Miles in the way of life and the Lord, and he winked slightly at her. She knew that Cristina would be satisfied with Derek talking to him about girls, and with her doing the occasional baby-sitting.

She looked up to spot Burke and Cristina standing together, both smiling. Burke had his arm loosely around his wife, looking more content than she'd ever seen him. Cristina even looked content. Restful. Meredith realized that despite all their issues, they had managed to find each other and were actually happy. She redirected her gaze back up to Derek and smiled again.

* * *

The reception, which was held after at Burke and Cristina's house, the one they'd purchased for Miles to replace the old apartment, had little to do with Miles himself and more with actual human contact for Burke and Cristina.

Meredith suspected that Burke had pulled favours with the Chief, as everyone was there. All the interns, minus Izzie, all the attendings, minus Mark. Callie, Bailey and her husband, the Chief and Ellis.

"Mark took a short leave of absence," said Richard, moving toward her. She shrugged.

"Oh."

"I'm sure he just needed to sort things out," he said consolingly.

"It's okay. You don't have to pretend like you don't know what happened," said Meredith in scorn.

"I don't. And neither do you."

"You warned me. And I..."

Richard sighed.

"I was wrong. Mark loves you. He told me. He wants the two of you to be together forever, and the only thing that worries him is that you're not ready yet. He wouldn't do anything to screw that up."

"Since when are you so for this?" she asked dismissively.

"Since when have I been for your happiness? Since always, Meredith. And I think Mark can make you happy. And I think that with you, he is the man we always knew he could be," said Richard. Meredith nodded, wishing she could believe so blindly. Over her stepfather's shoulder, she saw Ellis watching in interest. She wondered how much of this conversation had been planned in advance.

"Did Izzie take a "short leave of absence"?" asked Meredith, unable to resist the temptation to do so. Richard sighed.

"You still spend time with Derek and George, and ask that he not over-react, do you not?" he asked.

"George doesn't count," she said petulantly, even though he clearly did count. In almost the exact same capacity. Richard sighed.

"Meredith Grey, do you honestly think your mother and I are that blind?" he demanded. A giggle escaped her lips. "I mean since you became an intern I've known **far** more about your life than I've cared to, but you've never been discreet."

Meredith shrugged, Richard's comments shifting her mood slightly. She smiled as he put his arm around her shoulders and firmly kissed her forehead.

Derek wandered over, taking the now vacant place by her side. She calmly watched the party, not bothering to look up at him as he joined her.

"Hey. Were you just the recipient of a pep-talk?" he asked. She continued to stare straight ahead.

"You've been such an ass lately. I'd been hoping we could get over that soon," she remarked.

"Whereas you have been nothing but sunshine for months?" he countered.

"You..."

"Left me. Broke you. I know. An event you responded to by sleeping with my best friend. Don't I get to be a little bit broken, too?"

This, finally, jolts her out of her stupor and she looked up to meet his blue eyes.

"I didn't sleep with Mark because of you. And he's not your best friend, remember? He's my boyfriend. You were never my boyfriend," she reminded him.

"I could be. You didn't give me much of a chance. I could be a good boyfriend." He paused. "I wouldn't make you dark and twisty all the time."

Bizarrely, this reminded her of the speech Mark had given her, the first time he'd told her he loved her:

_"I'll never leave you. I'll never lead you on. I'll never choose anyone over you. I'll never, ever break your heart."_

When it came down to it, she was still glad she'd chosen him.

"Derek..." he looked hopeful at how his name came out of her. "Leave Addison. Not for me, it wouldn't change anything. But she deserves better. This whole thing is just..."

Derek nodded absently, and she still didn't believe he'd actually do it. Meredith suspected that they'd gotten good at being miserable together.

Her cell phone rang and she answered it, not bothering to be discreet to Derek.

"_Mer?"_ Mark's voice came through the phone, as calm and loving as if he'd never left.

"Where are you?" she asked, not responding to his greeting.

"_Richard didn't tell you? I'm in Nevada. Emergency surgery, my cell hasn't been working," _he explained apologetically.

Meredith sighed as he realized that this was at a stark contrast to what her stepfather had told her. And that Mark was, without a doubt, telling a straight out lie.

"I thought maybe you'd run off with Izzie," she said hopefully, wishing that he'd be able to pull a magical excuse out of a hat.

"_She's not there?"_

"You'll come home soon?" she asked him.

"_Probably the day after tomorrow_," he said consolingly. "_I love you."_

She hung up the phone abruptly.

She found herself remembering once again.

_"I'll never leave you. I'll never lead you on. I'll never choose anyone over you. I'll never, ever break your heart."_

She found herself disgusted with the sentiment she'd once believed in so thoroughly.

Meredith made a u-turn and parked herself in front of the drinks table. She glanced around, noting that George and Callie had already left, that Cristina was absorbed in her family.

She poured a few inches of tequila into a tumbler. She downed it and the feeling washed over her like an old friend who she hadn't seen in years. Tequila was something she'd learned to not allow herself to have during her undergrad degree, but she weakened every once in a while.

Footsteps approached. Derek leaned down until his lips all but touched her ear.

"You going to let my drive you back home, Mer?" he asked suggestively. She sighed. It had been a long time coming. As Mark had once done, Derek had done nothing but try to insert himself into the recently vacant space.

She remembered Mark's words, his obvious lie, the obvious truth behind it.

She spun around, their bodies touched lightly. She was surprised to find that her body no longer reacted physically to him, but from the look on his face she could tell his did.

"Take me for a ride, Derek."

* * *

Footsteps. Where had she heard those footsteps before? On those stairs. Why was she so incapable of covering her tracks?

Her early morning head could not process what tracks she needed to cover. Needed to cover quickly, before the footsteps arrived.

Familiar footsteps. She wanted them to come closer to her, even if she didn't. They gave her a sense of intimacy, of calm.

This feeling made her realize who they belonged to, but it was too late. She sat up abruptly, shivered and covered herself in the thin white bed sheet when she realized that she was naked. Her leg moved as she did so and connected with a solid, hairy limb that reacted in response.

It was too late. They smiled automatically when they saw each other. She'd missed him, he'd missed her. He'd hated having to lie to her, hated the assumptions he knew she'd lie to. He hated having obligations above her, if only for the week.

His eyes slid off hers and inevitably to the body in bed beside her. His smile slid off his face, was replaced immediately by incredulity and then anger. Fierce, passionate anger that made her recoil slightly.

And the anger remained as Mark backed out of the room, ignoring his girlfriend's attempts to call after him.

* * *

Author's note: So sorry I haven't updated... honestly, I've been so bad about it. This chapter took me a long time, and I kept forgetting to post. Story is almost done. Ish. Winding down, at least. Thanks for your reviews. Sorry for the crisis I just stuck them all in.

The mystery will be solved next chapter.


	44. A Song I've Heard a Hundred Times Before

Chapter Forty-Four: A Song I've Heard a Hundred Times Before

Meredith hurriedly pulled on a pair of pajama pants, abandoned on the floor and a tank-top from the drawer, but by the time she reached the main floor he was already gone.

She heard Derek's footsteps follow her.

"Why weren't you wearing pants?" she asked, dreading the answer.

She heard his footsteps reach the floor.

"Don't you remember?"

She turned around, met his eyes in surprise, searched him.

"Do you?" she demanded. Slowly he shook his head.

"No."

"Maybe nothing," she said hopefully.

"You were naked," he said practically. She frowned and turned toward the door.

He moved forward to stop her, grabbed her wrist in his hand.

"What?" she snapped.

"Are you going to follow him? He probably needs time to cool off," he said.

"But then he might get the wrong idea," said Meredith.

"What idea? That having him _leave_ _you_ made you realize what was here all along?" he asked. Meredith sighed.

"Mark and I are in a relationship. He deserves the chance to explain to me what happened with Izzie, and I deserve the chance to explain to him what happened with you. Or didn't happen. Or whatever."

Derek sighed.

"You're going to need to at least get changed," he pointed out. Meredith looked down at the baggy pajama pants on the floor, wondering who they belonged to.

She realized he had a point.

* * *

"Mark?" 

Izzie Stevens, having just arrived home, was amazed to discover Mark Sloan banging on her door, demanding entry, looking confused, vulnerable and fully willing to punch in the head of anyone who got in his way.

"You just dropped me off, what..?" She stepped aside to let him in.

"I went home," he said.

"Wait, to the hotel?" she asked in confusion. He shook his head, as if mildly irritated that she was listening in on a private conversation.

"No, to Mer's." Izzie nodded, their recent friendship enough to take away any jealousness the statement once might have brought up in her.

"And?" Izzie's eyes were wide, already preparing for the worst.

He trailed off, unable to voice the sight, still wishing to believe the best in her, as she'd always believed in him.

"I should have told her the truth," he said finally. "I never should have left her behind like that."

Izzie looked down to her feet, already painting a picture of what had happened, and already regretting what had taken him from Meredith in the middle of the night without warning, without explanation.

"Mark, what are you doing here?" she asked softly.

"I didn't know where else to go," he admitted, suddenly looking vulnerable. She awkwardly reached to pat his shoulder in comfort, their recent experience hanging between them and stopping them from any kind of intimacy.

"Was it Derek?" she asked. Mark looked away, looking pained. Izzie felt a stab of annoyance, that she'd cheated on her so easily and felt it so much now. She forced herself to be objectionable. Whatever went on between Meredith and Mark was different from whatever had gone on with her and Mark.

Mark took a deep breath.

"Now he's going to say I had it coming. Like since I took something from him, I deserved to have something taken from me. But he's _wrong,_ Iz. He's _always_ taken from me," said Mark.

Izzie, unable to resist the urge any longer, walked closer to him and folded him into his arms. Half expecting to feel his tears on her shoulder, she was surprised when she pulled away slightly to see him looking stoic as ever.

The door slammed open again.

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked Mark, speaking his first words to her since he'd arrived.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?" she asked, wary as she watched them awkwardly break out of their embrace.

"I came to see Izzie," he said defensively.

"Right, because you missed her so much when you were gone? I'm here to see George. Is he here?" she demanded. She sent Izzie a murderous look as she passed her on her way to bang on George's door. He and Callie appeared a moment later, surprised to see the crowd gathered in their living room.

"When did you get back?" asked George, directing his question at Izzie. Meredith glanced at Mark, who frowned as if in regret.

"Come on, like I didn't already know," said Meredith.

"Know what?"

Meredith glanced again at Izzie, who had spoken.

"Know what?" she said again. "You don't know, Meredith. You think. For some reason, you think that two of the people who love you the most in the entire world decided to screw you over."

"You left me. And you lied to me. What was I supposed to believe?" asked Meredith.

"You could have believed whatever you wanted. But it's not a good idea to act on your every impulse," he said bitterly.

"Mer," said Izzie, calling the focus back to herself. "What you think happen, didn't happen. Even if I was a dirty adulterous whore, he isn't. He loves you," said Izzie. Mark glared at her. "Right. Sorry to blow your cover."

Meredith moved backward and collided with George, who put comforting hands on her shoulders and held her as close to him as he dared.

"Then what were you doing?" she asked, her voice afraid, suddenly flooded with guilt.

Mark and Izzie exchanged glances and Meredith noticed how much closer they were, how they were no longer bound by lust or by obligation, but by friendship.

"Mer, I can't..."

"I can," said Izzie, interrupting him. Meredith felt George's hand tighten on her shoulder. "We were driving. For... days. We needed to talk. Figure out what to do."

"About what?" interrupted Callie. For once, the tragedy surrounding them made her one of them. Izzie continued.

"We couldn't do it here. We had to be by ourselves. But I already knew..." She trailed off, searching for words. "I mean, he loves you so much. And I couldn't have given it up later on, I couldn't give the opportunity to love it first."

"Love what?" asked Meredith, her voice hollow. She moved backward, letting George's arms fully wrap around her. George noticed Mark staring at him menacingly and felt a twinge of fear at the glare of the taller, stronger, man, but didn't let go.

"I was pregnant. And now I'm not."

Meredith watched as Mark's expression fell, as he momentarily let his sadness overcome his anger.

"Izzie..." Her name came out softly from Meredith's mouth. She glanced at George, who seemed to be formulating what to say to her.

"Mark wanted me to keep it, Mer. He wanted to make it work. For all of us," explained Izzie. Meredith continued to stare at her boyfriend, wishing she could comfort him, that they could comfort each other.

"But I just couldn't."

Izzie turned to go, but stopped at the door.

"It was the hardest decision I ever had to go. Including this one," she said.

"Iz, what are you talking about?" asked George. Meredith saw him clasp Callie's hand.

"I can't stay here. I need a fresh start."

"Where are you going?" asked Meredith.

"I passed my exams. I talked to the Chief. California, maybe. I'm tired of the rain."

Through her tears, Izzie managed a laugh. She wrench open the door and walked into the room, slamming it closed behind her.

Meredith freed herself from George's arms and walked toward Mark. She placed a hand on his arm, but he flinched away from her touch.

"Come on," he said, his voice low, not meeting her eyes. "We have to talk."

She nodded and walked toward the exit. George watched as Mark's hand, seemingly unconsciously, found the small of her back to lead her out.

* * *

Author's note: Just as I started writing the end of the chapter, as Izzie announces her intention to resign, Chasing Cars came on my iPod. Isn't that weird? Sorry I haven't updated in like, ever. I was at camp.  



	45. Now I'm Even Further Away

Chapter Forty-Five: Now I'm Even Further Away

* * *

Author's note: Just to warn you: Mature Content in this chapter. Quite a lot of it. I'm sorry if I offend anyone.

* * *

Though Meredith and Mark had both taken their cars to see Izzie and George, Meredith unquestioningly followed Mark to his own car. They drove in silence to Meredith's house. She waited, half expecting to leave her there and move on, but he got out of the car as well and followed her up to the door.

He waited patiently while Meredith fit the key into the lock and opened the door.

He walked in behind her. He looked around as if in interest, reminiscence. Meredith listened intently for sounds of movement on the upper level, no longer curious as to why he'd come home with her.

"He's gone?" asked Mark bluntly.

"Yes," said Meredith, with more certainty than he felt.

"Good." Mark nodded and she half expected him to talk, to yell at her, to apologize, to induce her to apologize, as well.

"Are you going to yell at me?" she asked nervously. _Leave me?_ She wondered silently. The steel of his glare still frightened her. Meredith leaned against the front door for support, as well as relying on it for her escape route.

With apprehension, she realized that Mark had never before been truly angry at her. He'd been angry near her, he'd punched out Derek as a result of anger caused by her, but never had his fury been directed at her alone.

Her hand casually wound around the doorknob, ready to flee the scene.

What happened next was something she couldn't explain. She'd thought that she'd fully considered every possibility. Her yelling at him, him yelling at her. Thrown objects, tragic breakups.

What she hadn't expected was him, grasping every feeling of anger, hurt, betrayal, and pouring them back in to her.

He shoved her up against the door, one hand curled around her neck, the other hurriedly unbuttoning her jeans. She felt his lips sucking her neck, his teeth grazing her skin, not caring if he hurt her, if he left a mark.

Halting for only a moment, he pulled off the shirt she was wearing to familiarize himself with her naked form. He then slid a finger inside of her, still not looking her in the eyes, or kissing her lips.

When he finally did kiss her it was unlike any kiss he'd ever given her. It was hard, intense and almost painful. She found herself kissing him back, giving in to his body pressing against her, uncaring that he was using her to take out his anger, that he barely loved her at all right then.

She stepped out of her pants, which he'd already begun to slide her out of. He grasped her by the waist and lifted her upward, her body still pinned between his own and the hard wooden door. Positioning her above him he thrust hard inside of her.

She gasped in a mixture of pleasure and pain as he moved inside of her, thrusting powerfully. His hands relaxed and released the wrists he'd been holding against the hard wooden surface, and her hands gradually moved to his back. She dug in her fingernails as a fresh wave of pleasure came over her.

* * *

When he slid out of her they were both still panting heavily, trying to make sense of what had happened. Mark frowned as he lowered her to the floor, her arms still around his neck. Trying to imagine how something so primal had possess him with such ease. 

"You're angry with me," she observed.

"Don't tell me I have no right. I didn't do anything with Izzie. And before... It wasn't the same as it is now."

She nodded. She knew this, knew it would be a weak defense. She clung close to him, terrified with the idea that after twenty years, their friendship could be over.

"Are you going to leave?" she asked, trying her best to sound strong. Leaning down he could smell the slight flowery scent of her hair, and also her sweat and his aftershave, faintly on her as well. He could not smell Derek. Not anymore.

"Not tonight," he said. Abruptly he hooked his arm under her knees and swung her into his arms. He made his way up the stairs, putting the rest of the world on hold, at least for now.

* * *

Izzie listened distractedly to George and Callie's animated chatter, touched that they'd made an effort to be near to her and also unable to pretend that nothing had changed. 

Slowly she pulled her life out of her locker. Her hair straightener, a half used stick of deodorant. A change of underwear, her pink stethascope.

Gradually she realized that the buzz of chatter coming from Callie and George had died down. She glanced toward them, realized that George had spoken to her and was awaiting a response.

"What? Sorry," she said apologetically.

"You almost done? We're meeting Alex and Addison across the street for a drink," he said. She shook her head.

"Almost. You guys go, I'll catch up with you," she said. George nodded, looking concerned. They left together and she was left alone in the locker room.

The room was quiet for a few minutes before the door opened again. She sighed, not wanting to face another curious intern, desperate to know of the scandal surrounding her abrupt exit.

She turned around when she realized the heavy, even footsteps had stopped.

"Denny?" she gasped, still surprised to see him. She didn't throw her arms around him, as she'd down last time, but she continued to smile hugely, as she hadn't done in days.

"Hey Izzie."

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I was wondering why you won't go out with me. I mean come on, I'm a catch. After I got rid of the whole blood clot issue I was fine," he said.

"How did you get in here?" she asked.

"I asked your Chief where you were. He was very receptive. I'm a millionaire, too. Did I mention?" he asked. She rolled her eyes, half believing him and half not.

"You are a catch. And it is complicated."

"How complicated?"

Denny sat down on the narrow bench, clearly ready to hear a story. Sighing, she sat down next to him.

"Very."

"Try me."

"When I said before, that I was still carrying Mark's baggage around? I wasn't speaking metaphorically. I'm pregnant, Denny. And Mark thinks I got rid of it, because I know he was scared, and he doesn't deserve this, and he's so in love with Meredith he can't see straight."

Denny's eyes widened appreciatively. He paused and Izzie waited, hurting that this good looking, kind, man who'd been so interested in her would soon abruptly stop his pursuit.

"Well, why didn't you say so? I like kids."

"Seriously?" she responded, unable to restrain herself. He shrugged, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"It's not exactly ideal circumstances but hey, I'm a gentleman. Where are you going?" he asked.

"California. Transferring."

"I like California, too."

"Denny, I can't ask you to..."

"You're not asking. I'm offering. We'll just see how it goes, okay?"

She nodded hesitantly.

"You're a good guy," she said. She smiled, barely able to believe that he was _that_ good of a guy.

"I'm a _great_ guy," he said. "Just one more thing."

She waited expectantly for him to speak. He leaned forward, kissed her gently. After a moment their kiss deepened and she edged closer to him on the bench.

He pulled away still smiling.

"Just wanted to make sure there were no problems there," he joked, sliding an arm around her and pulling her closer still.


	46. You Could Be Happy

Chapter Forty-Six: You Could Be Happy

Derek gave a start when he finally arrived home, to his trailer, to find his wife sitting on the bed, patiently and knowingly.

"Hey," he said nervously. She glanced at him, they met eyes. He found himself feeling nostalgic. He found himself knowing that this was the end.

"Where were you?" she asked. He smiled bitterly. For some reason, she found it necessary to go through the formalities.

"You know where I was, Addie."

He went to sit by her on the bed. They'd had months of these scenes. He was glad that this was the last one.

"Yes, I think I probably do."

"I'm sorry," he offered, knowing as he said it how extremely pathetic and unhelpful it was.

"I think we both are."

"I wanted to try, with you," promised Derek.

Addison sighed, looking suddenly vulnerable. Derek smiled and made himself remember the beautiful, remarkable woman he'd been in love with for so long.

"Of course it could never work. We're both in love with other people."

Derek vaguely wondered if she was referring to Mark, or to Alex. He decided he didn't want to know, but hoped for her sake that it was Alex.

"At least now you don't have to pretend to like living here," he said helpfully. She laughed.

"You never fell for my pretending," she accused playfully. He found herself laughing with her.

"It was never terribly convincing."

Tears began to leak out of her eyes but whether they were tears of happiness or of sadness, neither could be sure. He pulled her into him and she nestled into the space on his shoulder that had once been reserved for her.

* * *

Meredith had hoped that he'd be there when she awoke, but was unsurprised when she awoke to find him gone.

She walked slowly down to the kitchen, doing her best to avoid her various aches and pains. The night came back to her, in pieces. She'd let Mark take her, angrily, roughly, over and over again. Slightly sickened, she wondered what really had happened with Derek, only hours before.

Hurriedly she drank her coffee and slipped into her scrubs, amazed that after the events of the previous night the world could go on as it always did.

Izzie was not in the locker room when she arrived. George gave her a solid, bittersweet smile, reminding her that everything was screwed up right now but he had faith that she'd done the right thing. Cristina looked on this exchange in interest before staring hard at Meredith, transparently trying to work out what had happened after her son's baptism.

Bailey bustled in a moment later, interrupting their moment.

"Where's Izzie?" asked Cristina, interrupting her before she could speak. Bailey looked up and sighed.

"Dr. Stevens transferred last night," she said brusquely, closing herself away from further questions. Cristina wisely held her tongue while they were given assignments. She ran off eagerly once she'd received hers, eager to make the best of the morning before switching off with Burke, who was currently at home with the baby.

Meredith ventured into the halls, not bothering to travel discretely. She knew that it would be impossible to avoid both for the whole day, and knew that she didn't really want to. She frowned at the first person she came across: Derek. She had hoped that it would be Mark.

"Hey," she said, not waiting for him to speak first. He smiled at her, and she saw a spark of hope in his eyes.

"Hey."

She walked slowly over to him, conscious of the fact that the semi full hallway consisted entirely of people who all knew, or thought they knew, the full story of Meredith and Derek and Mark.

"How're you feeling?" he asked. She shrugged, and felt his eyes drift to the hicky on her neck.

"Under the circumstances, I'm good."

They progressed down the hallway into a more empty one.

"I talked to Addison, we..." began Derek eagerly. He broke off when he realized that Meredith was not looking at him, but instead down the hallway they'd just come down. Mark was standing ten feet away from them, wearing an expression of fury that went beyond what either had ever seen on him.

Meredith, having already guessed what Derek was about to tell her, turned away from him. She stared at Mark for a moment before another long, sideways glance at Derek. She knew now that she had to do. It was selfish, but infinitely less selfish than stringing them both along, as she'd been doing for months. It was a sacrifice she had to make. To win one, she had to destroy her relationship with the other. It was how it was always meant to be. All she had to do was make the choice.

"I love you," she blurted out. Not caring that while the hallway was almost empty, there were ears everywhere. Not caring that she'd just broken a heart, because she'd just mended one, because she had, for the first time in her life, committed herself to a man, put her heart on the line.

He stopped walking away, and turned to look at her in amazement. She walked toward him, her heart hammering in her chest.

Derek stared at her as she began to walk away from him, as he'd once walked away from her. He wondered if that had never happened, if he'd sacrificed his married for her, if she'd still be walking away from him and toward Mark, his best friend and the now love of her life. Part of him felt that it was inevitable and always had been.

He took a deep breath and swallowed his courage. Mark had been selfless for years, and now it was his turn.

"Meredith?" he called, refraining from using _Mer_.

She turned her head, but not her body, waiting in apprehension for him to continue.

"Nothing happened. It seemed for a while like it might, but you were... faithful. More so than the rest of us. You didn't let anything happen."

Meredith nodded, tossed him a quick grateful smile, before continuing toward Mark. Derek sighed and walked away from them, down the hallway, leaving them to their moment in peace.

* * *

He walked toward her, too. A wave of guilt washed over him as he realized that he should have trusted her all along, but it didn't stop him. They met and he swung her up into his arms, the same as he'd done since she was a child. They stopped but she remained in his arms, her feet dangling inches off the floor.

"I love you, too," he reminded her earnestly.

She nodded, nestled her head into his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him tightly as he slowly placed her back on the ground.

"I'm so sorry," he said. She nodded, once more.

"That must have been hard for you."

He nodded.

"It must have been hard for _you."_

Their words stilled, but both knew it wasn't over. That the baby who had never been would exist, silently, to them for their entire lives together that they'd spend hours discussing it, would discuss it until it hurt neither of them any longer.

Slowly they detached from each other. They linked hands and continued walking, ready to face the world together.

* * *

"So I guess I should start off by saying that I'm not self sacrificing. That I'm not going to give you some long, drawn out speech about how I love you so I'm going to let you go. I do love you, but I'm letting you go only because you let go of me a long time ago, and it's getting pathetic."

The locker room was empty, except for Derek sitting by himself on a bench. Meredith had half expected him, knowing he needed to say his piece. She slowly went to sit beside him.

"I was an idiot. I never should have left you, and I never should have expected you to wait around for me. You and Mark always connected on a higher level than we did. I should have taken more time for you. I missed you when you stopped hanging around at Christmas time. I should have fixed that instead of pretending to forget all about you."

"I agree," said Meredith with a slight smile.

"I wanted to make you happy, Meredith. I just wish I could have been the one to do it."

"I wanted that too. For a long time. It's too late now."

He nodded, offered a pathetic half smile and lovingly kissed her forehead.

She didn't move from where she'd been sitting but Derek slowly left the room. He was intercepted by Mark Sloan, standing outside of the room with his arms crossed over his broad chest. Derek smiled.

"Don't worry. She's still all yours," he said, a trace of bitterness in his voice.

"I know. What did you say to her?" asked Mark. Derek shrugged.

"That I screwed up and I want her to be happy. With you."

Mark nodded, waiting for Derek to continue.

"What _didn't_ you say?" he asked eventually. Derek smirked.

"That you're going to screw this up because it's you and you always have. And that the _second_ that happens, I have absolutely no intention of stepping back and playing the nice guy."

Mark watched as Derek continued down the hall, now satisfied.

"I'm going to ask her to marry me," he called after him. Derek made a half turn, still smiling.

"I thought you probably would. But hey, it certainly didn't stop you."


	47. A Chapter In Your Life

Chapter Forty-Seven: A Chapter In Your Life

George O'Malley had long ago grown used to his roommate, Alex Karev, having a different woman at the breakfast table every morning. It hadn't surprised him. It was only after Alex continued to have the same woman, morning after morning, that he became truly amazed.

"Hey," he said awkwardly, addressing the redhead without meeting her eyes. She smiled to herself as he busied himself with the coffee machine, carefully keeping his gaze away from the pair.

"Good morning, George," she said. Sometimes in their small, cluttered apartment, she felt disturbingly like a real adult.

Minutes later Callie entered the kitchen, and addressed Addison easily and kindly. She went to join George at the counter, smirking at his discomfort.

"So what's going on, Alex? Don't tell me we're going to have to expect the same face every morning from now on," asked Callie. George's eyes widened in slight alarm.

"'Fraid so," said Addison mildly, answering ahead of Alex, not waiting for him to awkwardly come to the same conclusion. Callie smiled.

"Actually, that's not entirely true. You might not actually have to see me at your breakfast table for much longer," said Alex.

"You're moving out?" asked George in surprise. He'd never fully liked Alex, but had come to expect him.

"It's time," he explained. Callie and George nodded.

"I moved too, in case you were wondering," said Addison. "Out of my husband's trailer."

Callie smiled, glad to be a step ahead of Seattle Grace gossip.

"We'll miss you," George found himself saying. Addison glanced at her boyfriend, read his mind, and spoke for him.

"We'll miss you, too."

* * *

A high, alarmed cry interrupted the still of the Burke household early the same morning and then was interrupted again by a low, annoyed, groan. 

"BURKE."

Preston Burke walked slowly to the room he shared with his wife, a smile playing around his lips.

"Yes, dear?" he asked. Cristina sat up in bed.

"The baby's crying."

"I am aware.

She paused.

"Well?"

"If I recall correctly, it is your turn," he said. She sighed.

"I'm in bed!"

"So was I, at one point. You slept through that yelling. I was impressed."

"But I'm in bed_ now._ And you're not," she explained patiently.

"Only one way to solve that problem," he said, setting off in the opposite direction of their son's room. She groaned once more before getting out of bed and walking the short distance down the hall.

Ten minutes later, Burke passed the open door of their son's room and peered in to find Cristina slowly rocking him back to sleep. He smiled, overcome by the sight of the two so close to his heart having such an intimate moment.

"I love you," he said abruptly. She smiled, though he could not see her.

"Love you, too."

* * *

Meredith Grey had been sleeping, but then just as suddenly she was not. 

She gave a little start when she realized that Mark's eyes were on her from where he lay, sprawled across the end of the bed in his boxers.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she said, jokingly chastising.

"Can't help myself."

She blushed slightly, but could not help but smile.

"How long have you been awake?" she asked.

"Just long enough," he replied. She raised an eyebrow at the oddness of his reply, but he ignored her.

He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I've known you for twenty years, Mer. I've known you for almost as long as you've been alive. I remember the first time I met you. I remember the second time, too. I remember because you were the first person that ever need me, ever valued me. I'm never going to be able to explain how much that meant to me."

She nodded, confused.

"I remember the first time you came to see just me, instead of Derek. I knew you liked him better, but I also knew our connection went beyond that. He was a dream to you, but I was always real."

Meredith shifted herself under the bedsheet that covered her mostly naked body, and as she straightened her leg her toe made contact with Mark's own leg. She shivered slightly, still uncomprehending of what was to come.

"It was different when I saw you again. We both knew that. It was different from the beginning, from the very first moment. I knew that. I knew what I wanted. I always have."

"Mark, what...?"

He moved toward her, tenderly placed a finger across her lips to quiet her.

"We all played like it was a game, and that you were the prize, but it wasn't like that. It was so much more than that." He paused. "God, I can't believe I'm actually giving one of these speeches."

She laughed.

"You've always been my soulmate, you know? Even when we were younger and it was so much different, even then we were meant to be. We still are." He cleared his throat. "We always will be."

She realized that her toe was still touching his leg. That they were overlapping again, as sometimes happened in their bed before they went out into the world.

He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet box. He pushed it across the bedspread to her. She took it with a shaking hand, but did not open it.

"Say it?" she suggested.

He took a deep breath and once again put his heart on the line, all for her.

"Marry me."

She flipped open the box to reveal a small, solitary diamond on a narrow white-gold band. He'd known that something more showy would never have worked on her.

Meredith nodded earnestly, not trusting the words in her mouth. He took the ring back from her, and pulled her toward him. She fell onto the bed beside him, sprawled out horizontally across it, their bodies all but touching. He slowly pushed the circlet onto the third finger of her left hand and then pulled her further, into his arms.

* * *

"Where are we going?" asked Meredith, trying her best to sound cross while a streak of mirth crept into her voice. 

"You'll _see_," said Mark, tugging on her hand again as they crossed the street together.

Her laugh filled the street, and she imagined everyone seeing the ring on her finger and knowing that she was happy, happier than she'd ever been in her entire life. They continued down the street onto a more familiar one.

"This is Joe's. Joe's is not exciting," she said skeptically, when they finally arrived at their destination. He scoffed and pulled her inside.

She caught her breath. She'd been expecting the usual crowd of Doctors, of locals, of the various regulars who sought just a little bit of solace, but the crowd was different. It was not strangers, it was friends.

It was everyone. Everyone who'd ever touched her life. She squeezed Mark's hand as her eyes went from her parents, standing together with their arms around each other, to Bailey and her husband, even to Addison, who was beaming, more widely than Meredith had ever seen.

"You've been planning," accused Meredith, turning sideways to her fiance.

He shrugged.

"You were cocky. I might have said no."

"I was willing to take my chances."

He kissed her on the mouth, in front of everyone they knew. A cheer rose up, all of them united by the occasion despite the differences they'd faced.

Meredith launched herself into her party, loving all of them that night. She found herself missing Izzie, even Derek for a brief moment, as she hugged Addison, their rivalry gone now that both could face the fact that Mark had always loved her better.

At the end of the night, Meredith found herself back in Mark's arms, moving slowly to the music on a makeshift dance floor.

"Where do you want to get married?" he whispered in her ear.

"Wherever."

She sunk further into his arms, hoping he understood that the lack of enthusiasm in her voice wasn't because she didn't care about being married, but because she didn't care that much how they got there.

"What's on your mind, Mrs. Sloan?" he asked. She smiled, but he could not see it.

"When we're married, will you still sneak me into bars? And call me Mer-Bear, and always swing me around at airports?" she asked, semi-seriously.

"Absolutely not. We're going to be grown-ups now," he said firmly. "But we'll do other stuff. Just to make sure it never gets boring."

* * *

Author's note: So I'm still not entirely satisfied with this chapter, so I'm going to write an epilogue to finish it off better. Which will be up sometime. Hopefully soon. Thanks for sticking around for so long!  



	48. Epilogue

Chapter Forty-Eight: Epilogue

_Five Years Later_

She reflected that she'd gone through this door hundreds of times. Thousands, perhaps. It had been a hard door to cross through, on occasion, but never as hard as this.

She felt another hand close around hers, and smiled at the man at her left. He knew, as he'd always known, exactly when she needed him.

For just a second, she calculated who she could possibly run in to. Her parents. She'd seen them since she'd left, so the idea was slightly less daunting. Cristina would want to see her, but would pretend that she did not. Addison was slightly better than the worst possibility.

They managed the door. He sent her a reassuring smile, slightly different than his signature one, which still made her slightly weak in the knees.

"We should split up," she said abruptly, almost as soon as they were through the door. He glanced at her, looking perplexed.

"What? Are you doing that thing again, that thing where you're insane? I thought you were over that."

She shook her head in irritation.

"Think about it. Under what circumstances would it be _better_ if we run into anyone together?" she asked.

Mark frowned, still puzzled by the logic.

"Are you going to go looking for him?" he asked, a dark flash of the familiar jealousy crossing his face, as irrational as it was.

"It's not like we can avoid it altogether," she said, shrugging. He nodded. She leaned up to kiss him. He wrapped his arm around her waist, anchoring her there for a moment. She was briefly reminded of another kiss in the same place, years before. A kiss that had ended in disaster minutes later.

He ventured off in the other direction. Meredith glanced briefly at his retreating form-the same leather jacket, the jeans. Almost nothing had changed.

Meredith chose a random corridor and began to wander down it. It was odd. She thought that she would have forgotten, but she could name every room that it branched off in to. She passed droves of interns, of residents, almost none of whom she recognized. She vaguely wondered if they recognized her.

As she passed into the next corridor, she abruptly came face to face with the person she'd been hoping to avoid the most. His blue eyes widened in amazement at the sight of her, his lips automatically curving into a smile.

He moved forward a step as if to take her into his arms, but stepped back. He reflected that in some ways it would have been easier, had the last five years never happened, he would have been able to move forward and hug her, greet her fondly. He reflected that it was almost better than having had her for just the one night, than all the pain they'd dragged each other through.

"Derek," she said. Trying his name out on her lips.

"Meredith."

He lead her to a conference room several feet away and they stood awkwardly a few feet away from each other.

Meredith noticed that he had no wedding ring. And laugh lines.

She searched desperately for something, anything, to say. Something that would inject normality into the room. Anything at all. She wondered desperately about her friends, but they couldn't speak of them without Addison coming in to it. She wanted to talk about her life, but couldn't speak of it without Mark coming into it, who was her life.

"So what have you been doing with your life?" he asked, his voice rational, calm.

She couldn't tell him the answer, he didn't want to hear it: _Sex. Love, traveling, having the time of my life with the love of my life. Being far away from here._

"Oh, you know. I've kind of been anywhere. Riding horses along beaches, climbed mountains, jumped off bridges," she said. He nodded.

"And you have a child."

"A boy. He's three," she offered, feeling self conscious.

"Is he around?" asked Derek. She nodded.

"Yeah, he's with his..."

She broke off when the two of them came into the room. Meredith turned to her husband, happier to see him than she ever had been before.

"Derek," he said, having the grace to look uncomfortable. "Hey."

Reluctantly they shook hands before Derek's gaze fell to the small child that Mark had been leading by the hand. He sucked in his breath in surprise-if before he'd managed to lie to himself about Mark and Meredith being forever, now he could not. The boy was small and sturdy, had curly blonde hair and gray eyes, and his father's smile. Derek squatted to the floor and took in the sight of the eyes of the woman he loved in the face of this child.

"Hello. My name is Derek Shepherd, what's yours?" he asked.

"Gabriel Sloan," said the child. Derek nodded. "Mommy and Daddy call me Gabe."

He looked up at Meredith, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking proudly down at her child.

"So what are you two doing here?" he asked.

Mark and Meredith exchanged glances. Derek recognized the gesture instantly-it was something he had once been able to do with Addison, after they'd been married for years. It showed that they could talk without speaking.

"Here to see Addison, actually," said Mark. Derek stared at them before comprehension dawned. He glanced hurriedly down to the slight bump on Meredith's small frame and cringed. He'd been able to survive their wedding day, with copious amounts of scotch, passing out before the night fell so that he didn't have to picture her with another man's hands all over her body. He'd survived the birth of her child because they'd been across the country, or perhaps across the world, and they'd barely existed to him. This was different. This was real, a hard, unignorable fact.

"Congratulations," he said, his voice hard. Mark wrapped his arm around her, not caring that it seemed like he was perhaps adding insult to injury, only caring that she needed his comfort right then. Derek stared at them for a moment, the young perfect family. Mark, as he'd never looked before, was solid. He held his son's hand in his.

The three Sloan's awkwardly took their leave, abandoning Derek to sit by himself in the conference room and obsess about the exchange he'd just taken part in.

* * *

"Meredith?" 

The voice coming from the door was excited, more excited than Meredith would have expected, coming from someone who's husband she'd slept with and who's lover she'd married. Meredith smiled instantly when the beautiful redhead came in to view, before hastily reconstructing her expression to conceal her amazement.

Addison's face, which had been slightly plastic and unbelievable when Meredith and Mark had left, was now slightly aged, but she seemed brighter somehow. Her red hair was slightly shorter, but most shocking of all was the bump she wore proudly beneath her scrubs.

"Wow," managed Meredith, after Addison's arms had come around her neck before moving to Mark and then to Gabe. Addison smiled and flashed a diamond ring on her finger.

"Alex?" asked Meredith hopefully. Addison nodded, and Meredith glanced to her white coat, where _Dr. Addison Karev_ had been embroidered. She shook her head slightly in amazement.

"Apparently you missed a lot," said Addison, coming to sit on her bed, clipboard in hand.

"More than I thought," she said.

"My due date is in about five weeks. Callie and George-you guys left after they got married, right? They have two kids now, a little girl Ariadne and a little boy, Patrick. Your parents are doing well, as I'm sure you know. Cristina and Burke bought a new house a little while back."

"Izzie?" asked Mark, idly curious. Meredith squeezed his hand.

"She came back once never since," said Addison, shrugging. He nodded. Meredith squeezed his hand again. They still spoke, occasionally, of what had gone on with him and Izzie. It still pained him, more than he'd ever let on.

Addison smiled awkwardly as the memory of Izzie entered the room. It made the room, already containing two of his lovers, too full for any of their likings. She cleared her throat.

"So, I guess I can imagine what you two are doing here?" she asked happily, glancing down at Meredith's stomach. Mark smiled proudly and answered ahead of his wife.

"We were in Italy when we found out, and we wanted to come home immediately. Gabe came early and almost needed surgery. We had a good doctor, but we knew you could take better care of the new one," said Mark, his arm going protectively around his wife's shoulders. Addison smiled slightly, glancing down at the chart in her hand again.

"How's it going for you?" asked Meredith, nodding toward Addison's noticeable bump.

"Really well," said Addison proudly. "I was kind of worried in the beginning, but it's going all according to plan."

Meredith tried for a moment, and failed quickly, to picture Alex Karev as a father. She figured it would come to him, as it had to Mark.

"Would you like an ultrasound?" asked Addison.

"Very much," replied Meredith, nodding eagerly. She swiveled around so that she was lying down on the inclined hospital bed.

"I'd love to meet your son," said Addison, busying herself with the equipment.

"He's with my Dad," said Meredith, smiling, picturing him running around and terrorizing her father's office.

Addison nodded, somewhat distracted as she rubbed gel across Meredith's now exposed stomach and searched intently for the baby's heartbeat.

All at once it filled the room, rapid yet steady. Meredith smiled in relief.

"It's good. It sounds great, you guys. I might have to put you on bed rest later on. We'll monitor her carefully," said Addison, catching Mark's eye, reassuring him.

* * *

Mark and Meredith left together, aiming to get to Richard's office without running into someone they knew. 

"Meredith?"

She stopped abruptly, stopping Mark along with her and turned to face the voice that had called after her.

"Alex, hey," she said in exhaustion. He wrapped his arms around her, she got a proper look of him.

He looked older, more so than anyone she'd seen so far. He was clean shaven, without trace of the stubble that had occupied his face when they had been interns. He wore a gold band on his left ring finger and in his eye he had no expression of malice or cynicism.

"You look great," she said, proud of him. He smiled.

"You too."

"Congratulations, man," said Mark, leaning in to shake his hand. Alex blushed slightly.

"It's a girl," he revealed, looking deeply proud.

"We have a boy, Gabe," said Meredith.

"Yeah, he's upstairs, I heard. News travels fast," he commented.

"Still," she agreed.

The three of them progressed up to the Chief's office, Alex gradually catching them up on the goings on of the hospital. He left them outside the office and they went inside together.

"Meredith!"

Richard Webber rose immediately from his desk to greet his step daughter, smiling at his son-in-law as well. Mark sighed in relief. Though they'd made peace long before the wedding, Richard had all but lost respect for Mark when he'd slept with Addison and then gotten involved with Izzie and then Meredith so soon after.

Gabe, as they were both somewhat relieved to see, was asleep on the short couch in Richard's office.

"He's got a lot of energy," said Richard fondly. Ellis and Richard had often gone to visit Mark and Meredith as they'd traveled with their sons, working at various hospitals around the world, but it was rare that they got to spend much time together.

"Like you wouldn't believe," said his mother fondly. Richard leaned against the edge of his desk.

"Now, am I correct in assuming that you two are going to be requiring employment? At least for the next couple of months?" he asked meaningfully, glancing almost imperceptibly at his daughter's stomach.

"Yes," said Mark, answering ahead of his wife, who had never warmed to the idea of returning home. "Everything's going well."

"I'm glad to hear that. Now I may as well tell you that your mother has ordered me, under no uncertain terms, to get all three of you to the house tonight," he said, firmness in his voice.

"There's a party?" asked Meredith, visibly paling.

"You've been gone for more than three years! Of course there's a party. Don't you think she _deserves_ a party?" demanded Richard.

"I can just see everyone here," she pleaded. He rolled his eyes.

"Well then, I guess your mother knows perfectly well that you're going to escape as soon as you possibly can from all the questions and the curious looks. So be there tonight. 6:30," he said firmly, adopting his Chief of Surgery Glare for a moment. Meredith nodded submissively before departing with Mark, a sleeping Gabe in his arms.

* * *

"Bet you never thought this would be your life," commented Meredith, hours later. 

Mark smiled slightly to himself. He resumed what he'd been doing. He was letting his hand wander lightly around her thigh while they lay in bed together, half covered by a sheet in their house. Where she'd once lived with Derek and where she now lived with him.

"Well no. Except for the hot wife part," he said, letting his hand roam a bit higher. She smiled.

"My nine year old self never thought I'd marry you, either," she said. For a moment the ghost of Derek floated in between them, but then vanished.

"That was insane, tonight. I forgot we knew that many people. I'm so glad we weren't..." he trailed off.

"Here," she finished for him. "We needed to get out, at least for a little while."

It had been a hard decision, to leave Seattle to make their own lives, but it had been worthwhile. Whether they'd been working at foreign hospitals, raising their son or just been exploring, it had all been worth it.

"We needed to be away from Derek. And Addison," said Mark simply. Meredith smiled.

"And Izzie. And George," she added. Mark cringed.

"You know, I'd forgotten about George."

Meredith smiled as he rolled on top of her, propping himself up on his elbows.

"You know, that's not fair. I mean, we've been married for five years, you've knocked me up twice. For that matter we've had sex like, a million times. I was only ever with Derek and George once each," she said, matter-of-factly. He leaned down and kissed her deeply.

"Shut up," he muttered, his face close to hers. She compiled.

"Are you sure? I'm getting all pregnant looking again," she said doubtfully. He sighed and eased himself off of her again.

"Come on, are you going to make me say it?" he asked, his eyes teasing her.

"Say what?" she asked innocently. He leaned down, kissed her again.

"You're beautiful. You always have been. I love you even more when you're pregnant," he said honestly. She smiled.

"Well, there is more of me to love," she conceded, letting him kiss her again.

_Five Months Later_

"I'm so blaming you for this."

Mark Sloan cringed as he watched his wife breath through yet another contraction. It felt like the thousandth she'd gone through, already, and they didn't appear to be slowing down. In fact, they were speeding up. He reminded himself that this was a good thing. It meant that it would all be over soon.

"It's all my fault," he said earnestly. She clutched his hand. In her pain, her eyes wide with fear, she looked eerily to him like the child she'd once known. Completely lost, completely dependent on him.

"It _hurts_. And do you have any idea how awkward this is? Addison and I have shared two of the same boys, and now..." she blushed, trailing off as she noticed Addison Karev watching her and smiling slightly.

"It's okay, Mer. Izzie delivered Leanna-there's karma for you, right?"

Meredith managed a smile at Addison's words. Addison and Alex's daughter, Leanna Ellis Karev, had been born months before. She and Addison were already lobbying for a Day Care Center at the hospital.

Meredith let out a scream, her first real one of the day, as a contraction arrived, yet again. Mark anxiously met Mark's eyes.

"Don't worry," she said comfortingly. "We're getting there."

* * *

Meredith, now exhausted, watched Mark walk around the hospital room with their hours old daughter in his arms. She would never get used to Mark looking like that, cradling their daughter in his big muscular arms, who was so small she almost seemed to get lost in them. 

"Go to sleep," he entreated. "We're getting acquainted."

Meredith smiled.

"I don't want to miss any of it," she admitted. Mark and their daughter walked over to her hospital bed and sat down on the edge of it. He tilted her so that Meredith could see her face.

"You won't," he promised.

"Do you think Gabe will mind?" she asked worriedly. He shook his hand.

"Gabe's already thrilled. He's with the Burke's, and apparently Miles is bugging Cris about having another kid," he said. Meredith smiled. She reached out, gently, to touch the baby's fine blond hair.

"Anna." She paused. "Anneliese Cristina Sloan."

"Anneliese Cristina and Gabriel Derek Sloan. We've done well for ourselves," conceded Mark. Meredith nodded in agreement.

Meredith's eyes began to fall further closed as the room began to fill. With Callie and with George, who once would have been as heartbroken as Derek at such an event but was now only filled with happiness for his friends. With Addison and Alex, already booking their daughters for years worth of play dates. Cristina and Burke, bringing Gabe to admire his new sister, and also to admire for themselves.

Meredith let her eyes fully close as her parents entered the room, along with Bailey and her husband. She stopped worrying about Derek coming, too, bringing with him his longing and his gloom. Her life had taken its own course, and she no longer needed to watch over it all the time.

_The End_

* * *

Author's Finale Note: So I guess that's a wrap. Thank you all, once again, for reading and reviewing. This has been one of my favourite stories to write, ever, and it's also the best response I've ever received. I'll tell you guys now that I MIGHT write a sequel, and I also might not. It would deal with Mark and Meredith's marriage and also with the return of Izzie. 

Sorry for the lack of recent updates. I broke my leg and then had to have surgery, but I'm doing better now. I'm definitely going to post at least a oneshot soon, I have an idea for one.

Hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have!

Hilary


End file.
